"Would you say the same things to a friend struggling the same way?"

[MiamiJacket84]

I get asked that a lot when I'm at the peak of my self-loathing and I never got it. It's not the same. The damage isn't personal. You don't hate your friend.

Let me counter that with another question. If that friend failed a year in school and was held back, so now they hate themselves for it, but somehow that is directly the cause of the same thing happening to you too, out of no fault of your own, the same damage was applied to you too, would you really be so merciful and kind then? Would you really just let it all go and comfort them anyway? If so, then you're a far better person than me honestly. I'm bitter and when I'm hurt that badly, I can't just "let it go". At best, I'd just cut contact but I can't really do that with myself now can I. I'm just stuck with myself forever.

[Dolphin14]

Hi

Having been through what I've been through I would definitely be empathetic towards someone else

Our past effects everything we do until we do the work to take its power away.

🐬

[MiamiJacket84 in reply to Dolphin14]

Even if their actions directly caused your suffering?

[Dolphin14 in reply to MiamiJacket84]

Let me see if I have this right

I would be empathetic to the question... would you say the same thing to someone else

I took this as would I be putting a friend down, like I would to myself" if they were struggling like I was

So would I negative talk someone else for flunking a class? No, I would give them all the support they needed and that's because I never received that

I would have blamed myself for failing because that's what I was taught. I was taught I was no good; I was not smart. The response I would have gotten from my mother would have been..... I knew you wouldn't make it. That critical voice would be beating me up if I failed a class

[MiamiJacket84 in reply to Dolphin14]

I mean if that someone else caused you to fail as well, directly damaging you, would you still be empathetic?

[Dolphin14 in reply to MiamiJacket84]

I need to know how someone caused you to fail.

Can you explain that more

[MiamiJacket84 in reply to Dolphin14]

It's a hypothetical question. The point I'm trying to make is that it's easy for people to say that because the damage isn't directly inflicted on them. When you're nice to a friend who's struggling with self-loathing, you've never experienced the things they hate first hand, so it's a lot easier to be empathetic, they didn't hurt you, they hurt themselves.

Doing that with yourself is a lot more difficult because you caused that damage to yourself, you're the sole reason you're hurting, it's personal.

[Dolphin14 in reply to MiamiJacket84]

I think I get what you are saying

I'm not sure of your whole history but we have had many good talks here and I find them all very thought provoking and educational.

It's taken me years to make attempts at patting myself on the back for good work. It's easier to take myself down.

Things have happened in the past to set me up to respond this way.

I agree no one else walked in our individual shoes. We may have some similarities but we will never know the full story.

So, if you are asking why you beat yourself up? I get it. I've done it.

[LoveforAll41]

I am sorry you are in such a tough spot MiamiJacket. I wouldn't be nearly as harsh to anyone else, in fact I'm the only "failure" 😜. What a crappy way to live. I learn more and more the self-love stuff that I don't like is necessary. I like to think of it more as self-acceptance, but either way. If we are not kind to ourselves how can we think anyone else ever would be? May you be kind to yourself.

I don't like going into my past and dredging up trauma because I don't feel it is something that I am going to involve my parents in resolving. BUT, going into my childhood and seeing why I do things certain ways and why I have such issues with work and money and looking for self-worth with accomplishment it makes sense why I am the way I am. A way that I find it easier to be kind to myself is to think of my 5 year old self. Man, I get emotional all the time thinking of him, if I could just be there for him and hold him and tell him that it is going to be okay and I have his back 😓🤗

I know that you have worth just existing being you. I know that you are worth being kind to because you are human. I wish you peace in your journey.☮️