I'm sidetracked

[Swilly97]

I took this photograph when I was more functional (again).

These train tracks remind me of a wonderful place that I spent a lot of my childhood in. I can still recall the sound of a train passing by as I fell asleep and, how oddly comfortable it was. Laying in that comfy bed under the soft and warm duvet was so delightful. It felt secure and safe too.

These same feelings lately, are under constant attack. Under attack by my own mind and faulty thinking patterns. I'm not sure how to feel safe again. I feel lost, vulnerable, and insecure. If only I could go back there and lay down in that same bed, I'd feel it again.

My own mind attacks me on an endless loop like a parasite feasting on its host. I want to feel better and safe and functional but, I don't know how to get there. I need to go to see my new therapist but I have no clue how I'm gonna step foot out of this house, I'm not stable. The anxiety is overwhelming. Even the thought of it makes my heart pound fast.

Recovery seems impossible right now. I'm stuck in fight, flight, freeze.

I'm sorry to sit here and complain. I know we all struggle and mine seems stupid sometimes.

Staying on track feels impossible.

Feeling kinda hopeless.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far anyway.

[litethatnevergoesout]

Nice job swilly

[Swilly97 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Ty. 😮‍💨

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Swilly97]

Yw (couldn’t find an emoji worth putting up)

[Swilly97 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

It's ok. I get it.

[litethatnevergoesout in reply to Swilly97]

You’ll get there, you’ll feel like the time is right to step out of the house and get the help you deserve. until then you’ve got all of us who care unconditionally. I know what it’s like getting stuck and never seeing a way out. I want to go back to laying down on a super comfy bed with loads of stuffed animals and make my son into an airplane. It seems so far away. I don’t like how far away it keeps getting.

[Swilly97 in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

Thank you, ✨️💛

[LifeIsThePitts]

I love the 🚂 train tracks reference. It symbolizes a comforting memory from your childhood and also a euphemism for keeping your mental health "on track"😉 so to speak. I'm sorry you're struggling to reign in your thought patterns. It's a game of push and pull, back and forth. We know what we SHOULD be doing but still can't get past our own mental road blocks.

The podcast I posted this morning was the perfect 🎗️ reminder that I'm human and that this transition isn't an overnight remedy or process...it will take as long as it takes and as long as I give myself the room to make mistakes and LEARN from them, I'll get to the finish line. Baby steps are just as Big as giant epiphanies...we don't grow without both. You can do this! Be gentle with you this weekend. We've got your back, sweetie 😘

[Swilly97 in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Thank you love. I needed that. Baby steps it is! 💛💛💛💛

[Swilly97]

Thank you, I needed to hear that. 💛

[Swilly97]

That's solid advice! Thank you 💛

[Nothing_but_books]

What an amazing shot. The second I saw the picture I was a little girl playing in the lot near the tracks. So many memories.

Me too! I'd forgotten; I went to sleep to the rattle of the train and the mournful whistle. I remember the monk's cloth curtains Mom made for my room.

Ew. And I remember that closet that didn't have a door. I'm not sure what lived in there, but you had to jump to get in bed if you didn't want it to get you. Don't let your feet get too close or an arm would come out from under the bed.

Sorry. You made me.

[Swilly97 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

LOL! Thank you I needed that! So you had the sound of trains too! I look on it so fondly 🙂

[Nothing_but_books]

You're not complaining Swilly. I hear you. I'm sorry you're having such a bad time. Your bravery and clarity helps me too. This song is an old one from back in the dark ages when I was a wee thing. Your photo brought it to mind for me.

youtube.com/watch?v=ScN7IQx...(Not working as expected?)

[Swilly97 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I'm digging it, thank you for sharing! It reminds me of the record player when I was little, playing Italian music 🎶 🎵 😌

Thank you, I'm doing a little better today. I didn't sleep much but, I just had a tiny bit of soup. How are you? I hope you've slept a little and are hydrating.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Swilly97]

Thank you for reminding me to hydrate Swilly. No, I haven't had a sip. I'm going to get some water now... Assuming when I get to the kitchen I know why I'm there.

You reminded me of the record player I had when I was little. Grandma -- my Dad's mom -- sent me my first 45s. One of them was Mitch's "Yellow Rose of Texas." I still listen to that tune to comfort myself.

[Swilly97 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Good, I hope you remember, I do know that feeling.

