Hello anyone who is out there reading this, thanks for stopping by. I do not know what I am doing.
I am 38 years old. I have lived my life up until this point running from reality and living in a delusional bubble of my own construction, which has lead me to mostly withdraw from society. I am not sure really what to write here other than to share a little bit about my life’s story.
I think the first time I felt true anxiety about something, I allowed it to influence my life/decision making was when I was a kid, just before high school. I was playing baseball in little league and I developed a fear of being hit by the baseball when I was up to bat. I was never able to confront that fear and it just became the first thing amongst a list of many more things I began avoiding in life because I had never developed any tools to face my fear head on.
In High School, that anxiety introduced it’s friend to me - depression - and together the two were trouble makers in my life which lead to some disastrous results. My folks, trying to be supportive, sought solutions through pharmacology, but I ended up having some extreme adverse reactions to a few of them like Effexor - which induced rage-states that ultimately had me packed off to a juvenile psychiatric ward after the summer of my junior year to rapidly detox from that medication within a controlled environment (that is it’s own story). Coming out from that, I made what is probably my first significantly foolish decision that has affected the quality of my life up to this day. I chose to become severely mistrustful of Psychiatrists and had an aversion to taking “a pill”. Subsequently, because I was avoiding even thinking about seeking professional help with my mental health, I also (and sometimes still do) confused the medical side of things with “Psychologists” so I never sought any form of talk-therapy until I was well into my mid 30s.
In college, I moved away from my family and home for the first time and got addicted to online video games. While I maintained a relatively decent pool of in-person friends that I made on campus, I pre-dominantly began to withdraw from in-person activities more and more. Favoring the relatively “good” feelings I got from my online community and it rapidly became my preferred social space.
I have had my ups and downs with this struggle - I have had several mini-crisis’ over the years that have left me to self-reflect and inexpertly self-treat my own perceived issues. But I also had the financial support of my family through out my whole life so I never had to really push myself too far out of my comfort zone. I always “managed”. This has been a disastrous choice I made and now the bill has come due on that for me right now.
I am afraid that the world will only see me as a spoiled-lazy man-child who is getting what he deserves. That I must and need to suffer for my “sin of sloth”. And I am so afraid of experiencing pain and ridicule. And on top of that I hold onto this stupid toxic notion that as a man, I am not allowed to be seen as weak at any point, that I need to be a caretaker in society and I cannot be taken care of (not that there really is anyone who would be willing to take care of me - nor is that something that is healthy for me even if there were).
I have tried to develop some marketable skills that might lead me to some more comfortable jobs/careers (like Web Development) that could fit in line with my agoraphobia (which has been getting worse and worse over the years) but my lack of true self-motivation really has stunted my growth even in that field. Because I really just wanted to stay “safe” behind mom and dad. Well they are aging to the point of concern for me and on top of that they were well off but not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. I have been a huge financial burden to them through out my whole life.
The longest term job I’ve held is an eCommerce Production Manager for about 3 years starting from 2015 and ending 2018. Toward the end of 2017 my family and I lost our home to a wildfire, and stress from that compounded by my own “normal” issues lead me from leaving that job in a dramatic fashion, I had a bit of a break down. I began living exclusively off what fire insurance money (as well as money from a law-suit) and I could get from my folks, telling myself I was going to do something new. I didn’t do anything new. I hid. I buried myself so deep in my pain and managing my pain in the dysfunctional ways I knew how that I made very little progress in life.
That is until 2019 when I decided to get into programming, an interest I had held since high school. I took a Full-Stack Bootcamp and even made sure it was one with an actual class room instead of being online, and it felt GREAT. God, I remember singing to myself while driving to class every day. I was making meals for myself every day because I felt so capable and strong. I felt hopeful for my future until….classes ended. My structure removed. Facing the realities of transitioning from the class environment to one where I had to fight to get just get noticed hit me hard. I reach out to friends I had with in the software engineering world and they helped me line up some prospects and again I felt I had a fighting chance. Well we all know what happened after 2019. COVID time. I was crushed, I was already not the strongest candidate in the world and I really still delusional enough to think I could land a job and from the job I could keep learning what I needed to learn to succeed at that job, so when the “easy” stuff went away - I shut down completely. And I’ve been in that shut down state until now, my money is all but dried up - my folks can’t keep supporting me and I need to get out there and have a job again.
