My mom has been affecting me

[Pizzapurple]

My mom has been affecting me mentally since childhood and she triggers my anxiety by criticism. She is quite attached to me but I feel suffocated with her. My dad passed away 10 years ago. She doesn't talk to people much doesn't like going out very stubborn and just sticks to her spiritual routine. She has recently just recovered from depression and bad health where she had anemia. She doesn't like if I meet my friends often. She wants us to settle at a place she likes. She even said she wants to stay with me and husband in the future. And if I don't let her she starts crying and says she'll just die. I really don't want her to control me like this. How do I control my anxiety after getting triggered? How do I convince her that I need my space after a while of growing up and that she needs to be an independent adult.

[Hidden]

Hello how old is your mum, I tried living with mine some do but it doesn't work, you need your own space, I would just stick to your guns and say no it could wreck your relationship with your husband for one thing and your mother's, she will just become more dependant on you, can you find her some friends a hobby class maby swimming or something set your boundaries with her and keep explaining you need your own life, you are not responsible for your mother she's a adult, I won't go in detail but it doesn't work I've had many people say this to me and I tried it anyway they were right I love my mother and we're like best friends but I felt kinda claustrophobic and kinda like a kid again we had our own sitting rooms on a night but that wasn't enough,now I have my own house again I had to be ferm and say I'll do what I want jobs when I want etc, she was widowed 19 years ago, her family mainly me is her life 🤗love your avatar how come you choose that name it's unusual,and what's your mum's spiritual routine

[Gillyflower18]

I know how you feel. I’ve been there and am still climbing out of that hole. You are still young and are wise to start working on it now. Please read a book called Running on Empty by Jonice Webb PhD. You will find it very enlightening and helpful like I did. There are many others like us out there you are not alone.

[LadyZen]

My parents were like this when I was in college. I grew up in an Asian household where this was customary. When I turned 18, I finally moved out without telling them because they wouldn't have let me if I asked. You do what you need to do, and let her figure out how to be an adult. It sounds harsh, but your mom is an adult, and you are her child. She figured out how to raise you, she can figure out how to raise herself. My parents and I have had some rough patches, but I'm 48 now, and they've learned to be independent and happy without me. We have a healthy parent/child relationship now.

[Turnipgirl in reply to LadyZen]

When I moved back in May I decided I wasn't going to tell my mother the whole story about getting evicted and just say I had moved when I was ready to do so which I did and she was extremely put out because she hadn't been consulted over it!

Point is I am 47 and an adult woman and don't have to tell anyone anything if I don't want to!

Every time I want to do things she puts me down and nowadays I laugh about it as there's nothing she can do except whine and complain as she can't come out and physically stop me from doing things I want can she?

A few weeks back she found out the truth that back in May I was evicted and had shouted at me for not having gone to her with problems and gave me a guilt trip and what I thought about the guilt trip is unprintable and decided I will live my life in the way I see fit and no way am I living it wrapped up in cotton wool to please her!

Thing is I would rather be filled with regret and wish I had never done things like I was last week when I went to that job interview last Wednesday afternoon where an extremely rude member of staff laughed in my face when I gave them my name saying I was there for interview and decided I would do the interview for experience but if the job was offered it would be a no thank you than cry with regret over not taking opportunities and wondering what might have been.

[LadyZen in reply to Turnipgirl]

Boundaries are important, even with parents.

[Turnipgirl]

I find with people like that where there's no sense there's no feeling myself!

How was your Christmas?

We had a nice peaceful one here!

[Turnipgirl]

Best thing to do is say yeah whatever and walk away when the bullying starts!

[Turnipgirl]

With us we are off out for a pub lunch on New year's day and new year's eve I think will be drinks at home and a cold buffet.

[Midori]

Sometimes, I wish my son would move out, but there's a problem. He is my carer, although sometimes I wonder who is the carer and who the cared for?

He has recently been diagnosed with diabetes, and has suddenly become very needy, yet makes no effort to help me around the house. I'm 75 with Fibromyalgia, CPTSD and the start of arthritis, which makes life B. Difficult.

We've had a couple of rows over Christmas, he's feeling hard donr by because he can't eat all the goodies (at least until we know what spikes the blood sugars). He hasn't been able to exercise for the last few days either, so he's extra grumpy!

Cheers, Midori