My grandparents had this amazing record player that took up half a room. I ended up buying an identical one shortly after they passed, it smells like them. I know that's weird but it just does. They had a record that we used to dance to by Harper Valley PTA, called "little puddin" it was so silly but endearing. I still have it! Awww memories.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Swilly97]

Far from "weird", it brought tears to my eyes. My grandparents had an old old old record player. It was beautiful, a mahogany-stained cabinet. I grew up listening to classical music and opera there. I can't remember the smell. I wish I could.

I just saw the old velvet chair where Grandpa sat when we watched Bonanza every Sunday.

youtube.com/watch?v=nNpmaYM...(Not working as expected?)

[Swilly97 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Awww! I love this! Thank you! 😊 Memories. So precious. I'm glad for what we do remember. I hope I don't forget too much ya know? My grandmother who suffered with alzheimer's and dementia still remembered a lot of her long term memories. That's hopeful. Hugs, thank you

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Swilly97]

I don't remember, did you see, a day or two ago, someone here said benzo use causes memory loss. (Scary.) Oh Lawd, I hope I didn't just stick my foot in it. Was it you?

My mom did too. Not my Dad though.

[Swilly97 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I do remember, I just don't remember who said it maybe Hidden ? Oh! Dr. Tracey (she's informative and amazing), another favorite has a video on it!

youtu.be/3KrvRoazA3c?si=dqW...(Not working as expected?)

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Swilly97]

Thanks, I'll have a look-see. Good to know... I guess. I wish the doctors would warn you before they prescribe them.

[Swilly97 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

I was just saying that to wifey. I know, it's awful that they don't. I now know to research myself because the docs won't tell us much.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Swilly97]

I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way. At least, in our forum, we can realize there are a lot of us got treated that way. Where's Howard Beale when you need him?

[Swilly97 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Truth, it's good to know we're not alone, -and lol!

[Stoic1]

No need to apologize for sharing your feelings. Thank you for confiding with us. Your anxiety is your brain trying to protect you from danger. I tell my brain to "chill out" when I get anxious or defensive. See if telling it to "chill" works for you.

[Swilly97 in reply to Stoic1]

Thank you, I'm doing that now 😌

[dutchgirl71]

Hi Swilly. Your post sounds exactly like something I would post…but you worded it much better! I do find that “safe” feeling in my bed…it’s always so hard to get up and face the day (triggers).😩

[Swilly97 in reply to dutchgirl71]

Thank you , and absolutely. I get it. I'm fighting to not getting back into bed.

[felicitous]

Hi!! I have a train of thought that keeps me from feeling happy and confident which I associate with my mother. I can look at a negative thought and see my mother's words and behavior and often interrupt those thoughts. When you have those crippling thoughts is there a person or situation you can associate them with??? I might be saying something you've probably heard many times, but it would be great if it were helpful. Good Luck!!

[Swilly97 in reply to felicitous]

Thank you for your reply and help! Yes I do think of people and that helps 😊

[SoporRose]

Swilly,

Beautiful photo. I love the way you caught the sheen of the setting sun on the tracks. They look gilded.

I am sorry you are so mired right now. I know that feeling. If you can't get yourself out, will your therapist do a Zoom session with you?

Ruth

[Swilly97 in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you 😊 Yes I think she'll do just a phone session but the actual doctor, I have to go see him. Ugh. I need to see him for my darn meds. 😩

Thank you for helping ✨️🙏

[SoporRose in reply to Swilly97]

I don’t know how it is for you, but sometimes I end up grateful that I HAD to leave the house and sometimes venturing forth turns out to have been exactly what I did not need to do, but I never know which reaction I’ll have. Sigh. I hope when you do have to go out, everything goes well enough so that the time after that is even easier.

Let us know how things go.

[Swilly97 in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you so much, I'm trying to mentally prepare. Not doing so well. I'll be by afterwards I'm sure. Thank you, again

[Swilly97 in reply to SoporRose]

Well, you were right, I'm so glad I went! It went so good and I conquered some anxiety! Thank you

[SoporRose in reply to Swilly97]

I am really, truly thrilled that your appointment went well! And good for you for finding whatever you needed to get yourself there! That took courage and determination. Well done!

[Swilly97 in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you so much!!! I appreciate that! 🙏

[Vasiliki99]

It's nice the analogy the safe place my cat helps me, but then I don't know there is not much to go out for anyway not for me anyway and we always get home again .....still don't worry b content with yourself

[Swilly97 in reply to Vasiliki99]

Thank you 🙏

[CLB1125]

You are not complaining, you are sharing your feelings with others who understand.

[Swilly97 in reply to CLB1125]

Thank you 🙏