Guilt...

[2Scared]

I met up with my "partner again" and revealed all the disrespectful stuff I've done in the relationship (not full-on cheating). For context, he downloaded a dating app 3 months into us dating, I found it without him telling me, I forgave him. Ever since then whenever we argue or he wants space from me I always assume he's cheating or speaking to other people. I've been cheated on in every relationship I've been in, which he is fully aware of, so finding that app on his phone without him being honest with me obliterated my trust in him.

I tried to justify that me doing the same thing behind his back was okay (this only happened when he didn't want to see/speak to me) but it just made me feel guilty. I took it waaaay too far when he suggested a break two months ago and let the disrespect get physical (I told him about this *first post). He forgave me and allowed us to restart the break. I've realized how much I truly care for and want to be with him. I saw him for the first time this Friday after 2 weeks of no contact. I promised him and myself that I would follow 100% the rules of exclusivity and while I felt incredibly lonely I did it. But seeing him made me want to share even more (less severe) disrespectful things I've had since finding the dating app. Now that I've said all the bigger details of what I've done there's nothign really more to share. My anxiety is so strong I feel like if I don't give every detail of disrespect instead of just overarching things, I'm still lying to him. I told him this and he reassured me that I can share them with him if I want, but it's not really necessary as it would just make him more upset. I know it's very selfish of me to want to share every single little detail day by day and other people I talked to try to help me by saying "If you didn't do any of his non-negotiables try and let it go". I did not do anything he considers a non-negotiable, but the guilt is still eating me away. It's like going through airport security knowing you don't have a bomb in your bag, but feeling like they are going to find a bomb. I've been racking my brain going over and over anything I've done to tell him more wrong. I can't think of any other than the tiny details but it's been making my chest hurt.

I was very happy seeing him this weekend, but I just feel guilty now for all I've done. He reassures me that he wants to start again and hopes that we can become better partners for each other. I told him about possibly having BPD and he was very understanding. I'm really considering mood stabilizers so I won't have such strong reactions to separation, anger, or disappointment. I don't feel like I deserve him (I told him this). The only person I know who would accept this level of disrespect and worse is myself. I don't understand why he wants to be with me even after he tells me. How do I stop feeling guilty? Do I tell him every single little detail? I don't know how to forgive myself but I promise this will not happen again. How do I stop feeling like this? Help pls...

[JerseyGirl57]

Hi,My first thought: be kind to yourself. You'd never think or say to a friend that they don't deserve their partner, right? You deserve kindness and compassion.

Re sharing details, maybe talk to a therapist? It sounds like the problem may not be about other people but about you and him. Obviously, trust is key, but outside of the apps and that stuff, is he really the guy you want? Or a guy that is there and checks the right boxes?

Full disclosure: I was married for 25 years and my husband left bc I was a serial cheater. As one who's been there, I can tell you that for me, it was 100% NOT about sex. I kept "falling in love" and wanted a fairy tale romance. In truth, I think it was about wanting to feel loved in a kind of desperate way (read: worse than low self-esteem, more like self-loathing).

I'm wondering if this might ring true for you.

I think if you want a relationship with him, you need to forget the past and start fresh.

Wish you the best, sending ❤️ your way.

[2Scared in reply to JerseyGirl57]

Idk if its the condition I have but it feels impossible to forget. It feels like the need for attention gets worse and worse as more problems arise. When everything is happy, its like every other male drops off the face of the earth. But when he pushed me away (and it's always happened before) I thought for sure he was cheating on me so I acted out as well. I could never bring myself to have full on intimacy or kiss anyone else, but even then I feel like I committed and atrocity. I'm so greatful he wants to keep working on things with me, but I think only time will help me be able to cope. I just don't know how long

[JerseyGirl57 in reply to 2Scared]

Sometimes emotional cheating feels as real as actual physical cheating, if that's what you mean.I honestly think this is more about how you feel about yourself than about him (though your relationship sounds like he may not be the one for you. You deserve someone who makes you happy, who you feel safe with, who loves you completely.) It's hard, it's so much easier to stay in some ways, but it can be like hitting your head on a brick wall. Please, if he's the problem then he's not the solution!

[2Scared in reply to JerseyGirl57]

I use to think he was the problem, but the more I reflect I think I self-sabotage a lot. I've been cheated on so many times, I think to myself how could this time be any different, so because I thought he was doing stuff behind my back I retaliated to "protect myself" from feeling abandoned. I didn't form any emotional bonds with anyone, it was more of I let myself get attention from other men to try and fill a void I thought he was creating. We both did things to hurt and disrespect each other, but I can confidently say I don't think I've ever been with someone that's been with patient or understanding of all my up and downs. Maybe it's cause im only 24 and i've only ever been with criminals and cheaters, but I want to try and fix myself not only for him as a partner but for myself. I've never felt worthy of love, but I want to start trying to change that

[JerseyGirl57]

Oh honey I'm so sorry. As you age, I think it will become easier to know and understand how important you are. The world needs more people like you, who are kind and loving and absolutely deserve to be loved and appreciated.I know you really want this relationship to work, but if a friend of yours told you this story, what would you tell her? Be your own best friend for a moment here. You deserve better.