Feeling unfulfilled and empty

[trailmixup]

Yesterday I went to a work dinner and I left feeling worse than ever. I listened to my coworkers talk about their kids and their excited anticipation for Christmas. The people I work with are all very nice, good responsible parents. Yet I compare myself to them, which I know is self-sabotage, but I can't avoid it: start to cry and feel sorry for myself (once I get home the tears happen, not during the dinner thankfully). I'm 47 and never had kids, so I feel like I missed out on so much. I wonder what's wrong with me? I mean, I know what's wrong: depression, social anxiety, former alcoholic....but I get upset because no man ever wanted to marry me or have a proper life with kids and such. Guys liked to party with me but never wanted to commit. I even had one guy tell me I wasn't marriage material. While most people were starting families and watching their children grow up, I was out drinking like an idiot. Somehow 10 years went by in a flash and I finally stopped drinking. But I still feel like a total failure!! I know my parents would have adored grandkids, so I ruined that source of joy for them. Anyway, I get home from the stupid work dinner and open the mail. There's a card with an adorable picture of my cousin's little boy, looking so cute in his Christmas sweater, and I burst into tears. I tried to go to bed early but I couldn't sleep. Then I woke up and seriously ate half of an apple pie (half!), fell asleep on the couch until 1 am. Now I'm trying to work today but I can't get rid of this yucky feeling of immense sadness. I've been on antidepressant medications for years, but they only seem to help a little bit. Oh, and if one more person tells me "find a hobby"......ugh!!!! Like a hobby is suddenly going to make me happy???!!! Thanks for reading this rambling and pathetic post. So uplifting right before Christmas! (sarcasm of course)

[Agora1]

You know trailmixup, getting married, having children and the house with the

"white picket fence" does not make one fulfilled or happy.

It's a part of the Hallmark dream that tends to rise at this time of year.

We are all put on this earth for a reason and that reason is to experince

and learn from life.

Be what you were meant to be. Don't envy the "grass always being greener". Who

knows what other's lives are really like.

We must live our lives for ourselves and not our parents. They love you no matter what.

Thank you for your enlightening post (not pathetic in the least). Congratulations on

stopping drinking. '

I hear you regarding "get a hobby" like that is the magic wand. Happiness is within you

and once you feel it, you will realize that Life isn't so bad, actually it's quite Amazing.

*as you are.,.... xx

[trailmixup in reply to Agora1]

Thank you so much! This really helps to put everything into perspective, especially the important reminder that we must live our lives for ourselves and not our parents. I do have tons to be grateful for and I need to remind myself this daily. Happiness definitely comes from within. I also read somewhere: "the grass is greener where you water it" which is incredibly true. Anyway, I appreciate your support and hope you're having a great day.

[hypercat54]

Only half the pie? I would have eaten all of it! I am not mocking you as though I am older than you I never had kids either and I get exactly where you are coming from.

I know that feeling of loneliness and emptiness much too well.

Not going to say any more as your post isn't locked to the community and I don't want my personal info to appear anywhere on the net.

[CKrissie]

I hope you manage to get through the holidays. OK. My son is in a relationship where they decided not to have children. Her decision and he loves her, they got a dog. I’m not sure how this will affect him or her really in the future, but I do know that for people with kids there’s a lot of regrets as well, so many mistakes, much guilt that goes along with parenting. There is no guarantees of a happy family even with children. My sister’s daughter hasn’t spoken to her since 2012. And I know lots of people like that my husband his son has not been in his life since he was 19 years old, he is now 36. Think the other side always looks greener, people present it that way not telling you of all the difficulties they’re having or the stress and many times feeling like a failure as a parent. You are probably aware of all these things so I hope you find ways to just embrace your life, the choices you made . And possibly fill those empty spaces with something that could maybe compensate for what you feel like you lack. It’s funny how we are so good at giving advice to others, but have a hard time arriving at it for ourselves. I wish you a good day as best can be

[trailmixup in reply to CKrissie]

Thanks! I tend to forget about the struggles and regret that comes along with parenting. Nobody has a perfect life, that's for sure! I need to work on embracing all the good things I have going on instead of dwelling on the negative. I hope you're having a good day too!

[mizzou7016]

ok.....there is nothing wrong with you....I'm 53....married once...divorced once....no kids to carry on my name.....but do you know what?? I'm still alive...I'm still a good person....your life is they way it is supposed to be right now..you can do it

[bonkers65]

I'm 70 and I never had children either, so I know how you feel. But when I start thinking like this I remember some friends who had children and their children caused them a lot of heart ache and suffering. Don't mean to be so negative. I'm just saying ????