I'm lost in my life. I struggle to take care of myself here but going home is also dangerous for my condition

[Against_the_current]

When i finish with studies dad will stop paying my rent and I will have to either go home permanently or find a job and stay here permanently and im terrible at taking care of myself and live alone and on a tiny, dirty place but at home mom's drinking and worrying me. If i knew what im doing, i would know whether to stay here this week or go home. I don't even have water

[SoporRose]

I wish had something new and useful to tell you. I still believe you have it in you to make a success of your life.

Moving home with your mom doesn't have to be permanent. You can finish your studies, move home for a while, be a help around the house as a way to prove to yourself that you DO know how to take care of yourself, then move on to finding a job. Once you have a job, you can save some money (it would be nice and adult if you offered to help your mom with some expenses, even if you feel she owes you) until you have enough to move out.

I realize you'll need therapy and support to get to that point, but perhaps if you hold on to the idea of earning your freedom and being able to move far from your family that will give you just enough energy to take those first steps.

You can do this. I know you can, even if it's very hard. You can be someone different.

Please get yourself some water!

[bethelbee in reply to SoporRose]

Great reply!

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thanks. Idk if it's an option with my parents but gotta figure things out

[SoporRose in reply to Against_the_current]

We get used to being broken. Brokenness can become so intertwined with our thoughts and feelings that it becomes our identity and, even though we desperately want to be someone different, we can't imagine what that looks like and the prospect of change feels alien and frightening.

You are young enough still to break out of that trap. Your brain is still malleable. And you are smart enough and successful enough that I believe there are schools — maybe in other countries — that would be willing to help you find scholarships and a work-study job teaching or staffing the library or something of that sort. I suspect you'll need a transition period at home — you MUST have drinking water! — to re-set a bit and I'm sure others will have better ideas than mine for how to lay a foundation for moving forward. But I believe in you.

[Cavalierrubie]

You might feel in turmoil now, but you have finished your studies and now you can fly. With a little bit of organisation and thought you can move forwards and start over. It’s time to be brave. Things will fall into place for you. Your Mum has probably been through lots which has bought her to this place, but if she will have you home, she must care about you. A mother loves her child, even if they don’t always show it in the way you expect, but having your Mum is precious time and life is short. I wish l had my Mum. Take one day at a time as this is a big change for you. Go home until you get a job and then you will be able to get a place of your own. You are not responsible for your parents and how they live, so do not worry. Think of yourself, because your life is just starting and the best is yet to come.

[Against_the_current in reply to Cavalierrubie]

Thank you

[PuzzleArt]

I can understand, from what you are saying, the difficulties you are dealing with. I also have the outer difficulties with coping...paying bills, etc and the inner relationship difficulties. They both can happen at the same time and be overwhelming! However, I don't agree that you are doing a terrible job. You are doing what you can and what is humanly possible. You always sound like you are taking responsibilities seriously. It just isn't possible to solve all the problems at the same time, and it does make a person feel pretty helpless and like you should have the answer. I also feel buffeted by the waves and like your name, am swimming "against the current". Keep hanging in there! You may have some bright spots ahead, and may find someone who can help you also.

[Against_the_current in reply to PuzzleArt]

Thank you. And needed this understanding