Want share some thoughts

[MetalEnjoyer]

I want to talk about some experience. When I was in the worst of my isolation and derealization. I felt like an animal. Thats the best way for me to describe it. I was just surviving being controlled by my instincts. I couldn't think about what was happening. I was even in a ton of denial. Its weird to mention, but I actually couldn't see what my parents were doing to me. I felt like no one was willing to help or even cared to think about what was going on. My friends of, which were hundreds of miles away were busy with school and ignoring me because all I did was angerly complain. What my parents were doing was illegal. In hindsight I know that now. For one they weren't even educating me. Even if it was "homeschooling". I didn't actually do anything in that area. I was blinded by pain.

Sad thing is. I felt like a child. Thats why I think they call it Childhood PTSD. I essentially felt like I had no say in anything , so all I did was survive by entertaining myself enough. Its weird to describe it this way I guess, but I felt like I wasn't even self aware or conscious. I think its why I don't have memory of much of my triggers or even during the events. I mean all I remember was some visuals and emotions. Like from childhood.

I'm raising my own daughter. She's 2 years old. She is happy, energetic, and crazy. Sometimes its hard for me to handle her or I instinctual get annoyed by her. I love her and I know the feeling is wrong, so I spend time with her anyway. But it makes me think what I went through when I was 2. I think my family would yell at me and ignore me because I was annoying to them. So I isolated and never spoke or even made noise. My brothers all played videogames together, but without me. Stuff like World of Warcraft. What's so strange is when I was younger I always separated my friends from my brothers. Like I was embarrassed to have them meet my friends. I did it without thinking until recently when I identified that. I had no trust towards them even though they're my brothers. They treat me well, but dang it's crazy to know that.

I think I also formed a fear of failure. One could say everyone has that. But for me failing has happened so often and out of my control. When I was in collage I failed because I couldn't bring myself to ask for help. Now I'm scared to go back. I'm scared to ask for help. That is one of the worst things about the trauma. I hate asking. It's not because of social anxiety, but trust. I mean my mind kept telling me a therapist won't help me. If I went and got help. The fear of asking for help is absolutely wacky.

Just wanted to puke out a bunch of thoughts, I've been super busy and I need to vent a little. Especially after telling a coworker about what happened to me because he asked.

Matt💖

[Hidden]

Talking to psychiatrist helped me when my mental health was suffering the most. It let me say things I would have kept in and finally got released. After so much neglect and abuse you need to feel like a person. Going deep into your thoughts help you see what you are and truly feel, which you may have been pushing aside. Being yourself, is freeing and wonderful thought. You sound like you are really trying to form a relationship with your daughter and it will build you, give you strength and love you need. It's hard to walk away or ignore the damage done to your life or mental health but talking certainly alleviates some of the tension and stress and helps with emotions. Feeling is nothing wrong with that and being you through such harshness is what you want. You will form loving bonds and have that wonderful relationship but learn to love and trust others and yourself again. Heal

Recover from the isolation effects and take your time

[Hidden]

Trigger warning ⚠️ I am alot older than you but I can totally relate. My parents were so verbally and physically abusive that my earliest memory was age 2 and being held down and crying. The memories I have are ugly but the worst of them are repressed. I was in complete denial and actually thought my childhood was fine. Then I had my daughters. At every stage they went through was so painful to see the difference. I did everything I could to be different from my mother. When they became teenagers I went into counseling. I had to write random memories in a notebook, but threw them away unread, it was like throwing it up. Just remember you can be a totally different person than your parents. You can be a great father and try to keep all that old stuff behind,it’s hard but you can free yourself from your past. Keep moving forward and post here if you don’t want counseling yet.

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Hidden]

Dang ya. One of my earliest memories was accidentally breaking a vase unable to explain my actions because no one taught me how to speak even a little bit. My daughter is 2.5 years old and she says full sentences. She uses her words for the most part when she needs something. When I was 3 after breaking that vase my dad as far as I remember whipped me as hard as he could with a belt. I think part of my inability to speak and a lot of my regression actually comes from that one event. It was like. One moment I remember breaking the vase and being hit then into nothingness like when I was 14 after a big fight with my dad slamming his hand in a door.

[Hidden]

Abuse and neglect is criminal offence but you wonder who is going to save you. Social worker? friend? relatives? stranger?

But when you are older, you can fight for your rights and others.

Would really have loved to be social worker or police or psychiatrist

Save someone

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Hidden]

Been actually considering becoming a councilor. Or something along those lines. I can't stand it when parents have no idea what they doing to their kids. Especially when there is "physical discipline". Seeing that crap almosts makes me violent. It does make me violent especially toward my own parents. No one hits you to punish you in the real world and no parent should ever touch their kid in a threatening way. I shame my parents quite thoroughly for it.

There was actually research done on "physical discipline". Linked to a rise in depression. It's probably one reason why every single brother in my family has been diagnosed with depression alongside a multitude of mental health problems. ADHD, depression with anxiety, anger problems, emotional dysfunction. My whole family has been diagnosed with those issues.

[Hidden in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

It's probably more common and with poverty and other issues a child/adult child has all these depression/mental health issues to deal with too. I like the fact you are looking into councilor job. You have real chance to make a difference in this world. So many people you are going to help. I still feel you can been studying or working and this will help you too and we are on path to better understanding our life or our mental health issues. Takes time and energy but well worth going through. I hope you can help your family in time and your brother is finally able to manage his problems/care.

