Pain has grown

[Starrlight]

Today, my pain has grown so that the me I need to be is suffocated and I am lost and just want to die. The feelings are so strong, scary. I have people I love who rely on me. I feel I have very little right now to give and my best seems not good enough at all and I hate myself. I know I should love myself. At least I can love others. How am I so bad that I can’t love myself? What terrible thing am I? I am in too much pain to just keep moving. I usually pick myself up but today I’ll just wait because I just can’t. I am thinking no one can help me and I don’t know how to help myself from this spot.

[kenster1]

star like most things in life we have to learn first even to love ourselves.it wont come overnight but it grows on us with belief that we are worthy of love even in ourselves.your a good person that's assured don't be to hard on yourself.

[Starrlight in reply to kenster1]

❤️

[Celtic27]

Hi starlight sorry to see you so down please if you are having dark thoughts please go to your doctor as soon as you can! In reading your post it sounded as if your asking for help as I've already said first step is your doctor you've got so much to live for as you've said so your self! Please take care best wishes david

[Starrlight in reply to Celtic27]

Thanks so much David. My doctor can’t help me with this I don’t believe. I don’t want a med change. I just want to love myself and he can’t make that happen.

[Celtic27 in reply to Starrlight]

First love your self before anyone else then everything else will fall into place God bless you 🙏

[Starrlight in reply to Celtic27]

How does one love themselves? I think maybe try forgiveness, easing up on myself, that’s all I can think of. God bless you.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Starrlight]

Star, I really don’t know if this will help (or even make sense), but my process was very hard and took quite a long time, but it worked for me.

First I had to get to know who I really was (deep honest look at personality assets and liabilities). Then I had to accept (and forgive) who I was. Then I learned to like who I was. Then I grew to love who I am.

During this process I talked to God and another (trusted) human being. Could be a therapist, clergy, friend who you trust with your honesty about what you discover.

Journaling helped, too. I found it was easier to admit my character traits (positive and negative) to another person after I spit them out of my head and heart onto paper.

I found out I am a worthwhile human being - warts and all. God doesn’t make junk.

Anyway, like I said, I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it was the process that enabled me to think I was worth self love.

Even during my breakdown, I knew I was okay the way I was. Suffering horribly, but without near as much of the self flagellation I used to practice.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly. I can identify. Hugs. Lynne.

[Starrlight in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Makes sense and I think it’s awesome that you accomplished it.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks. But it doesn’t mean I love myself 24/7. I do some pretty stupid stuff, and have faults I don’t like to admit. And I’m certainly not throwing kisses to myself in the mirror. I just believe self acceptance is the key. You can get there. You’re a Star.

[Starrlight in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

😊

[Kat63]

You are not bad or a “terrible thing.” The fact that you can love others shows that.

If you need to get some particular thing done, try breaking it down into small pieces, and tackling just one step at a time.

[Starrlight in reply to Kat63]

True. Thanks Kat. I am letting myself sink for now. It’s too hard with no energy just enough to take my kids to the pumpkin patch. Then it’s resting and letting things slide until a better day comes to do the harder things. How are you?

[Kat63 in reply to Starrlight]

I’m doing better than I was.

[Nom-D-Ploom]

I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I think self-love is initially a foreign concept. We are hard-wired to think of others first. That is not a bad thing and is really what true self-love is. When we help another person we are re-enforcing the normalcy of helping others. Ideally, this would result in a population where you can help one person at a time, but at that same time, there are dozens who would be willing to help you.

So caring for others is a way to care for yourself.

So if you can show self-love in this way, maybe you will be able to re-gain more self-care as you proceed through the healing process?

At any rate, there are dozens of people here who want to help you. If no more than prayers and hope.

[Starrlight in reply to Nom-D-Ploom]

That writing is absolutely beautiful!i will remember this to get by with. I believe what you say. Thank you soooooo!

[Nom-D-Ploom in reply to Starrlight]

Hugs sent!

[Hidden]

If you can’t pick yourself up you have people who love you who will, and you have us. Self love is extremely important I know you give everyone your best yet you keep forgetting about yourself. You matter too

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

I needed to hear that. Thanks, Love, i am trying to take of me, maybe I’ll get good at it. 😉

P.s. hope you are well

[NeuronerdDoaty]

I’m so sorry this day is being hard to get along with. There’s nothing wrong with you. Some days just don’t know their place. They don’t realize we rule and they get ahead of us. You will live to rule another day Warrior!⚔️

[Starrlight in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Awww so cool of you to say! Thanks fellow warrior! ⚔️

[lillyofthevalley37]

I don't believe you have to love yourself I believe that you should love God and Jesus and through this love you accept yourself

So don't worry about not loving yourself I don't love myself it's a nonsense and seems totally ridiculous to try to learn how to love yourself

Having said that you have to be a friend to yourself and look after yourself

[Starrlight in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

I hear ya ... but I want to love myself, sounds nice 😆

[Hidden]

I have trouble loving myself too. For me it comes from family and a past husband who never loved me and said I was worthless. It's hard to ever forget that.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

(((((((((( ❤️))))))))))

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you. ❤️

[hypercat54]

Rather than concentrating on where you think you are failing, try praising yourself for things you do right ie looking after your kids and shopping, cooking them meals etc. This is how you start changing your mindset from negative to positive.

