Resentment

[Naynay18]

I've been feeling a lot of resentment to the men in my life and past. I am 20 years old and live at home with my mom and stepdad. I have been living with them since I was 18. Me and my stepdads relationship is kinda weird. We go through periods of time where we are close and other times when we hate eachothers guts. He got with my mom when I was 11 and I loved him the first year or two but when we moved intogether things went to shit. He was extremely controlling, yelling all the time constantly putting me down in front of his friends. I still have journal entries from when I was in 8th grade about how I was having thoughts about self harm and saying it was because my stepdad made me feel so bad about myself. When I was a freshman in highschool I started getting close to my dads ex wife (stepmom at the time). We would talk all the time, it was mostly about my mom and how she never protected me and I really resented her during this time. Which was true, she always marries the worst men and never defended me when her ex husband would verbally and physically abuse us. But my stepmom used my trauma against me, and made it so I would see her as my mom and basically just wanted to replace her. Long story short I ended up moving to Washington to live with my stepmom and dad. Everything was perfect the first few months, I was going to summer camps and traveling up in the mountains and just getting absolutely spoiled. But then one day my dad comes up to me after I got home from school and said him and my stepmom were getting divorced. The next morning she was gone and I never saw her again. I didnt even get to say bye. But after she left I realized over time how terrible of a person she was. She would background check everybody on my moms facebook and knew where all her friends lived knew everything about their families and even warned me once that one of my moms best friends ex husband was a sex offender, even though I was never once around him. She had access to all this because she worked for CPS in Seattle. My dad is black and me and my sisters are mixed. But to this day I've never met anyone as racist as her. She said she was allowed to say the n word because she was married to a black guy. She was racist towards everyone except white people. But after she left things got really really bad. My dad was incredibly abusive and would play mind games with me and gaslit me to the point I started recording our conversations because I thought I was crazy. He would have prostitutes over at the house WHILE I WAS HOME. He made me feel extremely uncomfortable because right after the girls would leave he would come into my room and he was smiling very creepily and looking at me like he was proud of himself. He told me the girls were from Tinder, but I was able to put two and two together when he would leave for days at a time and because he made me clean the entire house top to bottom, including his room, I found stacks of hotel room keys on his bedside table. I think the most uncomfortable he made me was when he had a girl over and came up to me laughing and smiling telling me to guess how old she was. He cornered me laughing, and pressed himself against me, I was yelling dad please stop I dont like this your making me uncomfortable please. Finally he walked away and just called me sensitive. I remember I was so so depressed and called my mom begging to come get me and bring me back to Idaho. She told my dad that I wanted to move back because I was too scared to bring it up myself. He came into my room screaming at me for over an hour. I was sobbing and didn't say a word the entire time. He said you know nobody loves you right. I'm the only one who loves you. And if you ever try to leave my house I will make your life a living hell. And he did. Not long after that I had my first suicide attempt. And within 12 hours my mom had came to get me and drove me back to live with her. I'll try to keep this part short since this post is already so long lol. But my stepdad seemed to be understanding of my depression at first, but when I wasn't able to pull myself up by the bootstraps he got angry with me. He was constantly threating to kick me out if I didn't go to school or work but my depression and anxiety was so severe I could not function what so ever and was constantly having suicide attempts and in and out of the hospital. My last suicide attempt I was in a coma after taking 200 benadryl. I was told I should've died. And it was a miracle that I made a full recovery. My stepdad was just angry. I was in the hospital for two months after that and while I was gone they searched my room. He found burnt razor blades, lighters, and a knife under my bed. He told the doctor I couldn't come home because I was going to hurt them and he didn't feel safe with me in the house and was trying to send me to a group home. He used my BPD diagnosis against me and because I had it he said I was a danger to them. Which I have never been aggressive or violent or had or expressed any urge to hurt another person besides myself. There is still so much that goes into my resentment towards certain people, and this post is already way to long so thank you to anyone who read this far

[litethatnevergoesout]

not all men are like that. I’m sorry naynay. I want to say something profound but I can’t. I have a daughter I never see, I’m scraping money together to help her pet rats get prescriptions for mites they get. I tell her I love her daily hoping she says the same back to me. She doesn’t want to see me, I pray every day she wants to decide to see me, and she could bring her brother and we could have ice cream. I could give her money for her pets. I miss her so much.

[Nowwearefree in reply to litethatnevergoesout]

It's very sad that your daughter is not more kind to you as you seem to really love her. She surely understands that that love is hard to come by?

[Jennblank7734]

Sorry you've been through so much. It's nice to meet you. I just moved away from a place where the people were bad. It's only been a few days and I already feel better. I have a roommate but plenty of privacy. Maybe a place away from them and you can find yourself would help. I hope you're safe. Talk to you soon =)

Jennifer

[Naynay18]

I’m working on moving out, I’m aiming for March when I graduate