I applaud you for trying and understanding much more than others would do in these situations. I feel you will succeed.

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Hidden]

Lol its not just brother. I had 5 brothers of, which 2 passed away from mental health problems I won't go into detail rn. I have 3 still alive with those same problems. And 2 half siblings. My parents had no self control when it came to having kids. They always used religion as an excuse to mindlessly make babies. Without truly caring for them. They don't believe in contraception.

We were also poor because they couldn't stop having kids. In my eyes and from having a daughter it became an addiction to them.

[Hidden in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

I hope you make it. Seeking early treatment in mental health helps. Sorry you lot have alot of problems to deal with. I hope you truly find a way through this and brothers

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Hidden]

We're all doing pretty well. Although I'm still dealing with a lot of problems personally. I feel I got the worst of it because I was the last kid to be stuck with them. Had no one to go too during the worst of it. All my brothers, but one moved 1000 miles away. Me and my wife live together with our 2 year old. It's hard. Especially since modern life prevents all my friends from actually living. Especially where we live. Rent is so absurd, bills are absurd. This place practically has the knew minimum wage of 15 dollars an hour. No place offers more. Which is not enough for health insurance so I'm relying on the obama care act and health insurance until I'm 26 under my parents plan. Medicaid was expanded a little bit, but it doesn't mean much because for some reason they think 130% of the poverty line is livable especially when they made the excuse it's for the farmers. 130% of 20k or whatever is not enough to live in South Dakota. Not happily. We have to live off food stamps because all money we earn goes into bills like rent.

I really don't want to live in this state TBH. It's just so expensive to move. Everything costs so damn much.

Rent is actually approaching near 1000 dollars even under affordable housing here.

[Hidden in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

Yes I am finding it hard, too. Many people here using food banks/charity. UK people feeling the cost of living. I don’t know where to go either as all countries seem to be having hard time

Just surviving or barely coping. Still working on health problems Which make it worse

Pray is all we can do. Maybe we will find solutions I hope but I don’t see at moment

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Hidden]

There are better states outside of where I live. Honestly whenever I look at what a lot of European countries are doing. It sounds like paradise compared to America. I don't mean that to be insensitive. Having access to universal healthcare for example. In america its a nightmare. Health insurance charges your income before you're even paid if it goes through work. And it's like 400-800 dollars a month. That is 1/4 or nearly half my income in a month. That's not counting what I call poor person filters lol like copays when getting medication. Which can be as low as 7 dollars to 40 dollars or even 100 dollars just to get pills for the month. When I get my medications it's usually a sacrifice on paying for absurd gasoline prices or having to ask people for money. Healthcare in America is actually criminal. The system takes advantage of peoples disabilities. Literally having a baby costs me and my wife 1000 dollars and that was with Medicaid. There's people I know who had "million dollar" babies. Thats not an over exaggeration.

I totally agree with you though I heard the UK is not doing so well. Especially on the cost of living. Its amazing that no one in power is even trying to make things better. For both countries.

I also don't know much about how the UK works to be clear.

[Agora1]

Matt, what happened to you and your brothers was brutal. Unfortunately not considered

so at one time. It was a matter of keeping kids in line and respectful of elders or so they

thought. My mother was one of 7 children and I remember vividly going to my grandparent's

house and wondering why a strap was hanging at the door. Now a days, it's "time out",

social workers, school counseling. Where's the middle ground here for parents to raise

children who aren't afraid of them but respect the rules of the family. It's difficult raising

children at any age and at any time in history. Parents don't get a manual when a child

is born. The learning experience many times comes from the way they were raised. Right

or Wrong.

Your having a child now of your own can be the start for a new age of parenthood.

May you always remember these formative years are an important foundation for

their life ahead. Keep coming here, we are listening xx

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Agora1]

I agree with that. But they're getting what they deserve. Their whole family has abandoned them. Their children don't call. Two of them ended their lives because how they raised them. They're both miserable and sadly, but gladly they're both hated by everyone around them because they cant admit what they did wrong. That is where I cut the line. If they can't face how they ruined other humans then they deserve the worse that comes to them.

Even my dad's brother hates him.

[Agora1 in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

It's a sad story for sure and I'm sorry you had to experience that.

Oh the saying "what goes around comes around" does certainly seem

to be playing into this now with your parents. Too late for them to make

changes I'm afraid. And so we learn by their experiences.

Interesting in that your dad's brother dislikes him having grown up

in the same generation as your dad. We all have choices, your uncle choose

a different path to take. xx

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Agora1]

I think part of it had to be my parents convincing my brother to move back up to where they lived. From where my uncle lived. After that he went down hill and committed a shooting in the apartment building we shared before the cops ended his life. Too make it clear. He had a lot of problems. Similar too me. PTSD, depression with anxiety, maybe even ADHD since more than one person has been diagnosed with it in my family. Finally he also had schizophrenia so his psychosis and delusions literally made him relive trauma. He was also in the marines so he had combat training.

It scares me severely. But I almost joined the military out of desperation like him. I would have died from that. Most of his psychosis and schizophrenia involved his drill instructors and the military alongside with his job in the marines.

[Agora1 in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

Thank you for a heartfelt explanation in the trauma behind these tragedies.

I'm truly sorry xx

ies