There are some days where I feel on top of the world. I feel motivated and ready to take one more step towards my dreams in this life. And then there are days, like today, where I think “What’s the point?” The world is too dark now to dream, and too much time has passed for you. You’ve wasted too much of it. I would rather stay in bed, away from reality and live the life I have in my head. But I know that I’m only running from myself, which is never good. I can’t seem to stop living vicariously through strangers I see on a screen. I crave connection, and so I search rampantly for it through YouTube videos or apps. But I fear for it in real life (especially the romantic type). Today, I didn’t want to wake up. Snow has become suffocating to me now as an adult rather than exciting and playful as it did when I was a child. I can’t even look at it outside my window as it drifts down from the sky, closing me in with each drop of a snowflake. Nowadays, I want to run to someone who doesn’t exist. I want to hold someone who doesn’t exist. I want to cry for someone who doesn’t even exist. Am I pathetic? Yeah, probably. But that’s my confession. I am grateful for my life, my family, my home. But my heart has always longed for something that it knows is not attainable. And so it aches, especially during Winter, when it craves warmth the most. I have things that I want to do in this life, but it’s hard to get out of bed to do them. I only want to be 2 things in this life. An artist and an author. I’ve narrowed my goals down to those 2 instead of the long list of stuff I wanted to do years prior. This way it’s easier on my heart. And it should also be easier to not disappoint myself. But can I even do those 2 things right?
I hate winter.
I blame this on myself, but also Winter.
I hate Winter.
Written by
97Bunny11
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It sounds like you would write some good books! You were very descriptive about everything you wrote about above. I thought I could be reading one. You talked about living vicariously through strangers, I tell my few friends/coworkers who go out and do things that I’m vicariously living through them. So I feel you on that. I’ve been having so much trouble figuring out what I want to do with my life that it’s left me in limbo for 20 years know. Just kinda floating along. Not living just existing. Somewhere along the way I lost myself and am trying to find myself again and it’s been a journey. Wanting to make 2024 a year of living and not existing. It’s great that you narrowed it down to 2 but maybe you could be both an artist and an author! I also wanted to write when I was younger. So many short stories I wrote for school and for fun. Still have them, and would love to get back into writing.
Thanks for your comment yeah, we’re pretty similar in thoughts. I feel you on trying to live and not just exist. I wish you well on your journey to find yourself. I know it’s not an easy ride. But I think it’s nice to know that you aren’t alone in these types of struggles. I hope you do get back in to writing some day. I would love to read some of your work if you wanna share it. Sending peace your way 🙏
It definitely means a lot knowing you’re not alone in your struggles and you have a supportive community to reach out to when needed! Thank you for your kind words! 2024 is gonna be my year of living and not just existing! Letting go of my expectations of what I want to happen and having faith that they will happen it just might be in a totally different way!!
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