And now I am experiencing the greatest panic of my life. I keep looking for jobs that will let me hide in a back office or some similar space and do something I know how to do - or even what’s more delusional, find someone who will take responsibility for me and hold my hand through establishing myself at a job while they are doing their own job too. I am the worst.
I feel lost and facing an insurmountable sheer face wall. I am so afraid of taking hurts that I know everyone else has when it comes to growing in a work place. I am afraid of so many damn things that I am desparate. I have lived a loser’s life and let me tell you, I wish my 15 year old self could have seen what I became and he could have used that to become okay with getting hit by some more baseballs in life. That version of me I think would at the very least (I believe) be a little better adjusted.
God help me, I am exposed. If you made it this far, thank you for taking your time reading my ramblings. Again, I am not sure if this the right sort of thing to write about here. Perhaps this is just a feebly cry for attention and recognition. Trying to feel seen and have my existence acknowledged. God I am crying right now, I am such a weak man.
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GlowingDarkly
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I might respond with more later but I think it was important I responded soon. Bro, nobody deserves the hell that our minds put us through especially if we have and are trying. Majority including myself had moments that I felt were a complete waste of many years. It is normal and its very possible for life to take a 180 at any time. I think you should do something soon to give yourself a break from these thoughts. A window of time where you give yourself permission to forget about all that for some time. Can be 30 minutes or an hour but I think it would really help. I understand what you mean by the exposure, its pretty terrifying but those same moments can be what really change us and give new insight especially if youre not familiar with the vulnerability. You're trying man give yourself some credit
Thanks, I think you’re right. Right now, in this mental space I am in, I am really struggling to focus on giving myself that space. I feel constantly assaulted by unwanted and errant thoughts. I have been expirimenting with what little i know about meditation and so far I’ve found some limited success in taking the edge off my panic attacks.
But thank you again for replying to me here. I don’t want to be only a seeker of help but also hopefully a friendly ear to others too. So I hope to pay it forward in the future.
What works for me is a hot shower then after, doing something I like, like watching a movie I enjoy and relaxing. Anytime I have a relapse in thought I remind my mind what I am doing for that time. I do not know if everyone agrees but a strong belief I have is we cannot control our mind, but you can watch your mind. I say this because I relate with the insufferable noise that it creates so I try to run from it. For now focus on whats important in this moment and that to me seems like treating yourself
Hello. I am the first to respond but others will follow. We all want you to get well. I too am suffering from life regrets. We all are. Like me, you need to just put your foot out there. Bag groceries, work at Target..whatever. You need a small victory you can build upon, followed by another. The victories will give you confidence. I had to clean toilets and clean up vomit at a conference venue to make the ends meet. It sucked, but I survived it. You can too. Just find a small win and go from there. Please keep posting.
I think I’ve expending too much energy in my life trying to “skip having to clean toilets” phase of job growth that it scares me to acknowledge that a job like that could be good for me (and humbling too). But I appreciate what you are saying here, I hope to keep posting and find some small wins soon.
Welcome. I am glad you are here sharing. I am sorry you are experiencing the greatest panic of your life and also having to find a job. I hope you are able to find a job that is a good fit. You said you have lived a loser's life. I disagree. You have lived the life of someone with anxiety and depression. That does not make you a loser. You are not alone in your struggles. It is not your fault. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you will find comfort here knowing that you are not alone. Please keep us posted on your job search. I wish you the very best.
I agree with the poster who suggested "cleaning toilets." It doesn't have to be (and hopefully won't be) literally cleaning toilets. Any kind of job, including all entry level jobs, I think, would help you to feel better about yourself and would help you to put one foot on the ladder to recovery.
I find that writing to be a great source of comfort and journaling specifically about my feelings feels new to me. I tend to be a very sore nerve ending anytime I try to explore my pain and retreat back into avoidance habits. But I think writing all that has helped me (at least for the current moment) and seeing the replies I have gotten has been positive. Thank you for your reply and I am interested in any and all insights on the art of journaling.
I read your post and found you have insight about yourself which is helpful , and that insight also makes you want to take responsibility for your life . I am 20+years older than you and am at a v.important point and have tried hard to find what's the answer , I like people and I THINK I put too much value on other people's opinions . I developed a drink problem which stunts thinking, I have stopped 18 mths but sleep mood is still a problem, I have taken a fake it till you make it approach but also where I go for my sanity sake a community garden Or generally I talk about panic loneliness etc . I am on 2 antidepressants and find the recent one SNRI is making more problems but on the whole I think there is a place for tablets but they're not the whole answer. I used to go to AA and men who talk about there feelings are NOT weak. I want you and everyone to get where they want to .
