First of all I would like to wish you all a happy New Year. I am writing today because it was my intention to get back to work today after a 9 month absence, I am currently a School Supply Teacher of Mathematics.
Yesterday I carried out a trial run of awakening early and was up at 6.30 a.m. I got showered and dressed and had a small breakfast. I felt quite proud of myself for having successfully completed the trial run. I did not actually leave home, but just wanted to make sure that I could get up and ready on time to await the call from the Teaching Agency.
However I was completely unable to sleep last night and in my frustration I had to notify the Agency early this morning that I was unavailable for work today. I was feeling really tired and frustrated.
Now I am feeling quite deflated and defeated and all the negative feelings of failure are coming to the surface. I thought after yesterday's success that I would be able to make today a success. I am feeling so disappointed and now telling myself that I should have just got up irrespective of not sleeping and just made myself available. After all I only had today to complete the task as I informed the Agency that I was only available on Thursday of this week
Has anyone had a similar experience that they can share as I am now feeling certain that my anxiety and depression will never enable me to be a functional and useful teacher again. I am also feeling very angry and resentful and comparing myself to all the well and able people I know who are just able to get on with their lives. This was an ideal opportunity and I wasted it. The school half term begins tomorrow. In the final analysis I am feeling like a failure .
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Gimel
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Howdy Gimel, I am sorry that you are struggling. Are you just going to be working part time now? I went back and read and it looks like you had retired? I think that there is a nice thing with daily exposure where you are getting up and going to work every day and getting over some anxiety and thus getting exposure therapy. I really encourage you to have self-compassion, it will be tough to go back after a long time away. A lot has changed in your life. I would also encourage you to work on realizing that your worth cannot be changed by doing or not doing anything, we all have worth and we cannot change that. That has been wonderful for me to learn. It is easier to apply to others first, I hope that if you had a friend you would validate their feelings and encourage them.
I have a hard time where I set a goal to work on school and if I don't follow through I feel really crappy. Same with exercising or working on a project at work... I am finally getting better at sitting in the anxiety that all of this brings, and maybe I don't do the thing I had planned, but I can sit and not withdraw and use avoidant behaviors. We can accept that it is hard, that we are anxious, that we don't love where we are at the moment. It is okay. Perhaps you can work on getting up two or three times a week at that time and even go so far as commute somewhere? I don't know, just a thought.
I wish you peace, hope, and strength on your journey.☮️
I do appreciate you responding and thanks for the encouragement. Yes I have officially retired but was very unprepared for the change in lifestyle and routine, and so going on Supply was a means of giving some meaning and purpose to my daily life,
Unfortunately I have only ever focused on academia and teaching so I did not really develop many outside interests; although I do seem to enjoy writing and music but neither of those seem to imbue me with the sense of validation which I get from teaching.
With the onset of anxiety and depression which has stemmed from having gone through a period of bereavement following the passing of my brother along with other existential crisis, I found myself being bored each day and not really knowing what to do with myself. What makes it even more frustrating is that last year this time I was very much outgoing and vibrant and totally free of any social anxieties. I could simply get up and go.
Now just going to the shops can be a very challenging event where it can take quite a long time to force myself to get out to experience the 'exposure therapy' you mentioned in your reply. Getting back out to school was one way that would enable me to get that exposure and return some sense of meaning, purpose and social validation that I appear to need.
I am pleased to hear that you are finally getting better at sitting in the anxiety , and even if you don't do the thing you had planned, you can sit and not withdraw and use avoidant behaviours
Your suggestion on getting up two or three times a week at that time and even going for a commute somewhere is a valid one, and I will definitely consider it
"Unfortunately I have only ever focused on academia and teaching so I did not really develop many outside interests; although I do seem to enjoy writing and music but neither of those seem to imbue me with the sense of validation which I get from teaching"
I think that is an okay way to feel now, but I think that you may benefit from challenging and exploring this belief that makes it so. I am glad that I can get to places where having fun can be a purpose for me and make me feel validate. I think that especially if you can retire fun is something I would hohpe you can find validating, or rewarding. I think the ability to have fun is something great to give to humanity as well. Barring that perhaps a volunteer position or something. Sorry for the prodding, I am trying to channel what my therapist would say 😁
You are right not to go in on no sleep. Don't let depressive thoughts bring you down. We fight an awful disease. Listening to some self compassion meditation might help, I like the free Insight timer but prob some on YouTube. I know how easy it is to get in that self-deprecating loop. We've all had days like you have. All you can do now is try again. And not focus on the past. I know it's difficult. Take care of yourself.
Thank you very much for your reply and I appreciate your comments. Today was a great disappointment for me but I hear what you say about getting in that 'self-depreciating loop' which I had started to engage in.
I am trying my best to not let the depressive thoughts get me down as you suggested and I have attempted to listen to and watch some uplifting Youtube presentations. Knowing that you can empathise with my situation is helpful and like you said all I can do is try again.
Comparing myself as I am now, to how I was in the past, is something that I find difficult to do, as it was only a few months ago that I was a very outgoing and vibrant person free of any depression or anxiety
Thank you again for your comments and take care of yourself too
hello gimel i have been in many situations like this my anxiety gets the better of me so i never follow through with any of my plans appointments i say i will do it because i will feel worse if i let people down its always a battle do i do something i dont want to do at the time even though it will benefit me or do i let them depressive thoughts win and hide away from the appointment or being social with family or friends sometimes i just go for the easy option even if its not the best option, but try not worry so much about it trust me it happens to the best of us
Thank you very much for your reply and it sure helps to know that someone else can relate to how I am feeling. Like you I do find that the anxiety can be quite debilitating and I have had to cancel plans and appointments because of it.
Letting people down or not being able to do what you want at the spur of the moment, can be quite disappointing and make you feel worse; today's event is a fitting example of that.
I will try not to worry as you suggest, and I acknowledge that it does happen to the best of us.
Be of good courage and continue to challenge those depressive thoughts
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