All I am anymore is a waste of time and energy to the few people that are in my life still. I don't want to drag anymore people down with me. I'm not worth trying to save or fix. I'm broken and I'm my own worst enemy. I have no one but myself to blame for the position I'm in and where I'm at in life. I'm so tired of being a failure and an embarrassment. It doesn't matter if I'm surrounded by family, people I know, or a crowd of strangers, I'm always so alone. I just want so badly to feel wanted and needed instead of 'disposable' and 'dealt' with. My best and pretty much only friend is my dog and I can promise God himself that without her I would probably not be here. I feel like I'm even dragging down my dog and hurting her, she deserves a better owner. I don't know how to be happy again. I do pray quite a bit now days, but not for myself, I pray that God will not waste time on me and just help people who deserve it. I know I'm a lost cause. I'm not living, I'm surviving. I have no purpose, feels like I'm just in 'limbo' and no one can live without purpose. I've pretty much given up and failed at life, I'm broken. I am to the point now that for some screwed up reason I actually feel better when I'm down/depressed, at least I feel like I can actually control it, unlike my ability to find some type of joy or happiness. Every single person that has talked to me and told me they are willing and able to help has just left me hanging. I have talked to many mental health professionals as well as inpatient facilities, but as if it's set on repeat, they have just tossed me to the curb, especially when I try to discuss my issue of only having state insurance and little to no money. It's hard not to think negative and feel like a burden to everyone when the people that are supposed to be so helpful and caring towards people struggling with mental illness and/or addiction like myself, just give up on me...
I'm Broken I Surrender...: All I am... - Anxiety and Depre...
I'm Broken I Surrender...
Hi It is hard yes to see people turn away and give up on you I agree. But perhaps they just don’t know what to do to help? People need to be selfish and look after themselves and it is usually the ones who don’t know how to do this which end up in a pit of despair as I like to call it. I can totally relate to the fact that you are surrounded by people but still feel so alone, it’s horrible, but you have to try and question that loneliness and thoughts.
Well, if they don't know how or cant help then they need to switch careers and/or at least be considerate and professional by communicating that instead of leaving waiting for their call after they say they will get me into a facility.
I do agree that some people outside of professionals in mental health field might not know what to do or how to handle it, but if it's family, especially my parents, I would like to think they would have my back and help me knowledgeable or not. I told 4 people about my suicide plans before I followed through with it and 2 of them basically laughed at me and the other 2 were my mom and dad. Their response was, less than a week later, they got 25k life insurance policy on me, it completely tore me up, I felt lost. I learned that trying to talk and tell people about stuff like that only makes things worse.
I feel alone a lot too even with spouse children and his family in the area (they're not close nor supportive). I'm a very affectionate person but have not gotten my needs met by people around me much. I was feeling like you the other week and just cried in bed (crying helps me feel better) but I didn't want to be sad so I tried to think of the things that I was glad for at the moment: having a nice comfy bed to lay on, a warm blanket, my children etc. That helped me some. I have yet to find balance in my life with all my responsibilities that are ongoing. I try to find something I like ever once in a while to do it, keeps my mind occupied so I don't go to a depressive state. I'm glad you're here talking.
Are you my brother? Wow. You may be his twin. You believe in God. Well God doesn’t make mistakes! When something is broken we put it back together. One piece at a time. It can be done! I promise. My brother has been sober from heroin for about 2 years. He was addicted a lot longer. Depressed, OCD, anxious etc. He now has a beautiful fiancé, a nice car, a nice home and his son is with him more than his mom. He really had hit rock bottom for sure. There was nothing we could do as much as we loved him though because until he decided to get clean and change his life we could not do it for him. We loved him and tried to keep him safe as Best we could which was enabling him actually. Finally I had to just step back and let him figure it out. He actually got caught leaving a drug house and got subpoena to testify against the guy which he knew could get him clean. He did not do it. Thank God they made a deal and he didn’t have to go. He was living in the street. Broke. Then scared to death! So he finally made the decision to get clean. He had to go on suboxen but when he wasn’t a slave to the drug he was able to work and build his life up. There is hope! I know I shared that long story but I wanted you to know that it can be done. It doesn’t matter the addiction. Being addicted though exacerbated anxiety and depression. You can get help in the same place. It just need to be a dual diagnosis treatment center. I saw that on Dr. Phil. Aren’t I clever? Lmao I’m sorry but sometimes we need to not take ourselves so seriously. One of the problems is that your anxiety is feeding you or you are feeding your anxiety this negative rhetoric such as broken, lost cause, failure, embarrassment etc. If you weren’t sick with mental health problems and addiction you would not feel that way. So it’s the addiction feeding the anxiety and anxiety feeding you. It’s a viscous cycle. I can’t tell you it will be easy because it won’t. But it is possible. God takes care of all His children. So while you pray for others pray for yourself to get the strength to overcome. I can’t understand people not trying to help you. That’s what they do. Anxiety though can lead us to believe that we are a burden or no one wants us. That’s not true. I feel that way and no matter how many times my mom or brother tell me they love me I can’t get it out of my head. That’s anxiety whispering in your head like the devil on your shoulder. It’s our own insecurities. Don’t listen to it. The problem is you’ve convinced yourself it’s true and play right into with the words you use. You are worth it. I know that! God knows it.
You need to find help for all of your problems. If you conquer the addiction which will increase your anxiety then you can kick the anxiety. Learning to control the anxiety though can be very helpful in helping cure the addiction. It’s hard to help one without the other.
