Hi… I’m new to this site

[HarryBraynes]

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for many years/decades. I have been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, and I can strongly identify with ADHD. The past few years have been pretty bad. It seems I’ve been black listed by medical professionals. The very people who are supposed to be there to help me are now making judgement on me and pushing me away. wtf? I have had bad experiences with doctors, nurses, and even dentists. And when I spoke with the administator in patient care she didn’t sound at all she cared. And when I told her that the doctor refused to look at my test results and said - "… ultrasounds are stupid! Nobody reads those things anymore!”, She said… “uh-huh… so what seems to be the problem?” !!!!!!!

I’m not sure what the deal is with the world today but it feels like covid lockdown has taken us from bad to worse. I feel more alone now than I ever have before. I find it way more challenging to feel safe when I go out… and it feels a lot less secure when I stay home. There just seems to be a lot more anger and hate in the world today. It’s sad, because I thought the world would end up being a better place to live after covid. I don’t know….

Anyway… right when you think it can’t get any worse…………… My wife and I split up last week because of the stress my fear and anxiety causes her.

So... here I am on agoraphobian house arrest. More afraid of the world than I ever have been… more alone than I have ever felt… and more in need of a friend than I ever thought I would be.

Thanks for reading

[Cookie2217]

Hi there. Welcome to the community! You have hopefully found your group your people so to speak because everyone on here is very sympathetic and here to help and offer tips and advice on things that they do to help themselves that work for them so you will find a lot of support here. I suffer from major depressive disorder, PTSD and adjustment disorder too. I was put on medication that wasn't working for a long time and fell into a deep depression of 4 years since before covid and I'm just beginning to come out of it now. During covid I signed up for cognitive behavior therapy online which was free. The therapist was very nice but she was also very young so I didn't really identify with her all that much but she tried which I appreciated. Then I wound up losing my job and my home and I was seeing a psycho therapist, Dr. Michael Nover who was wonderful with me. Now mind you I was journaling my feelings this whole entire time and I was psychologically emotionally and verbally abused by my mother when I was a teenager because she spoke to me from the bottom of the Scotch bottle and would call me horrible names for no reason. My father physically abused me when I was young and also did not protect me from my mother's wrath when this was going on and instead chose to go to bed nightly and leave me alone to deal with this mess and abuse. I wound up writing both of my parents letters telling them what they did to me how it made me feel and forgave both of them for me because it helped on my journey of healing which I'm still on today. I am finally beginning to see that glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel of the whole I had to take myself out of called depression. Believe me it wasn't easy to get here as I would lay in my bed unable to get out of bed and I was so debilitated that I couldn't even go to work sometimes it was horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm sure that you can relate to some of what I said here as you suffer with bipolar disorder which is very debilitating as well and PTSD as well. I want you to know that you are not alone, that you are worthy and that you are enough. You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God himself and he makes no mistakes.

[HarryBraynes]

Thanks so much for taking the time to write a reply. It means a lot and yes… I can identify in large part to your story. While my parents did not drink or drug… I used to wish they did so I could blame their behaviour on something. Unfortunately, they were brought up in the same dysfunction that they raised me up in.

Thanks again for your reply. It is so nice to connect with someone… and someone who can empathize with me. Bonus!

BTW, BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, not Bipolar although it can be difficult to tell the difference between the two because there is so much symptom overlap.

[sunshinefan]

Hello and welcome. People here are very kind and supportive. I hope you will find what you need here.

[HarryBraynes in reply to sunshinefan]

Thanks, sunshinefan. I hope you do too! It’s 9am where I am… just waking up. It’s nice to wake up to a msg and someone to say Good Morning to. I hope you get the friendship and support you need today. Your message to me was a great way to start my day. It feels better going through this shit knowing I’m not alone… that there are people who care about me. It also feels better going through this shit when I have people I can care about too! I’m not sure if I’m in a place where I can be much help to you but hopefully this simple exchange of messages is enough for us both to stay in touch with the positive side of things… as little as it seems there is of it. Thanks again, sunshinefan, for breaking through your issues enough to welcome me. You’re a good person and I’m better off because of it. I hope you are feeling better off because of it, too!

