I get asked that a lot when I'm at the peak of my self-loathing and I never got it. It's not the same. The damage isn't personal. You don't hate your friend.
Let me counter that with another question. If that friend failed a year in school and was held back, so now they hate themselves for it, but somehow that is directly the cause of the same thing happening to you too, out of no fault of your own, the same damage was applied to you too, would you really be so merciful and kind then? Would you really just let it all go and comfort them anyway? If so, then you're a far better person than me honestly. I'm bitter and when I'm hurt that badly, I can't just "let it go". At best, I'd just cut contact but I can't really do that with myself now can I. I'm just stuck with myself forever.
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MiamiJacket84
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I would be empathetic to the question... would you say the same thing to someone else
I took this as would I be putting a friend down, like I would to myself" if they were struggling like I was
So would I negative talk someone else for flunking a class? No, I would give them all the support they needed and that's because I never received that
I would have blamed myself for failing because that's what I was taught. I was taught I was no good; I was not smart. The response I would have gotten from my mother would have been..... I knew you wouldn't make it. That critical voice would be beating me up if I failed a class
It's a hypothetical question. The point I'm trying to make is that it's easy for people to say that because the damage isn't directly inflicted on them. When you're nice to a friend who's struggling with self-loathing, you've never experienced the things they hate first hand, so it's a lot easier to be empathetic, they didn't hurt you, they hurt themselves.
Doing that with yourself is a lot more difficult because you caused that damage to yourself, you're the sole reason you're hurting, it's personal.
Why do so many of us focus on loathing, be it of ourselves or another? All this does is keep us knee deep in a dark and desolate mindset. Not sure I have the answer, even though I have known this darkness.
We are all capable of doing things that are destructive, things that can cause much pain, guilt and shame. There are times when we do this to our own selves, whether it be intentional or unintentional.
Have you ever been in a place where you have been loving, kind or generous to someone else, or more importantly, to yourself? Have you loved someone unconditionally and cried tears in a time of deep loss? If so, this means that you are worthy. You are a good person. You deserve empathy, sympathy and understanding.
Most of us are not all bad or all good, we are blended beings. Why then do we focus on only the bad? Why can we not focus on the good in ourselves and accept that we are not perfect? Where is the elusive forgiveness? All questions to ponder I suppose.
Perhaps try to cut contact with the part of yourself that you loathe and then direct your focus on embracing the part of yourself that you feel is worthy of love and nurturing.
Over time you may ease into the realization that the whole of you is deserving of mercy and kindness.
We are all splintered.
In the end, the answer to your question will have to come from within, I suspect.
I am sorry you are in such a tough spot MiamiJacket. I wouldn't be nearly as harsh to anyone else, in fact I'm the only "failure" 😜. What a crappy way to live. I learn more and more the self-love stuff that I don't like is necessary. I like to think of it more as self-acceptance, but either way. If we are not kind to ourselves how can we think anyone else ever would be? May you be kind to yourself.
I don't like going into my past and dredging up trauma because I don't feel it is something that I am going to involve my parents in resolving. BUT, going into my childhood and seeing why I do things certain ways and why I have such issues with work and money and looking for self-worth with accomplishment it makes sense why I am the way I am. A way that I find it easier to be kind to myself is to think of my 5 year old self. Man, I get emotional all the time thinking of him, if I could just be there for him and hold him and tell him that it is going to be okay and I have his back 😓🤗
I know that you have worth just existing being you. I know that you are worth being kind to because you are human. I wish you peace in your journey.☮️
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The one song you never want to be able to relate to 
When I Don't Have The Right Words To Say (a poem)
How would other people act in this situation? Not sure whether to ditch this friend.
Things took a turn for the worse
looking to make a friend