My dog is my very best and only friend. I distance myself from people due to my anxiety. She is calm and I feed off that energy and then I pull out the treats and she gets so excited. So I feed off that energy. I love her so much. The thing with dogs are that they are loyal to a fault. Your dog loves you. Giving her to someone else would confuse and hurt her/him so bad. Love her. Play fetch with her. You can ball up mismatched socks to make a toy. Put them in a sock tie it off and throw it. I just researched a lot about dogs. My baby is old. Then we got a puppy. She is hyper and fun. She still sleeps a lot too. They bring me more joy than I ever imagined. So while looking up dog info they said that dogs love treats but the best treat you can give him is your time. Play with him. They are so easy to please.
I hope you can find the right kind of care for your needs but I’m here to talk if needed. I have medical experience and experience with addiction. We need to get you out of this rotten space you are in. I wish you the very best!
My brothers was going to have to testify against someone which he knew could get him killed. I said clean. He had told us he wasn’t going to so he’d be going to jail. They reached an agreement so last minute he didn’t have to do it. We had already said goodbye because he was going to jail. Not a snitch! Anyway after all that fear he ended up scared enough to get clean. He would have suffered from the detox in jail. Anyway for him that’s what it took. His life is so good now.
You can do it! God can help you! If you ever need to talk I’m here. I had typed in error so had to clear that up. This anxiety is a pain in my butt! 😜
It's depression. I get to feeling the same way. Recently now I was diagnosed with anhedonia or something. It means I've lost that zest or something
Are you on psych meds? If not,then you're free to drink coffee maybe. I like to make lattes at home but getting out for some coffee or latte around people is better.
I also like matcha green tea plain or as a latte.
I like creamy things like yogurt
I luvv chocolate
Caffeine is a natural antidepressant ,but, yes, you will come down from it and feel depressed again
As long as you know what you have described is depression.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. Sometimes people are not compassionate when others talk about suicide. I encourage you to call your local crisis hotline and find out who will take your state insurance. Are you in the U.S.? I also suggest that when you pray, ask for help for yourself. You never know what kind of miracle you might bring about.
Yes, your life is important, but right now your depression is telling you otherwise. You're going to have to start fighting it. If you can do exercise, try running. Take vitamins. Make sure you get some sun every day. If you're Christian, try reading the Bible. These are small things you can do that can make a difference.
Don't give up on getting some professional help. It's just a matter of time, and if you try the crisis line as I suggested, they may have some good ideas for you. Your state insurance can still help you.
You have friends here and are not alone. We all get it, No judgments here. Take care and please be good to yourself.
I share your pain and iwill be the first to tell you that drugs are not helping at all. I was addicted to every drug you can think of. Weed, cociane, crystal meth, heroine, crack, GHB. I spent over 15 years jumping from one drug to the next and when i finally decided to stop I went into a state of depression that lasted 4 years. Ifinally made it to the other side but til this day i suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I am a better person today and even though istill have my issues outta better living clean. Take it from me my friend. If you need someone to talk to... I AM HERE as a friend and a brother.
Hi Mjshells people get tired of me too, even those who suffer with the same depression and anxiety that I do . But still, its a good idea to try a support group, sometimes it's just "chemistry". just like dating, there still has to be a "friendship chemistry" for people to connect . i was going to a support group for a long time and would be very hurt bc no one there seemed to want to be my friend, hang out, etc- but finally after a couple years i connected with one lady. it's not the greatest or deepest connection either - but i just think eventually we all find at least some level of some connection , with a few people out there. praying for you
I feel for you....I hope things are getting better.....and they will and do eventually. I was ok for about 10 years then I had a severe trigger.....I'm thinking if looking into EMDR therapy....I have heard nothing but great results but it has a scary side....I'm afraid of the process...but if I can fix myself without the aid of medicine I will try anything... because I do understand about feeling like everyone has bailed on you....it's like once they find out you have limited means for finances their attitude changes and they start treating you like they have a mundane job. I mean why decide to go into a profession if your only in it for the paycheck.... especially in the mental health profession....these are the people who are more sensitive and can sense the distance. But I hope you find yourself and and get back to living. Good luck.
Hey man, you are strong, tough times don't last, tough people, do. I hope you are feeling better.
Hey brother I know exactly how you feel. I've always wanted a dog but because I have no friends besides my family I feel like getting a dog will only drag him/her down. Dogs love companionship and since I'm alone most of the time I don't want him/her to feel the same. Another thing you said that struck me was that you felt better when you were deppressed and that is exactly how I feel. I remember trying to stay positive and upbeat, but quickly I felt detached, confused, and even more lost. So I went back to listening sad songs and watching sad movies. Dont understand how being deppressed makes me feel more normal or better but it definitely feels better being sad, at least for me it does. That feeling of hopelessness you get when you find the courage to seek help, but ultimately others leave you out dry will be very painful. I seek help before with doctors and hospital wards only to be left hanging time after time. This can be very bad for me because I've been shunned and ignored almost all my life so when the next rejection comes it is a painful reminder that I'm an outsider who's not worth much in the eyes of others. Now I kind of just tank the blows life constantly throws at me and hope one day when my withered body can't take it anymore ill be gone:/ it seems to me that society only favors those the deem worthy for ex. Attractive, wealthy, intelligent, or "normal" looking people. For others who are on the other spectrum like me we're screwed. I hope you don't feel alone because somewhere out there another brother is hurting the same take care!
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