my cousin passed away last week. Her funeral is on Thursday. I would like to go but my anxiety raises just thinking about it. Too many emotions, too many people in a small area. I feel bad. I’m afraid they will think i don’t care.
funeral : my cousin passed away last... - Anxiety and Depre...
funeral
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CLB1125
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45 Replies
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CLB1125 I am truly sorry to hear of the passing of your cousin. I understand
your concern in going to the funeral where there may be a lot of interaction with
others as you are feeling so uncomfortable inside.
At the time when my anxiety was at it's highest, I would attend a wake at 3pm when
number of people was at it's lowest. I would extend my sympathy and then sit in the
back for a few minutes before signing the register and quietly leaving.
When it came to the church and cemetery procession, I never got in line with my
car. (the what ifs were too bad at that time)
At the church I would sit in the last pew in the church as my family members would
look around and see me alone in the back.
Sometimes I went to the cemetery but mostly just went home from there because
many were invited to a luncheon after the cemetery which I couldn't handle.
We do what we can with what we are given at the time. I hope you can decide
what is best for you. Once again, I am truly sorry for your loss. 
xx
I am sorry to hear about your cousin's passing. Ever since my Dad's funeral in 2004, I don't go to very many funerals anymore, and it is for the sake of my own mental health. It doesn't mean we don't care. We all have to grieve in our own ways. People will not always understand, but they don't have to. Please do not think you are a bad person if you choose not to attend. We all have to grieve, but it is not always going to be understood by others. There is no wrong way to grieve. Sending prayers for peace. 🙏🙏🙏
My condolences. Explain to them, perhaps they'll understand. Could you go to the gravesite service for just a few minutes or go to the visitation and just sign the book and leave shortly?Take care. Do what you feel you need to do.
Thank you. Since my niece's wake it just makes my heart race and can't breathe. I sent a card this morning and told them I'm sorry but I can't make it.
Please go. Please don't let anxiety dictate your life. Anxiety is a confidence trickster and you need to call its bluff. By doing things despite your anxiety telling [screaming] you not to, you are creating new neural pathways in the brain and teaching it that there is no threat and no need for protection. Face those fears, accept those feeling of fear and float past them.
You will also feel better that you did pay your respects to your cousin.
❤️
Easier said than done. If anxiety is too high it is almost impossible to push through it. For me I know when I can and know when I can't. When my anxiety reaches a certain level it's impossible to get past it no matter what I try. I've been dealing with it for decades. I've gone for long periods without anxiety but have had so much happen in the past 2 years, health issues and losses, my anxiety is difficult to control lately. Luckily I have Ativan to help take the edge off when I need it.
You can pass through fear when you understand anxiety and acceptance of the symptoms. It might be difficult to begin with but it is not impossible and gets easier.
Anxiety is not the big scary tiger coming at you, snarling and claws out. It's actually a little kitten when you know what you are dealing with but very good at bluffing. Let it come at you (give up trying to control anxiety or placating it) and draw it's bite. You will find that it is just a harmless feeling.
Best wishes ❤🐈
You don't know exactly how I feel unless you are in my body and mind and no, there are times I can NOT push past it. Maybe you can, I can't. Don't liken it to a tiger, or whatever. I am in my late 60's and have dealt with it for years. And during the worst of it it is not a harmless feeling. Glad you can deal with it all the time. I can't. I have tried.
Sorry, I didnt wish to offend you and having to struggle with the symptoms for such a long time.
I do know exactly what it is like to experience the symptoms of anxiety and depression having been through it myself and recovered. The only difference being the root cause that caused you to fall into the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle.
Virtually every person on this forum is here because they are struggling to cope with the symptoms and / or learning how to overcome the disorder.
Knowledge and understanding of how anxiety and its symptoms manifest are the key to recovery. Acceptance of those symptoms does the rest.
Anyone can recover from the disorder; they just need to understand that fighting it (doing anything to rid themselves of the feelings) has the opposite effect.
Best wishes ❤
Beevee I can understand your strategy for fighting anxiety, and have practiced it with good success, in many situations. Facing fears is good. But it is equally easy to push myself too hard (as if I think my life is a big boot camp). That causes me much increased anxiety, often long-term, and the craziest thing is it is totally unnecessary. I have to rely on my judgment and my gut. How badly do I want to do something, and what are my reasons for wanting to do something? Do I really want to do it, or am I just people pleasing? If I am anxious about something, the anxiety might be just that, but it can also be intuition I might need to listen to. In terms of funerals, I choose not to go to very many funerals because that's what my gut tells me to do. I pay my respects to the deceased in my own special ways in which I feel are more meaningful to them and me. I am not ashamed of this. My family seems to have this need for me to meet their expectations in regard to my "performance." I love them, but still do not participate, because in this case, that is what makes my anxiety worse, and I don't feel the deceased would even want me to do that. Sending best wishes, and gratitude for your good intentions and sincerity.
Thanks Stippler. My intentions are always good and meant sincerely but was responding to CLB1125.Anxiety thrives on avoidance and CLB1125 said they wanted to attend but their anxiety was stopping them. Recovery lies in those places where anxiety is present, hence my advice to attend and not avoid.
Best wishes ❤
Anxiety is also a part of PTSD. There are many reasons a person suffering from PTSD cannot float through a funeral. It may be a trigger.
Funerals are a trigger for me and trying to challenge that could set me back. My story is deep and complex.
I'm just offering this message to remind people that PTSD is not general anxiety disorder and we have to take a different route with some things
🐬
I think the whole point of recovery is to go towards those places that trigger anxiety, to draw its sting to the point that it no longer matters.How can anyone expect to recover if they are not prepared to feel the symptoms i.e. avoid and not face?
