How do you learn to accept help and yourself?

[UncomfortablelyNumb]

I recently let the flood gates open again. I told my family that I've been struggling with my mental health for a long time. Maybe 20+ years and this isn't the first time I've come forward but I never get past this point. I shut back down and repeat my self destruction process all over again. I've struggled with finding my way in life because of this. I've struggled holding down jobs, with relationships, and being the best father I can be because of this. I never wanted to be a burden to anyone so I always acted fine. Well, I became a burden while trying not to be. Sometimes it got to much and I would seek a little help but I never stuck with it. I contemplated suicide ten years ago. I checked myself in for a week and was on medication for 3-4 months. I stopped using it because I didn't feel I was worthy of the help. Ever since then I've tried to deal with it but my life and the lives of my loved ones have suffered because of it. Since I can remember I've never felt worthy of anything. Like, my life was too good for me. I've never felt like I was lovable. In general I don't like anything about myself. How do you accept help and accept yourself?

[kenster1]

Hi and welcome acceptance is the key word as you say if we accept the situation as it is and work on it then we stand a better chance of coming through the other side. if we don`t accept then we go through years of mental torture fighting a losing battle. everyone is worthy of help including you so get yourself some support closer to home and you now have support here.

[designguy]

Unfortunately being honest with our family sometimes doesn't provide us with the results we are looking for which is unconditional love, acceptance and support because the family members are unable or unwilling to provide it. Many of us were never taught or modeled how to love ourselves unconditionally and were even shamed or punished for showing any signs of being proud of ourselves or trying to stand up for ourselves as I was. You may have experienced some form of trauma or emotional trauma (c-ptsd) and/or emotional neglect (CEN). My guess from your statement that you "didn't feel I was worthy of the help" is that you experienced some or all of it. The solution is that we have to learn to be the loving, caring, compassionate parent to ourselves that we didn't have as a child.

You may benefit from finding a therapist that specializes in treating trauma/c-ptsd or one that specializes in treating childhood emotional neglect and attachment disorder and work with them and medication may help you temporarily. I also suggest you spend some time on youtube, there is a lot of good information and advice on there for free. You might check out Dr. Jonice Webb with CEN, another good one is Emma at Therapy in a nutshell. The more you learn and educate yourself and investigate and understand your childhood history the more it enables your healing.

[UncomfortablelyNumb in reply to designguy]

I just never felt I was justified in feeling the way I felt. I don't remember anyone ever telling me this. It was always me, telling myself that.

My family has been super supportive each time I've actually tried to deal with this but it was never enough for me. I feel guilt for that. I'm open to anything but my main problem is sticking with it. I've never felt worthy of the love or support everyone was offering. I never felt I was worthy to get better either so I purposely punish myself. It's been a never ending cycle for a long time now.

[designguy in reply to UncomfortablelyNumb]

I want to add that one of the things to ask yourself is what are you gaining by punishing yourself, what are you protecting and afraid of. It's definitely worth investigating it and dealing with it in order to heal.

[designguy]

The reality is that for whatever reason(s) you have formed beliefs about yourself that aren't true and more than likely are from unhealthy parenting you received in childhood. It's one of the last and harder things for us to admit because there support and unconditional love is all we sought and needed as a child. I thought my issues were primarily with my father but it took me years to admit and start to be realistic and understand how much of my issues were due to my mother. We are born as a clean slate and so our beliefs about ourself and others and the world are formed by our parents and family of origin and the conditions and environment we grew up in.

A good thing to do is to keep a diary and write down your thoughts throughout the day and especially pay attention to the ones that have the same theme and then start to investigate where and when you learned to believe them. A lot of us that think we had an ok childhood are really in denial about what really went on and what we really needed. Again, you will probably benefit from learning about Childhood Emotional Neglect and maybe working with a therapist who treats it.