just need to vent again

[CroutonBehavior]

I still don't have health insurance and the way things are looking, I don't think the insurance company will have it figured out any time soon. I have a doctor's appointment coming up in the next couple of months and the insurance probably doesn't even matter because I don't want to go. There's nothing physically wrong with me that we haven't already discussed and treated. She can't help me with my mental issues more than she already has. She wrote the referrals I needed and still, no one is available until Winter.

I don't want to wait it out anymore. I've gotten good at numbing my brain and keeping myself from crying. Sometimes it's voluntary and other times it's not. Crying has never helped me even when I allowed myself to do it. I'll just cry and cry until my heart is racing and I'm overwhelmed. It works me up severely, then, I act out or cope negatively and fall asleep shortly after. Venting doesn't help much either so I'm not sure why I do it. It's like picking at a scab and irritating the skin, nothing good comes from it. I end up upset regardless.

It feels like I'll never get better because I've rotted to my core and now I no longer want to get better. I'm not willing to fight so hard anymore. I don't even like taking deep breaths, it's too much energy to only keep myself in a situation that I don't want to be in.