Thank you for your words, I will take them to heart the best I can. Low self-esteem in my life has lead me to look outwardly for approval because I have a hard time trusting my own decision making process. While I feel incredibly overwhelmed by my own task of self-acceptance, hearing your words about having a community you can go to, to help alleviate sounds fantastic. Keep fighting the good fight and I will do the same.
It is okay to be weak sometimes, and weakness and vulnerability are not the same. It is often stronger to be vulnerable. I really relate to you, I haven't had much success in the material world and have many fears about ever working again. I want to go to school but an afraid I will realize I can't learn anymore. I am straggling behind in life, dependent on other people. I don't have much advice to give but to not give up on yourself. You still have potential and things can and probably will get better.
I want so badly to go back to school because I actually would love to start a career in Psychology. I have always been fascinated by how the mind works and through out my painful mental health experience through out my life, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the how and why my own mind works the way it does.
The a thing about school and education I have come to realize, is that while one’s primarily motivation might be heavily influenced by seeking a career in a skilled field with improved financial stability - I believe it is equally important to go choose something you have a passion about learning.
I was talking to a friend of mine, career advice about what technology certification could I go for (at that time I was entertaining getting some Cisco Networking Tech cert) and he really opened my eyes to certain realities about that field. And while we were talking and comparing notes and educational experience, I realized he was able to find the success he had because he spent every moment he could learning more about his field. I wasn’t doing that with my own programming work. I was treating it more like just a job “i have to do” than something I am excited to do. That makes educating once’s self harder when it becomes a chore.
So as my own advise I would like to share to you is to really take some time and think about all your favorite hobbies or interests or even things that makes you smile and think about how the people that are apart of those fields, how do they get into it. Imagine yourself amongst them and then just start looking at YouTube or troll Reddit for information about it. And while you’re doing what ever it is you’re doing (either full-time job or full-time self care) just dedicate a small amount of time to learning a little more about it.
Learning to learn again is the lesson I have been working on with myself. I am happy to have found this board and I hope to become a regular around here. If you ever would like just an extra pair of unbiased ears to listen to your hopes and dreams and maybe some educational advice - feel free to shoot me a DM if that is something we can do around here.
GlowingDarkly, do you realize you are a very good writer? Especially for someone more used to the tech side of things. That is a talent to be proud of, to enjoy, to use therapeutically, maybe even artistically? And a person who has both tech skills and writing skills is actually not that common, and perhaps might find themselves a niche in the job market...
As part of my wanderings in life, I went to college and graduated with a BA in Creative Writing. I want to get to the point where I can be published as a fantasy and sci-fi book author with hopefully a focus on real psychological mental struggles one can go through. So thank you for your very kind words, it feels really good to be seen.
I want to hopefully be a regular around here and leverage my own experience as well as writing style to help while I seek support in my own journey. I am not 100% sure how I can transform my limited technical know how with my writing know how with out a lot of certifications in like Copy Writing or Technical Writing, and I kind of flub my last attempt at taking a course in it. Hoping its just a set back, I angst about having to re-join the work force in a field that will emotionally sap me from using my free time to get the training I need.
it’s totally ok to cry and crying doesn’t translate to being weak or strong it’s actually a fascinating and mysterious emotional human condition. It’s for all people.
My therapist just yesterday told me tears are necessary to rid our bodies of toxins!! She said the reason you feel tired after crying is you have removed stress causing toxins. Who knew?? So there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying.
I knew it! My daughter just graduated from college ( magna cum laude) BA in creative writing. You are an amazing writer! A storyteller. My daughter has obsessive compulsive personality disorder. She can’t face adulthood unless it’s to figure out how to get tickets to a concert, etc. I lectured her to go on up work. You get freelance writing gigs. ( Not much money but the building of a resume & confidence). I love to read. I can honestly say that although your story was sad, it was compelling, well written and I am sure you can use your skills for monetary gain & therapeutic reasons too.
You mentioned being a published fantasy and sci-fi author. I suggest you reach out to Kyle Mosier on youtube. He is around your age and has a couple of ASMR channels and is also a self-published author of fantasy and sci-fi books (available on Amazon). Kyle is full of ideas and very approachable. I hope this helps.
