I went to the doctor and, conquered some INSANE anxiety and a horrendous panic attack. That's the short version. Background, I suffer from agoraphobia, anxiety, panic disorder, and depression and I'll stop there because it's too much.
My appointment was at 4 pm. That, I obsessively knew, since I made the appointment. So, it's appointment day. It was noon and I was on the couch with my wife who, lovingly, stayed home from work today to go to my appointment with me. I looked at my phone and let out a dreaded sound and honest feeling, "Ughhhhhh. I don't wanna go I'm scared". I was terrified. I even went on the patient portal to possibly cancel my appointment. That's all I wanted to do was to stay home and not leave my safe bubble. My safe place. After thoughtful consideration, I thought no, you'll just prolong the process and progress. Then, 2 hours later, I did it again, and went on the patient portal to cancel the appointment. I stared at it. Again, decided it was best to go, even though my head said 'no!'
I pulled my weighted, heavy body up and actually started to get ready-something that resides in my memory still. It felt normal. Like, oh yeah I've done this before. I got ready and anxiously and slowly treaded towards the door. I got in the car and started adjusting the rearview mirror and seat to my preference. Again, something I remembered, oh yeah, I've done this before too.
It all came to me at once. I knew how to do all of this. I did do it.
My wife got in the car and I put the car in reverse, then drove, and started accelerating, getting further and further from my safe place. Boom! PANIC. Omg, I'm far from home omg I wanna go home omg what am I doing? This isn't safe! My heart raced, my breathing became rapid, I felt sick, all of the panic attack symptoms. Then, before I knew it, I had disassociated. I was floating and in a dream-like state. I told my wife and she supportively asked "Are you still ok to drive?"-"Yeah, I think," I said with a nervous giggle. I was numb.
As we got the furthest I've been from home in 9 months, I pulled into the parking lot of the doctors' office. The anxiety smacks me again right in the face. Panic attack strikes again.
I got out of the car and went into the office. Scared out of my mind, I stopped at the receptionist and somehow managed to say "I'm here for Dr.****." She said ok and to go to the waiting room. I walk into the immaculate waiting room. Ok that's a good sign, it's probably clean. I'll sit. I glance over in an attempt to distract myself to see information packets on Spravato and Caplyta. No. I don't wanna read.
I need to use the rest room but I'm terrified that someone sick used it. Reluctantly, my bladder said I better go. Well, it was clean, what do ya know?
3 minutes later, a gentleman says "I'll be right with you".
Oh. Ok. He seems nice. That must be the doctor. He comes to lead us into his office. I'm still anxious. Feeling sick. Idk how I'm gonna even talk. Thankfully, I made a plan for this scenario. My wife would become my voice. And, she did.♥️ Then, I started to shake the panic off and was able to talk. This doctor is so nice, he's safe!
He was. He was the nicest doctor I have ever encountered. Literally. We discussed what I wanted in treatment. What? You're not gonna talk over me and suggest that I take this or that or judge me? I didn't even know this approach even existed. 😳
I walked out proud and relieved with my head held high. I just did that! Yeah, I did!
The panic attack was gone and I started to feel like myself. We got in the car and headed home. Soon, my notifications on my phone blew up because my meds were ready.
What? He seriously did what I asked and worked with me? 😯
The end point being-I conquered my horrific panic and anxiety and I can do it again. So can you. The suffering was and is worth it.
I plan to keep leaving home. I'm not cured, never will be but, I'm capable of getting treatment. We all are and, deserve it. I know not everyone will have my experience. We're all unique in our issues but what I do know is that we're worthy and deserving of quality and competent care. I've been treated so badly by psychological doctors and therapists for so long that I didn't think good existed. It does.
Grab my positivity, hope, and momentum-- take it if you need it. I'm sharing it. Sorry, this is so long. Thanks for reading!
I am ashamed of what i did or what i did not do.
What I did for myself today.
Where did I go wrong?
I didn't think it would happen to me. But it did.
Did i jump to assumptions through irrational thinking? 
