Struggle being a 51 years adult

[Montana01]

My anxiety is out of control. My wife and I are not talking. I feel like I have always done something wrong. When we do talk, I am not acting like a 51 year old adult. All my wife is asking is for me to be my authentic self and to be a 51 year old adult. I am struggling and feel helpless.

[Kevo1]

Feels so like myself. I don't communicate with my partner much at all. I feel so distant to her regards my anxiety and thinking. I feel weak, yet I can't help it. So thoroughly get your situation. It's very difficult situation.

[DodgeDhanda in reply to Kevo1]

Sorry to butt in but U really need to talk to ur partner & explanation things of how ur feeling & why things are as they are & if needs be write it all down in a letter or something U can read to her as I bet she is feeling like it's something she's done but also if U tell her 1 of 2 things will happen, 1 she will understand & help U by supporting U as U learn to handle things or not.U do owe it to ur relationship & ur partner

[LoveforAll41]

I think that you can probably have some compassion for yourself Montana. I wish I had a degree, I have worked on one for years, and I still have years to go. My anxiety is around money and stuff related to money becomes like lifting the universe for me. I can see why I don't have a degree yet. It is understandable at least.

I would imagine that whatever you or your wife does not think is adult behavior has it's reasons. I would recommend notes or written word or couples therapy or whatever it takes to have good communication. I think that is key to relationships. I have a lot of learning to do before I feel like I am as capable as I would hope my age means...

I wish you peace, hope, self-understanding, and great communication.

[DodgeDhanda]

Hi M01.

Ok, this is a head scratcher & I'll explain why via a couple or 3000 questions.

Now usually do U do the adult thing that people do & are U miserable for it ?

Or have U been young at heart ? Preferred to watch cartoons over a RomCom or chicken flick ?

Which would U say is ur genuine self ?

I know every relationship we all have be it friends or lovers communication is top of the list & U should never let it break down.

U say ur struggling to be what ur wife wants U to be...... What do U want to be ?

Now I'm speaking from the point of I was once married & a brilliant father who raised his children when she walked out & I've tried to have other relationships but I was not being the person I wanted to be so was unhappy & finally decided to be single & work on my mental health & that is a full time job for me & it gives me the chance to do what I wanna do & I still watch Scooby Doo btw.

U need to communicate with ur wife ur struggling to be what she needs as ur nor feeling urself & U need to possibly talk to a therapist who can help U to be the U that U wish to be & when it comes to mental health there is no easy fix & it's not selfish to want to put ur mental health & getting better at coping with it first.

If U don't care about ur health why should anyone else. So the best way to help ur marriage is to first help ur mental health & as U understand more & find ways of dealing with episodes the better ur marriage will hopefully stay strong.

We live in a world where we now have Artificial Intelligence that can write a book & learns as it does YET we by we i mean they know nothing about curing what we suffer from.

So good luck from me &

Lastly

I wish U love & light on ur journey.

[Hidden]

My take …

Anxiety is an “internaliser”… it makes you focus on your inner body and thoughts… whilst it distances the external world and people nearest to you… it builds upon nothing.. and leaves you nothing in return.

This is self protection.. but becomes self serving… self limiting...in doing so pushes everything outside of you further away… especially your partner .. family.. friends…this is not meant to make you feel insignificant.. it is to make you see the bigger picture.

When we were younger .. the weight of the world was carried for us.. anxious adults revert to type as part of cocooning .. making a safe place or space… these behaviours are coping mechanisms learned in our times of stress… the only way forward .. is to build on the belief that anxiety will not kill you… but it will damage your relationships… to the point where you end up alone.

Learn to relax… learn to look outside of yourself… and understand how you fit into the world .. what you give to others and what you take from them.

Learn not to react to every little niggle… begin to start a new journey .. start daily walking or meditation… breathing exercises.. give something back to your partner .. leave little notes of appreciation… stop making yourself the centre of someone’s else’s universe…yes a few instructions to turn things around because right now… you are going down a path that is making you unhappy… which is affecting those you should be caring about.

To act your age.. really means behaving responsibly because you “do” have responsibilities.. things you need to take care of because that’s what adults do… do not rely on anyone else to get things done

Seek professional help and read or watch self motivational things to propel yourself forward.

Go forth with fortitude.. and be the man you are supposed to be… it is doable… you just got to want this more than what you have going on right now… how do I know this?

Because I lost my marriage and place in the world.. before I learned to lose my anxiety…

Yes life is difficult.. look around you.. no one is getting an easy ride…we are all doing the best we can… so decide to do your best…become independent so you can be dependable upon… you get to choose… or lose.

Did you think I was going to say something magical to put this all right for you?… all the answers you need.. are already inside you.. stop looking elsewhere.

Best wishes.

[DodgeDhanda in reply to Hidden]

Hi K.Ur so right with the way Uve broke it all down, I place all of those under the self sabotage umbrella.

We over think everything & find a way of not doing things.

I will say U can take care of ur responsibilities without putting on a serious head I've done it for years , however it has taken years for me to reach the me I'm happy to be.

Again great post & U've virtually drawn pictures of what's what.

Lastly

I wish U love & light on ur journey

[Mlp828 in reply to Hidden]

Great advice klikklok....I'm on that journey as well and couldn't agree more!

[catsrock]

Ugh, communication is so hard in relationships. Definitely struggle with this with my husband. We're looking for a marriage counselor currently and just hoping to find a good one. Just wanted you to know that I get what you're going through.

[Agora1]

Hi Montana01, What is a 51 y.o. man suppose to act like??

I don't think there are any fast and hard rules. The only thing

I wouldn't like is if someone walked away or shut me out when they

didn't want to talk about something. And that would put the blame

back on your wife. Adults talk things over...clear the air... xx