Recognise you are not perfect coz no one is and you are doing your best. Even if your best is crap that's fine coz no can expect more from you least of all you! When you understand how amazing you are that is the beginning of learning to love yourself x

[Starrlight in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks so much Hypercat. This puts things in perspective.

[pink83737]

Hi starlight, there are people out there who can help you, you could maybe see a therapist. I go to one and it’s pretty helpful. I think many of the struggles that we face to happen because there is a greater purpose behind it. God doesn’t cause the chaos or pain, but it still exists because this world is broken, even then, in life specific people will experience specific struggles because He knows it’s going to A.) Strengthen them B.) use them later to help others. C.) Show them the goodness through it. I mean how many times have you gone through something difficult and at some point isn’ the future another person cries out for help. And God is able to use YOU to provide wisdom and light to them? There is something so comforting about being in the company of. someone who has seen the same trials as you, and gotten through it. The struggle may be real, but God uses all things for good. You may not realize it now but He is doing a powerful work in you as we speak! I never felt good enough nor do I love myself but i am trying and that’s all i can do right now...please don’t beat yourself up over how you’re feeling. You are human! we all go through struggles it’s a part of life. Hang in there, you will be okay.

[Starrlight in reply to pink83737]

Ok hanging in there and best to you, beautiful!

[pink83737 in reply to Starrlight]

hugs xx

[Starrlight in reply to pink83737]

❤️

[Coloradowalker]

I hope you are feeling better today, Starrlight. It’s important to remind yourself that “this too shall pass” no matter how awful it feels in the moment. Easier said that done, I know. Thinking of you

[Starrlight in reply to Coloradowalker]

I wanted to reach out again today but wasn’t sure what to say plus feeling I write here so much ... feeling heavy...so your kind message is very helpful to me. Thank you. How are you?

[Coloradowalker in reply to Starrlight]

Honestly.... It’s been a shitty couple of months. Started Celexa 4 weeks ago and a little Ambien for sleep. Like many folks on this site, I have health anxiety and it’s taken me this long to get to a therapeutic dose of Celexa. Damn side effects!!! Recently sent my oldest to college and resigned from a job that was untenable. Started a new job in an Emergency Department last week and love it but exhausting so much energy showing others that I am capable and don’t struggle with this nasty thing called anxiety. Appetite sucks and sleep is dismal. Trying not to let my husband and kids see what a struggle it is. Spend a lot of time on my deck looking at the mountains, wondering when I will truly enjoy my life again. I’ve been through this before and know that it gets better. Just have to keep reminding myself of it. Nice to be in the company of others who understand this plight. It was lonely there for awhile❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Coloradowalker]

((((((((((((Hug)))))))))) I think you are amazing. I’m sorry that you struggle so but your light shines through incredibly.

[Starrlight in reply to Coloradowalker]

Is Celexa helping do you think?

[Coloradowalker in reply to Starrlight]

I’ve taken Celexa before and it helped. Prozac and Zoloft were too activating. Paxil didn’t seem to help. I’m sure I would find some reason for Wellbutrin and Effexor and the other new ones to not work. I do think it has helped to ward off depression through this process. Everything feels brighter and clearer. I’m sure benzodiazepines would help me feel better faster but I worry about getting addicted. I already enjoy a vodka tonic each night and know that that would not be a good combo. What are you doing for treatment?

[Starrlight in reply to Coloradowalker]

Taking Zyprexa, lithium, (I have bipolar 1) and as needed propranolol and an antihistamine (I forget the name. )

For me Paxil helped with depression but I was gaining a lot of weight quickly. I’m not happy. I’m anxious and scared all the time. It seems like I’m missing out and my life running away from me and I’m empty. I’ve been on benzos yup have to be careful with those.

[Coloradowalker in reply to Starrlight]

The propranolol can help with racing heart, shaking, etc... but the hydroxyzine (antihistamine) didn’t seem to help me much. So frustrating. Is your current regimen helping? I understand that there are newer mood stabilizers out there. Just takes a lot of patience and time. ❤️ hang in there

[Starrlight in reply to Coloradowalker]

Yeah I also feel the hydroxyzine doesn’t seem to help me either. Oh I take passionflower and I feel sometimes it helps a little. I am so tired of trying so I’m just floating with what I’ve got for now. Not in a great place but could be worse ya know?

[meraki]

Sending you love and light.

[Starrlight in reply to meraki]

Love ❤️ and light 🌟 to you too, beautiful