Ego death

[MetalEnjoyer]

It's so disheartening you know. Putting together your life and realizing that one moment that I can't even remember has controlled my entire life. In fact I've always thought my state of mind was normal. Always thinking disconnected. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself and its to explain the world or learn and teach myself something. But that stress of worrying about people not making me feel heard or like no one will listen to me has been crippling. My whole life has been forgotten as far as I can think. Just little snippets. A lot of my memory was in middle school where I was slowly adapting and finding purpose in life through my best friends. First time in my life I felt I could speak to people. But after 8th grade ended my parents told me we were traveling the country. I literally went through grief and triggering emotional flashbacks. Angry and hateful of them not even thinking about my needs. I decided that people needed to hear me and listen. So I reached out, calling for help on what to do. No one listened or they say "oh you I'm sure 4 years in not that bad". Or "homeschooled kids do successful". Well i tried gas lighting myself too. That didn't work. For a whole year I was lonely, left out, dissociated, angry, sad, but also numb. I've never thought about it, but my Illrationale reaction of anger as if I'm a child has always bothered me. Its why i remember doing this. One time I got in a fight with my dad and I slammed his hand in the door and he was threatening to call the cops etc. In a panic I screamed not knowing what to do. I went and hid in a clothes basket with a blanket and cried until I was disconnected. I remember it being so bad my mind was blank. I didn't think about anything. You could have punched me and it would take me an unusual amount of time for me to either feel it or even react to it. I was living through my own worst childhood hood fear on repeat. Thinking back to it I've never been the same. It's horrific. Now that I think of it as a kid I moved a lot so I would lose my friends all the time.l especially from kindergarten and 1st grade. I would never wish the pain of that suffering to my worst enemy. I felt humiliated and like no one cared. I would get so mad at others and push them away because they have no idea that I was basically dying. I've lost so much... I feel like I can only remember like 85% or my life. Being 22 i feel like my life finally started 2 years ago when my daughter was born. She single handedly has kept me going for those 2 years. I feel like everything that has made me died and now I have to figure out how to be a person again and tell people about my experience and life. I always thought of myself as a happy person. Maybe a coping mechanism. But I was never was as a kid. Right now my goal in life is to resocialize and stop caring about what others think because I'm done with it. People are hearing about me and talking about our lives regardless of what people want to hear because we live in a terrible world. No matter what we're all not alone and everyone has their problems. But for me I think its my new purpose to find those issue people are dealing with and helping them. Because as a kid my whole life Id always imagine helping others and being social and mot so lonely. There is a lot of things we all can do to get through life, but im convinced that as people we all need to be open with each other it's at least my own purpose to life to love everyone as best as I can regardless of what they went through because I've had so many regrets not expressing that and making it known to others that i may be some random dude, but there is someone out there who cares.

[Dolphin14]

MetalEnjoyer

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. You have a chance to give her what you never had. You will listen to her and value her words.

I'm sorry you struggled so much. I think one of the most important things for every human is to be listened to. We all have something to say whether we are 2 or 70.

You will change things for those around you by using your voice and listening to theirs

Best of luck to you

🐬

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you. The 2 girls I take care of give me so much purpose in life. But also after really thinking about my own. I read a comment that people who grew up dissociated and in trauma growing up are very deep thinkers. Sometimes I feel super wise even though im 22 years old. Although I can't remember much of my younger life. In order to deal with the world I had to explain it to myself. To put it into words that would let me understand it. Its actually a coping mechanism I have. Rationalization. I had to do it because it expands my knowledge while being so disconnected. Honestly I'm not a therapist. I don't know much about the mind besides the ton of research I've done recently. But I'm now 100% certain this is not normal. My inner child always wanted to reach out for that understanding. Im come to realize I need to do that. Thats why I'm treating myself like an open book in these texts. Its been such a nice feeling. I haven't been this content in a while. Although I'm still in quite a bit of shock lol.

[Dolphin14 in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. I understand everything you are saying. We learn so many different skills to survive. How to stay under the radar, how to read a room, how to walk on egg shells, how to soothe ourselves and on and on as you know.

I don't think any of us can get better unless we speak the truth. It all has to be laid out so we can put ourselves back together.

I've done a ton of inner child work in therapy. It what brought me the most understanding of my life.

I encourage you to keep up the good work.

Have you read The Body Keeps The Score? Check it out on you tube

Wishing you the best

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Dolphin14]

My GP actually told me about that one. I plan to read it. Maybe when I get a bit more control. Such as world outlook an things. These past few years has had a lot of damage and hate form. Sometime I feel like a Zombie that observes with anger and empathy and the only ability I have is to complain. Honestly as of right now I need to provide my inner child that socializing regardless of how I feel. That year in the RV genuinely derailed my ability to communicate. Almost like someone took a sledge hammer to my head with no headache after.