Oh goodness GlowingDarkly......i seem to to have gone through, and still going through most of the things you mention, and the biggy is agoraphobia, I literally shut myself away for days on end and end up more depressed than ever, its a tough road we travel, and i hate it.
I have no solution, but it doesn't mean i don't try , i damn well do try.
Whatever i do i get thwarted at every turn, and its wearing me into the ground, i do work because i need to, but so often i just want to run away.
I enjoy nothing, but i dont let my guard down because like you, i dont want to appear weak, but its so hard to keep that persona.
I have become a very good actor and the people i meet think i have a wonderful life filled with humour, friends and joy, but the reality is quite the opposite.
I can only say you are far from being alone, but keep on keeping on.
Please try to be kind to yourself first and foremost. Are you getting talk therapy and or medication that works? Do you have a tool box of coping tools that help you? A therapist can help with that and I think there's quite a few with a sliding scale or free? And a job however meneil and being with people would probably be good for you ... conquer those fears (you might really enjoy being around people again) and get your self esteem up and running again. It will take time but the hardest step is the first. Wishing you the best!
Thankfully I have a supportive talk therapist (whom I will get to see today - I even warned him today might need a slightly longer session and he was okay with that). I did not take any medications due to my fear and stubbornness from my experience as a teenager. But that time has definitely past and I am open to try new things from the pharma side of treatment. It sucks that just trying to pick up the phone and call/find a psychiatrist terrifies me to pieces. It was an extremely harrowing ordeal for me internally when I was looking for a psychologist/therapist.
Oh that's good that you have a talk therapist. That's all I have and a regular doctor who put me on Buspar which has been very helpful so maybe you won't need a psychiatrist? Anxiety is no fun, wishing you the best!
I am thinking that I might like to see a doctor, if not simply to find some sort of medication that can help me take the edge off my anxiety so I can feel functional.
I am a believer that medications can help manage the physical sensations, but only working through your demons can you have deeper improvements of the self.
If you want to see a doctor re: any meds, I suggest trying to see a psychiatrist. Many 'regular' doctors will not prescribe any psych meds. I am in my 60's and was on antidepressants for decades, up until a few years ago. Some worked great, some didn't, some gave me intolerable side effects. I became treatment resistant to them and luckily my therapist recommended TMS, a noninvasive, non drug treatment which has really saved me and kept my depression at bay for quite a while. I still get anxiety, lately it has been really bad. I had been taking Ativan prn but now am also back on Buspar(I was on it years ago and it really helped). Was just started on it a few days ago, it takes a while to be effective. I have been to the point of being agoraphobic so know that feeling well; it's horrific! I hope you are able to find the help and support you need and want. There are plenty of us on here who totally understand. Wishing you well and peace of mind.
Thank you for your kind and supportive words my friend! I really means a lot.
I have started the process to meet with a psychiatrist but being on a socialized health care means I have to wait a long time.
If I may inquire, how do you handle the side effects of these different medications? I haven't taken anything since I was in high school (effexor is the only name i remember specifically from that time) and I had some very negative experiences that cost me ... well I am still feeling the cost of that experience to this day.
Sorry you have to wait a while to see a doc...Even in the states to be a new patient with a doctor usually means waiting a while. How long is your wait?? At least you started the process. As far as side effects just have to ride them out unless they are too intolerable, then it's time to call the doc. One gave me really bad shakes for a while until it was out of my system. Obviously everyone reacts differently and some may not have noticeable reactions. I was on Prozac for about 10 years, starting soon after it came out late 80's, and I can't recall having side effects with it. It worked great for me until it stopped working, then was switched to Celexa and same good results for several years. After that it was hit or miss. Right now I'm dealing with intermittent dizziness from the Buspar, which I didn't have when I took it years ago., but am much older now. Sometimes it's harder if we anticipate side effects that we may or may not get. I was on Effexor at some point but can't remember the outcome.
Welcome to our community GlowingDarkly. Like others here have importantly pointed out, you are not alone! I wanted to drop some encouragement to keep going for that technical career. I had to switch careers from teaching psychology to working in cybersecurity because of money. Boy am I glad I did - it’s fascinating, pays well, and you’re surrounded by lots of other introverts. 😊
Plus, with your knack for writing - you’d be a shoe in as a technical writer. A very necessary role!
