Down the rabbit hole, again...

[gilded_masquerade]

I'm feeling disappointed & ashamed...

I was supposed to go out for supper with my family tonight, it's one of the bar/restaurants. I go often with friends and out for a meal with my family often but today I couldn't muster the strength to do it, and I feel like I'm letting them down...

I haven't gone out and done stuff with my family for a while now which I'm ashamed of...

Last night I had a pretty bad depression episode which lasted through today (even as I'm typing this) so now I'm more sad.

I'm feeling defeated, days like today I wonder if I am making any progress or not and if there's even a point to continue fighting...

*I am NOT doing anything harmful towards myself nor will I do anything stupid, it's just feelings*

Days like today make me question if I'm ever going to get past fears and get out of my head...

[Hidden]

would it have helped you if you had of gone out with your family?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Great question! I find that it does help to do out and do “normal” things yet as someone with depression and anxiety I often don’t feel up to it either. The times I have actually gone out I realized I feel much better

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I wonder if its the same for everyone.

[gogogirl in reply to Hidden]

What's normal? Lots of people experience depression and anxiety- there is no sign on your head- it's that not all people talk or post about it.

[bonkers65 in reply to gogogirl]

The invisible disease

[gilded_masquerade]

My problem is that I overthink before I even go out, so I work myself up.

Depending on the situation it'll either be so bad that I leave or after dealing with it I'll feel better afterwards.

I felt like I should've gone, because if I did "freak out" at least my family would be there to help, but after last night I just couldn't summon the courage...

[Hidden]

Cant you ask a family member to help you just before you do go out with them?

[bonkers65]

I literally have to force myself to do things like that. Or do anything really. But then I feel like I have accomplished something.

[gilded_masquerade]

They most likely would be I always feel ashamed or like I'm bothering them...they do what they can but with how mine can get it's probably something I have to deal with myself...

And I hear you, most times I need a push but then once I do it it'll feel like "I can conquer the world", I don't know, silly I guess...

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

So how do you deal with it yourself?

[hypercat54]

Hi don't be ashamed please as it's not your fault and I am sure you are trying your best. Would you still feel like this if you had a physical illness which prevented you from going? All you can do is keep on trying and never give up. x

[gilded_masquerade]

Depending on how bad the episode is I can talk myself down or brush it off but sometimes it really hard when bad thoughts pop into my head incessantly...depends

And thank you, I suppose I wouldn't if it were a physical illness. I just think sometimes it's hard because not everyone understands, you know?

[Hidden]

Chalk it up as a recovery day. Everyone needs time to themselves. Don’t let this one time discourage you. Their will be more times to go out with your family.

[Florida1959]

That’s a shame, I find I have to push through the barriers sometimes, make myself do things I don’t want to do, it’s a great accomplishment when I do, even simple things others find mundane can be our worst challenges, don’t give up, sometimes one on one time is better, bars etc can make me feel more anxious, like I am “performing” almost, good luck, try it again, x

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Florida1959]

Yes, I feel incompetent some days when I can't do mundane things. It's funny, a few years ago I could literally do anything I can't now and then some, I feel like a big wuss now. Restaurants and movie theatres are hard for me, but I've gone to the bar a few times with my boyfriend and some friends, they look out for me in case I can't deal. Hell, I can hardly sit in a Tim Hortons anymore...

[Sonneblomme]

I know hiw you feel. Also cried for no apparent reason yesterday. And only my 10 year old was home - hubby was working. And now I am stressing out my child who is trying to comfort me. So tired of this. Really. Just stop! How do I make it stop?

[Hidden in reply to Sonneblomme]

Go do things with your child, paint or play with something, don't sit and try to let it pass, go fill your day with doing things, keep your mind thinking positive!

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Sonneblomme]

I hear you, my younger brother has autism and he had an interviewe last Wednesday and I was so anxious (not sure why) to the point that I started crying on the way to his interview. With him, I feel like I have to have my (pardon my French) shit together or that I should be strong for him, but sometimes it's not that easy. Half way there (his interview was literally down the street, pathetic huh?) I felt better and managed, shortly after my boyfriend showed up to make sure I was okay. It's okay to not have your shit together all the time, no one is perfect and the word perfect alone shouldn't exist. You're doing your best and that's all that matters. If you can't find a hobby to do to distract yourself try a warm/hot bath or shower, the smell of lavender helps relax me (maybe it could for you?) or as lame as it sounds; try cleaning it keeps you plenty busy some days. Wishing you he best 😊

[gogogirl]

Your brother who has autism had a job interview? That's fantastic!!!