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Dolphin14]

You know its actually so refreshing now that I think about it. Although my childhood was lonely and sucky and even going through such severe trauma. I feel like after working through this month and although it kinda felt like a dream it has made me feel like I started a new life. Its actually kinda nice. I feel like I have more freedom than I ever had. Dang... Pretty crazy to think that I was trapped by trauma my whole life and my brain decided to just be like. No no, go away. Than isolated itself.

[Dolphin14 in reply to MetalEnjoyer]

It's a great feeling when you can start taking your power back.

[Midori in reply to Dolphin14]

Absolutely!

Cheers, Midori

[Junella]

I'm not sure I can say I understand because my childhood was tainted by a family tragedy from which I never really recovered, and I am old now. But moving on with life, I made it. Being a teenager was miserable most of the time and anxious thinking people didn't like me, etc. I was the only child at home and lonely and felt I had no friends. (I did and still in contact with two of them.) Rescue came when my parents joined a church and I went to a boarding school. I got well but it's been up and down. I feel blessed and thankful and that's where healing happens.

They talk about spilling your guts and telling all. At first that's a beginning but keep up being negative and you face a miserable life. Reframe the past and learn from it. Try positive psychology. It took too many years for me to learn that. Don't waste them.

[MetalEnjoyer in reply to Junella]

I can understand why church helped you. For me it just pushed everyone away. I grew up in a toxic environment where I thought everyone was hostile and I didn't know how to express myself. When I went to church my parents would use that faith and talk to me about it and try to have me understand. But I've realized now that when they talked to me they never stopped and tried to listen to me. On top of this we all thought my mom was dying. All my brothers were teenagers who probably grew up under their own neglect. My home was like a free for all where prayer and religion was a cover. Especially for my parents. My parents tried to spread that faith to me, but it caused them to ignore my feelings and it tainted me. Now I've realized that. Life isn't all about just faith. I think people become blind to that and it pulls them away from the fact that were all people and that regardless of who we are please don't just make faith everything in your life. Pull yourself partially away, you don't have to stop believing. But from that and connect to people and their own problems to lash out whats wrong with each other and gain understanding and respect. The world is filled with so much crap. Mundane and dumb problems that everyone blows out of proportion than it creates a nasty tumorous growth of trauma. Heck my grandpa blamed himself for the death of his 2 year old brother. That nasty stuff spread to my dad likewise with my mom too. They were always so disconnected from me and my family they literally tried to have an exorcism on my brother because he didn't want to go to church. It's my belief if we focus all our passion into with friendship and family it connects us closer to happiness. Don't let the faith isolate you emotionally. It did my parents and I'm sorry if this could seem offensive especially over text. Just don't lose yourself in belief like I did. My belief wasn't faith. But hate and blame. It corrupted me. I see faith as a tool, but don't let it become your sole connection to the world. It makes us project beliefs into others that turns into something nasty like with my parents. I could argue for days with my issues with the bible and religion. But that would be pointless and stupid. We as humans desire connection above all else for most. We desire connection so much like with me I managed by talking to myself or as if it was another person to cope. Isolation... its the worst damn thing I've ever experienced and no words I think can describe how it is. It changes you... and when it becomes hate. It's become nothing, but stuck in the head and filled with anger unable to tell others about how I feel for the world and everyone around me. I think its not just anger that becomes that soul drive like with me, but for others its pride like with my dad. I've come to realize that and is what religion is to most people and I think that's cool. But don't lose yourself in that like I did or especially my parents. Their whole family left them. Even my uncle. They're alone and miserable with faith the only thing keeping them alive. I tried to confront them, but all they did was patronize and insult me. Church does give that social connection. But if you don't already do it. Contact any friends you have please. Tell them how you feel for them and tell them you love them. Don't just bring god into that. Bring it from yourself not what you believe in thought because that person will love you more for showing that. There is nothing embarrassing in telling others you care for them even on a daily basis. It makes them happier. Not at that moment because focus on it and hold that memory. There are so many times in my life I regret that because I was so self absorbed into my own head because trauma shoved me into that hole. You can use faith to understand the world and as a tool like I use my own thoughts as explanations. But that tool can become seemly like the only things some people have. It's literally made my parents personalities so much to the point. They're not even people anymore, but subconsciously angry shells filled with loneliness and abandonment because I'm certain and for a fact in knowing that they're traumatized and never left that for over 50 years. Faith is their shell they project now and onto others. I'm sorry if I projected out any offense. But after being able to think clearly. I don't hate religion. Just the way people use it especially when they used it to get through life at a young age. Which isn't a bad thing. I love who you are and it's good you tell others that. I also don't think you live like my parents. I just think there are too many people on this world that use religion as a way to over explain the world and they lose connection from people's feelings and experiences. You have a wonderful day ma'am 🙂