[sunshinefan in reply to HarryBraynes]

HairyBrains

Your message made me smile! Thank you!

[HarryBraynes in reply to sunshinefan]

Your smile made me smile

thanks

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

Welcome HairyBrains! Sorry to hear about things going topsy turvy on you. I used to be an agoraphobic myself and I know how much it can disrupt your life. The anxiety and fear of the outside world.

Well we are here for a supportive ear or you can pick our brains on advice on how we handled anxiety and depression.

Wishing you healing and peace 🫂 ❤️

[HarryBraynes in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

Hi CL3V3R-G1RL… I just realized that I didn’t acknowledge or thank you for your welcome post. Not sure why that happened but better late than never… Thanks for your reply! What were your symptoms like and how long did your agoraphobia last? I think I may have been predominantly Histrionic when I was younger; always out and about, chatting it up, getting involved, making friends… but now… i don’t know… I’m afraid to be someone’s friend in fear they will push me out without any apparent reason. I’ve been dis’d so many times over the past 15 years for no apparent reason that I’m wondering if I’m on someone’s shit list and their hell bent on making me suffer for the rest of my life for something I did to them… but they won’t tell me who they are or what I did. I know… sounds bizarre but it really feels like someone is passing my name around with bad intent. This is the reason I am now afraid to go out. I stay home 24/7 except for shopping the necessities. I find this to be a lessor evil… hurts less than the pain caused by this gnawing persistence that follows me.

I’ve searched the net for info and have read a fair bit about Gang Stalking and Targeted Individuals but a lot of what I read entails being followed by unknown people (which I do not experience), and a belief that electronic tracking devices have been implanted into their bodies (a belief I do not have). I know I have a personality disorder, but I’m not hallucinating any of what’s been happening. My wife has been witness to a lot of it. It’s dumbfounding and scary. It caused endless stress in my marriage; stress specifically related to my insistent and prolonged surrender to agoraphobia.

It’s strange… the very thing that provides me safety from the outside world is a "disorder".

Anyway, I don’t like it and I don’t see it ever going away unless I am removed from whatever list I have been added to. And that’s about as far as I can see at this point.

[CL3V3R-G1RL in reply to HarryBraynes]

Mine started when I was around 9yrs old. I was bullied by my 3rd grade teacher. I think she hated me because I was a big ugly kid and I gave gifts to her. I think she may have thought I'm trying to grease the wheels. But I only gave gifts to my teachers because that was my mom's idea. So my anxiety started there. I didn't want to go to school because I didn't want to be yelled at everyday. Of course this is in the 90s and mental health wasn't a concern. As I got older my school days became worst. We moved to a new home and the school there was smaller but a lot of kids. My anxiety was getting progressively worse. By the time I was a teenager it was at an all time high. I didn't feel safe at school. I wanted to be home. I would get nervous, shaking and eventually I would throw up. I would also get stomach cramps. It was awful time.

My mom was up and down with me. Trying to be helpful and then being mean to me because she didn't really understand what I was going through. Eventually I started seeing a good therapist and my mom would take me out driving. Out in t my e country and exploring the country side. Eventually rides at night. In a way to help me still feel I'm apart of this world. Eventually I expanded my safe zones. My home, my therapist and car. Then added to it. Eventually made friends. Although not in the typical way. I made them all online. But I was able to meet 2 of them in person and been friends with ever since. Though now it's lonely now. My best friend is moving away. And I lost contact with the other. That person is still my friend on social media accounts but hasn't responded to any messages I left him. So idk. But anyways I got over my agoraphobia when I was around 19yrs old. So I guess it lasted for about 7yrs maybe. I didn't do much living in my teenage years. Not your typical teenage stuff.

Now I'm just dealing with a relapse of anxiety and depression. But that was caused by a medical scare. I've been reading up on Anxiety with a book called Dare:a new way to stop panic attack and end anxiety by Barry McDonagh. Which has helped me out a lot.

No need to apologize. It happens. Anyways hope you get through this. Wishing you healing and peace 🫂 ❤️