Guilt

[Anxout]

Does anyone else struggle with feelings of guilt??

I often times get anxious and feel very guilty concerning my family.

I often give and give and when I feel taken advantage of I will share my feelings, but then I feel incredibly guilty about it.

I also feel responsible for helping people and I get way to involved and when they don’t take my advice or I can see they are struggling I feel guilty if I don’t help but at the same time I am frustrated because if they had just listened to me in the first place I would not have to get involved!

So frustrating

[Hidden]

I can relate. I am so taken advantage of. My husband hasn't worked in two years so we had to move in with his mother and we have a child who I take care of while he sleeps all day and I work full time. I ask for help at times but he makes me feel guilty for asking.

I just kinda deal with it with no plan for us to ever move out. So frustrating.

[Anxout in reply to Hidden]

Sheesh! I would feel taken advantage of as well!

Maybe it would help to set a goal date to move out, if that is what you want to do.

[Hidden in reply to Anxout]

It was six months but he refuses to look for work at all or lies about looking for a job. I don't know what to do since I can't make it on one income with my daughter.

[Anxout in reply to Hidden]

It sounds like you are already making it work on one income, but I hear you. Very sad to say people can not survive on one income anymore

[Hidden in reply to Anxout]

Yeah but that's because I don't have rent electric cable water gas bills. I'm out of money each month without all that.

[hypercat54]

Who made you responsible for helping others? I strongly suspect you are a people pleaser who puts everyone else's need first and your own last. This is very common.

You need to sort your own head out and put yourself first. Only then can you deal with your anxiety and guilt. Don't forget too that making yourself happier goes a long way to making those around you feel better too.

Often too people don't want advice, they just want to vent. My mother used to play the 'Yes, but game'. A conversation would go something like this 'Well why don't you go swimming then mum'? 'I can't as I am too thin and people would stare at me'. 'No one is looking at you mum so go'. 'I haven't got any transport and can't get there' and so on.

She was just attention seeking and in the end I gave up saying anything. It was much too frustrating. You get what I'm saying? Unless someone specifically asks for your help then I would keep out of it. You are protecting your own feelings when doing that which is very important. x

[Anxout in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you for the reply. You are right. How do you get past the feelings of guilt for putting yourself first? My thought process is “It is selfish to just think of myself, what if everyone did that? No one would help anyone else out.”

My other thought is “what if I don’t try and keep trying to help people who are struggling and the person dies or something bad happens and there was something I could have done to stop it.

[hypercat54 in reply to Anxout]

You recognise that your feelings are just as important as others and sometimes you have to put yourself first. You have to be your own best friend and think what yours would say to you. We also avoid dealing with our own problems by concentrating on others instead, which can lead to anxiety and depression coz we are ignoring ourselves. Everyone has needs and you do too. Even superwoman needs time to recharge!

Like I said before if you attend to your own needs then everyone around you is happier coz I don't think those who love you enjoy the fact you are suffering. I used to think it was my job to keep things running smoothly so would interfere in things which are none of my business. I have long made a conscious effort to mind my own business and stay out of events out of my control.

At the end of the day everyone is responsible for their own well being, so leave it where it belongs. Of course there are times when you have to act but learn the wisdom of distinguishing between the two.

Maybe counselling would be a good idea? This would point you in the right direction. This is my experience and what life has taught me. x

[Anxout in reply to hypercat54]

I agree and have heard the putting yourself first/loving yourself first before you can love someone else argument before. I guess it takes practice. I just struggle with knowing where to draw the line. I have my parents, my aunt and my sister who are all in unstable situations and have been for a long time. I have tried over the years to help them move in a different direction and they just won't make a move. I feel like i am at a point where I can't do anymore, but as soon as I think that my anxiety rears up and says "Don't give up! If something happens to them after you stopped trying you will feel guilty about it for the rest of your life."

Stupid I know. I guess therapy would help with this thought process but I have been in therapy before, I usually return to the same old thinking pattern.

I am feeling a little hopeless and overwhelmed by life in general lately.

I have never taken anything to treat my anxiety, which I have had since childhood (maybe even birth!) and I am considering taking a low dose of Lexapro. I have heard that it has helped others.

[hypercat54 in reply to Anxout]

Well if they don't want to change direction you can't force them too. This is only causing you anxiety as you are beating your head against a brick wall. Just let them be unless they come to you for help. x

[Anxout in reply to hypercat54]

I will try. I need to retreat and allow things to unfold. Remind myself that I do not have the control.

Thanks for listening

[hypercat54 in reply to Anxout]

It's worth remembering too that sometimes things just work out for the best anyway and not everything (or everyone) needs fixing! x

[Anxout in reply to hypercat54]

You are so very right! It is fear that drives the need to fix things. I need to remember that