PTSD has the same root cause as anxiety, OCD, GAD, agoraphobia, phobias in general. Fear or fear of the symptoms of fear that may be triggered.
I didnt want to play second fiddle and have anxiety control my life so faced those fears, all of which were created or magnified by my anxiety. To be honest, I had no choice because I suffered all day, every day for some time. I could either crawl under a stone or get out there and accept what came. I chose the second option. Those fears are not there now and free of all symptoms by facing, accepting and letting time pass.
Take care. ❤
PTSD stems from trauma. People who suffer from PTSD work on that same goal but, speaking for myself, I will never be able to " float" Some things get easier but some things take years and years to learn how to deal with.
I would love to rid myself of certain behaviors. If I went to this funeral it could trigger an old memory that I then would have to work on very hard to let go of.
I'm so glad you made it to your point of recovery
Let people think whatever. Go, don't go, people will chit chat about it no matter what. People will talk about how much certain people didn't cry enough or looked sad enough etc.
Worry about what you can control and that's you. If it's really too much for you right now. Send a card and flowers with your condolences. Maybe you can go on your own to the gravesite and have yourself a private vigil and leave some flowers if you want.
Funerals are mainly for the living anyways.
It's the feeling like you're trapped and you won't be able to escape because so many people and a tiny place and I understand that can scare you. I do the same when I go somewhere small and I immediately start looking for the exits.
Anyways my sincerest condolences to you and your family during this difficult time 🫂❤️
I have never been to a funeral where people have talked about how much others appear to be grieving! I don't think they are interested. You can never be trapped at a funeral if you sit at the back. You don't have to interact with people; just nod to them.
Condolences to CLB1125.
I have never been to a funeral where people have talked about how much others appear to be grieving! I don't think they are interested. You can never be trapped at a funeral if you sit at the back. You don't have to interact with people; just nod to them.
Condolences to CLB1125.
I sadly unfortunately have been witnessed to people trash other people on how they grieve and type of outfit people changed into after the funeral. The outfit thing happened to me & I was 10yrs. I changed from a dress, stockings and dress shoes to pants and a shirt and sneakers so I could play with my cousins. Apparently my aunt by marriage didn't "approve" of that.
Hmm. Yes, aunts can be very judgemental, with their own agendas.
Hmm. Yes, aunts can be very judgemental, with their own agendas.
Thank you
Hello CLB1125 I hope you are not too bad today,
First, please be sure I am really sorry of the passing of your cousin.
I can understand how this is a double dose of anxiety.
I think you can take part to those funerals just being there. There is no obligation to speak with anyone and you can sign - if you wish - the register then leave, if this is what makes you feel the less uncomfortable.
All my thoughts are with you
Much love from France
O
thank you
What would I do, I think I would sit right at the very back so I could slip out if necessary, also I would take an extra dose of my full spectrum CBD .Hate them as we also question our own mortality
In short, I think you should go to your cousins funeral to pay your last respects to him/her and let it go at that, wear what you want and say what you feel. Make it about your cousin and dance on their grave, but don’t worry about the small stuff anymore. I would just be happy you were at my service. Grieve, but only for a short period.
Be courageous friend, sometimes easier said than done. 🙏
Sorry for your loss x It’s never easy and with a few of my relatives I went to their funerals but not the wake afterwards, but it is nobody’s business how you choose to mourn the loss of a loved one everyone reacts differently to grief. Do what you need to do x
Hello,
My sincere condolences 🙏🏽May your cousin Rest In Peace. Have you tried exposure therapy? I have really bad anxiety which haven been getting better by doing the things I think will put me overboard. Try going for 20 mins if you can take it and then leave. It but get better, you’ll get better.🙏🏽
I'm sorry for your loss.When my grandmother passed away years ago I didn't go to her funeral because of my social anxiety. I know my family understood, but I still do regret not going. I hope you decide to do what your comfortable with doing.
Again I'm really sorry for your loss. 😔
thank you
I sent a card and money. With a note saying I was sorry but couldn’t make it. My anxiety gets so bad I hyperventilate so bad I feel like I will pass out. I don’t want anything to draw attention to myself. I have gotten to a point now I can’t control my emotions. Where most people shed a tear I’m a blubbering mess. It’s embarrassing.
in reply to CLB1125
Hi and very sorry to hear about your loss. I dislike funerals also for the reasons you give - managed to attend some but not others. To be honest most people in my experience don't notice or just accept that you can't go. After all there are heaps of reasons why people cannot or may not be able to attend. I think by sending the card you have passed on your sympathy and condolences and that will be appreciated. Hope you'll feel better about yourself soon. Best to you.
Try your best to go but be compassionate with yourself if you can’t. In my opinion, you will feel better if you go. You will find peace in honoring your relative and you will have a victory over anxiety.
If you are not able, do not be hard on yourself. If anxiety and depression were easy to defeat, no one would be on this site.
Praying for you. Sorry for your loss.
Hi sorry to hear about your cousin is it too late to try and get a link set up so you can attend it online as I done that during covid.
I have the same anxiety in groups like Funerals and Weddings etc. It a serious problem as like you I felt terrible I could not attend these events .
I'm sorry for your loss.
I just lost my brother September 1 
Funerals are not for everyone. They are hard for many people that don't struggle with anxiety.
I think it's appropriate to send a card to the family. " I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the services. My heart there with all of you" That's what I would write.
Sending you peace and support
🐬
thanks everyone. Your advice and well wishes warms my heart.
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