Something I've always had but has never been satisfied. I've never belonged anywhere. Not in school, not in college, not in family, not at home, nowhere. All I have are random online spaces with people I'll probably never even meet. I see people these days spending time with family, loved ones, friends, but what do I have? Just me, the person I hate the most on God's green earth. It is funny really, in a pathetic sort of way that is.
Despite not being religious, I sometimes wonder if fate is a real thing. Is it just my fate for things to be like this? Is my end already set? With the indifferent cruelty of the universe, why is it so bad to just not want to exist? None of us chose this. Why is making an actual choice considered so wrong?
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MiamiJacket84
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I believe a basic human need, if not the basic need, is to share, whether being included or belonging, by having contact with another member of the human family, in some capacity. I’m sorry you’ve never been satisfied with belonging in any of the settings in your life. I picture that being extremely lonely, being in a state where there isn’t anyone that notices and nobody cares. would you say this is an internal realization or has everyone you’ve known or met made you feel this way?
I’m not a good story teller but… years ago there was a book I read about a universal language everyone could use. it was a small movement and people considered the language for a slightly different purpose than it was originally intended. doctors thought it might help children with certain disabilities. it’s been a while, but here’s a summation of what I took away from a story of a young man that had cerebral palsy and was a bit of a bad case compared to the other patients. he couldn’t communicate. it wasn’t uncommon for everyone at the treatment center to board a bus and go on a field trip. our young man in this story was not included in the field trip due to his severe condition. time passes. using this language he started communicating every time the bus left without him. it took some time but they made the connection, whenever the bus left he would use the language prompts. finally they solved that when the bus left what he was saying was that he was ‘sad’. our young man learned just enough of this unorthodox language that the very first thing he wanted to share was about the field trip and that he wanted to be included and how sad it felt to be left out. didn’t occur to anyone he was even aware that he comprehended he was left behind or that it affected him. no clue.
It ended with the inclusion of the young man on the trips. I imagine the doctors and staff and specialists were all moved by this heart wrenching story of basic human needs.
Ur so wrong !!!! U belong here & here is a safe place where U can speak ur truth & be understood by virtually all of us as we too didn't think we belong or fit in some place & when we arrived in HU we found kindred spirits & none of us get here until the exact moment we are meant to be here, call it fate or like me call it the universe working its wonderous joy.
So U like me & many others belong here in HU & would U believe if I told U that what I typed to remind U of belonging was written at the exact time it was meant to be written.
That's not fate, that's the universe & I'm not religious but for me I can see & know & learn of the universe without taking it blindly.
Your not telling yourself the truth, you do belong you do have meaning. It just feels that way. If you took religion out and made it about a personal relationship, seeking it out, you will find what is true. If nothing else, He says you can always belong, your wanted, your loved, you will never be alone, and you do have purpose. It's just seeking that part out for yourself. Many hugs!
I think that I can understand your situation. I have very few friends at this time and that has been true most of my life. People like me, but I don’t like spending too much time with other people. As I get older, I feel a bit isolated. Some people are more outgoing than others, and some prefer to be by themselves.
As far as your thoughts about faith, I have to say that I don’t believe in fate, in the sense that you mean here. Things to happen by chance, and there is always a reason why something happens, but I do not believe that things are predetermined.
You mentioned that you hate yourself, and I think that that is a big part of the problem. You need some kind of help to feel better about yourself whether or not it leads to more interactions with other people.
Finally, if I understand your last paragraph, it sounds like you have been thinking about ending your life because you see the world as a cruel and hostile place. I actually have no problem with people taking their own lives, or being euthanized under the right conditions. Suicide has a social taboo in our culture, but there is nothing that actually makes it wrong. However, many times it is a mistake. It is a very final solution, and it would be unfortunate to end your life when there might be a better way for you to feel better.
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Desire & Realization
Things took a turn for the worse
What has become of me? 
Newbie looking for support 
"But still, I do it for the people around me- I don't want their memories of me to be of THIS... I want them to remember ME"