I thought about getting into cybersecurity my self! And by that I mean this past week of having my safety bubble shattered and me desperately looking for a career I can work towards, it crossed my path. I am so afraid and unsure if I will ever have the space to learn the skillset necessary to get into Cybersecurity (or any other skill for that matter) but I do like the prospect of it, it at least really sounds like a “safe space” to be in for my anxiety issues.
I think I just am struggling with the fact I just wasted a great opportunity to train for a new profession but my issues had me shut down completely. So many regrets festering right now in my life.
I hear you completely — it’s okay to make mistakes and have regrets, it means you’re trying. Just keep going. (This is my personal mantra because of anxiety).
I had no background in computers before getting into the field - you just have to be curious and willing to learn. If you want to check it out, I recommend getting CompTIA Security+ certification 😊
This is the perfect place for you! We are all fighting or facing our fears. Have you looked into in home employment? I’m not sure how it works but Amazon employs people in many different positions. It might be something you know how to do. Just a suggestion. Here we share our fears, depression, anxiety and our break throughs. Welcome!!
I identify with your struggles. My first anxiety was at school aged 15ish, couldn’t cope doing exams, begging my Mother to let me take time off school. I have journeyed throughout my life shadowed by these conditions. I am 69 now. Am currently changing meds (another long story), but like you I find comfort in my own bubble. I have again taken step back from my hobbies of Bridge group and a gentle fitness group for seniors and have told all my friends that I won’t be available for the foreseeable future. It’s a safe space. It’s not easy, it’s a nightmare at times so whilst I can’t help you , I empathise with you and understand .
Have just come to realise that lengthy phone calls are a trigger for my mind going into terror. I had a 2 hour catch up call last night. I realised afterwards that I was just thinking out loud. I wasn’t having a conversation I was just rambling around my own disturbed thoughts. My son tells me I don’t talk I give a monologue . I came off unsettled and couldn’t sleep as I had awaken this demon, as a result I had to take sleeping tablets and diazapam to aid sleep.
I monologue about my thoughts all the time to my friends and family, I already can see myself doing that here in this forum too. So I completely understand and welcome that with in my space. Thank you for sharing with me some of your story.
It feels so good to have found a place to speak/type aloud what I’ve previously mostly kept behind closed doors. No one else in my life seems to have struggled in the same way as I have so it is very uplifting to find a place where I can “compare notes” with others.
Hello! You've come to a great place and so many folks on here can offer some excellent advice and friendship! I don't post much. I've got some challenges like everyone else, probably more physical health related than emotional, but a few of those too.
I thought your post was amazing. You are obviously a great writer (as others have pointed out) and very intelligent. Give yourself kudos for that, for graduating college and continuing your education. I've done some of that, but nothing more than an associates degree in the field I work in (warehousing and transportation) which I find after more than 30 years to be boring and unfulfilling.
I have been thinking about returning to school, online, but don't know in what field. I'm a history buff, but not a lot of financial improvement unless I continued onto a doctorate. I'm not a great math student either, so that kind of holds me back.
Speaking of my career, though not exactly cleaning toilets, but not much above it is warehouse work. Not glamorous, pay can be low at some places but you could work with a small team or even on your own. When I started my first "real" job (after working in a restaurant as many teens do) I worked with a small team and once trained much of the work I did was on my own. Of course as time progressed I did move up because of my attention to detail and work ethic but at the time, it was great and the team around me was pretty special. Just another option.
I wish you well whether you decide on trying meds or just talking. Both are beneficial but sometimes the added extra of medication can significantly help!
Welcome to the Community. Pretty much all of us have had mental illness, and we come here to support each other and any new folks. Pull up a log and sit around the campfire!
My son is scarily like you. I am 75 and starting to lose certain memories, and I fall, so my son has become my carer. He too would rather live online, but his world has suddenly taken a sharp turn, as he has had a Diabetes scare that we are trying to address. My son has been my carer since he left college, but his work prospects aren't good. He is dyslexic, and has only had one seasonal job. Unfortunately his sight has suddenly become affected, possibly seriously. His qualification was in Horticulture, but he hates it and would have preferred to work with animals.
We are hoping that with diet and medication the eye problem may be sorted, but he is terrified for his future, and is withdrawing further.
It is hard when you are feeling unable to move forward with your life as you are, but you are the one who must fix things for yourself and your family, it can be done; I know the computer is a big draw to introverted folk, been there, done that, but you must try. How about taking another course to make sure you are totally up to date, and then start looking again.
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