I can’t do it - I can’t do this life

[dee_bells]

I know I post here all the time but the last two days are hell. I’ve had a horrible headache for over 24 hours and I drove to a waterfront resort yesterday to relax.

At the last minute my husband said he had commitments. So it is just my older autistic sister who is mentally around 8 yrs old.

I get it she doesn’t get packing for a trip. And to insert here we both inherited money when my dad passed so I can travel.

I pay for the resort, dinner gas everything. After we got to the gas station I told her as she stood there as if I should pay for it. I had told her she needs to bring money.

She manages her money like a boss. She watches every penny even mine when I spend it.

Then I had a lightbulb moment, did you bring your debit card? NO. Um, your credit card? NO. My head almost exploded and I felt chest pain. I wanted to skip the trip and go straight to the psych ward.

Then I took her to the bank and she withdrew money. I know she doesn’t want me to be mad at her. I tried to talk to her on the 4 hour drive but nothing. I thought we could bond but I just want to leave. The view of the boats and water are beautiful.

Then I had a friend who used me, my life, my illness as the class project and had enough material for two semesters. Someone here told me to look at it positively. How? When I feel betrayed, stabbed in the back? I told her my personal pain. She is no longer my friend as of yesterday.

I can’t do this any more. I really don’t. My son contacts me every day and he lives in AZ and my home is in the Midwest. My daughter believes I’m a danger to my grandson and it irks me that I am still paying her cell bill and she lives with her fiancé who is a millionaire.

Please don’t criticize me or I might swim to the middle of this lake and just sink.

Am I crazy?? What is wrong with me?

[morenews]

Take a deep breath right now, you are not crazy, it is just too much on your plate right now. Let me hug you virtually, i am thinking of you, slow down in your thoughts, you will be better if not today, tomorrow. thinking of you...

[dee_bells in reply to morenews]

Thank you so much!

[Hidden]

You don't have a plate or platter it's a buffet. Do you do any thing special just for you? It seems to me you deserve it! Remember slow breaths in through your nose out through your mouth. Are you able to take your mind to a happy place? I'm here for you! Love & Hugs!!! XXX

[dee_bells in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I was wide awake at 5 am and it just hit me. I fell back to sleep but still have a headache. Trying the deep breathing. I’m at my happy place—the beach and the water and I can’t enjoy it.

[Hidden in reply to dee_bells]

Oh I am so so sorry! Are you seeing a Dr.? I wish you peace. Lots of love & big warm hugs!!! I'm here for you!!! XXX

[dee_bells in reply to Hidden]

I am seeing a dr and a therapist. Thank you, Anxiety _59!

[Hidden in reply to dee_bells]

Please hang in there & know I'm here for you ....sending positive energy your way! Love & Hugs!!! XXX

[dee_bells in reply to Hidden]

Thank you-you’re so kind. 😁

[Hidden in reply to dee_bells]

It's my pleasure to try to help you!!!! No need to thank me!!! Love & Hugs!!!

[dee_bells in reply to Hidden]

I just woke up and am feeling neurotic. I know it’s due to my borderline personality disorder. I feel betrayed not by my friend but by my husband and daughter. She’s 26, living with her fiancé, who is a millionaire, living in a mansion (no kidding on this one) and her disabled mother who is on disability, ME is paying her cell phone bill. My crazy thoughts are telling me to just have it shut off and when I contact her by text, she never answers. So then I call her—and we just talk about normal stuff then I ask “why don’t you answer my texts?” Again to her—Please don’t tell me you read it and then forget (this is her “normal”). Then she said “I don’t know”. It hurts so much. The pain is gut-wrenching.

She has my only grandson, who I don’t see or talk to that often. He did come over last week because my husband picked Zachary up along with my sister-in-laws granddaughter and they went swimming in the pool. I helped, Maya with changing into her swimsuit, etc. She’s 9. Zachary had a good time playing with another smaller person. I can tell he craves friendship and attention from kids his own age. He’s soooooo outgoing and my daughter is not. If he was with me we’d go to the children’s museum, somewhere with kids. I just sit and watch this outgoing, bright little boy missing out on finding things to expand his mind. My kids were in swim lessons at 3, dance, karate etc. thanks for reading my rant. 😔😔😔

[Hidden in reply to dee_bells]

Well if it were me I would stop paying her phone bill...she's old enough to do that on her own! I get your pain...it cuts deep..my 18 year old grandson iI saw once through the nursery window when he was born...that was the last time! My other grandson is 6 ..it's been 2 years...I don't have the answers....I know it's not us though! I'm here for you...please don't thank me...I love helping people...if I'm doing that for you..I sure hope so! Love & Hugs!!! XXX

[dee_bells in reply to Hidden]

Oh my gosh, that’s awful not seeing your grandkids is horrible. I don’t know if I could handle it. Sending a big bear hug to you. I appreciate you sharing. I often wonder why had this child. I smack my head and I told my husband why didn’t i stay in the low income housing I had before marrying him and live with my 8 year old son?

How should I tell my daughter, no more paying for her phone? Oh, she has a princess mentality and her fiancé perpetuates that, he drops thousands of dollars into her bank account and drives a really expensive car and she doesn’t work! At her age, I was a struggling single mother with a son, low income housing and drove a ten yr old car that broke down every week. You’re so good to me. Hugs and love to you. 😁

[Hidden in reply to dee_bells]

You stay strong...stand your ground & say I'm done paying your phone bill...they have to grow up at some point like we did. My eldest , who lives with us..I call the King!!! Love & Hugs!!! XXX

[dee_bells in reply to Hidden]

I’m going to do it and then I’m going for a swim in the lake with a life jacket. Safety first. 😉. You’re awesome! Hugs & ❤️

[Hidden in reply to dee_bells]

No I'm not ...just your average lady!!!! I do have a lot of love & compassion for everyone...shouldn't we all???? Love & Hugs!!!

[dee_bells in reply to Hidden]

Yes. So true. And you are awesome. My sister and I have been at the lake for a week. We go home tomorrow and it has been very trying. Not as relaxing as I thought. She’s like a child and I have to remind her to do basic care. <sigh>

Oh and I called my cell phone provider and then I spoke to my daughter and she is taking responsibility for her phone and service. So happy.

[Hidden in reply to dee_bells]

There you go...one thing less you have to deal with now!!! Good for you!!! It's awesome that you take care of your sister even though it is very trying...shows what a good person you are...now tell yourself that one! Have a beautiful day my friend!!! XXX

[Lyn842]

Oh dear. I am so sorry you're so stressed. You have good cause. A lots going on and none of it good, except the beautiful water and boats. As for your friend, ARRGGG! I'd want to wring her neck too! I can understand how that upsets you. You know the serenity prayer, God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference. You can't change a lot of what's going on. Pray for serenity. Breathe in the air and the beauty around you, listen to the birds, try to calm yourself down, put some music on. If your sister won't talk to you, enjoy the quiet and let her be angry. It will hurt her more than you. Let her make the first move. You stay calm and act like nothing happened. That will either infuriate her or she will calm down and forgive what she perceives you did wrong. (but is was her who did wrong, not you)

[dee_bells in reply to Lyn842]

We’re doing ok right now. She’s child-like and it’s hard when I see an adult person. I never knew my sister was like this as I moved out at 18, married, went on with my life and then mom became ill and I was around them both for hours. My mom denied that Debbie was different but I had my sister diagnosed before my mom passed away. I appreciate the advice!

[Lyn842]

It was suppose to be courage to change the things I CAN. Sorry.

[dee_bells in reply to Lyn842]

I love the serenity prayer. A good reminder to me. Thanks again.