What to think anymore...

So if I was born into this world only to suffer and lose and be the way I am. Why do I exist then? That question keeps replying on loop in my head. I want to be better, as a person and with mental health to get better. I love God and have faith in God. I have many blessings that I don't mean to take for granted. But I think I'm always gonna suffer and my family is too. I'm not suicidal. I'm just broken. I wish I was stronger, I wish I could be better and I wish I wasn't so weak minded. No doctor or meds has ever helped me. I really am sorry to say all this. I'm just venting.

[wileykitt]

Its good to vent.

[Tbine]

Hello Faith Warrior,. I feel where your at. I'm 50 and I've been suffering for the past 43 years. I have thought the same things you have written about "why am i here?" I've asked God that question many times, with no "clear" answer of course. I've submitted to the saying, "to live is to suffer". Then i started to write down inspirational quotes like,. "You cannot be Crowned without being Crossed",. Or "When your going through hell, go straight through it". I know firsthand how very depressing life can be, i won't sugarcoat anything. I was also fortunate to come across a guy on YouTube named David Goggins. I highly recommend you look him up. He speaks about suffering, and he does not sugar coat anything ! He tells it like it is, and that's what i liked about him. (He swears alot too) Basically he's trying to tell people like you and me " If suffering is what your life has given you plenty of, with no change in sight, then we have no other choice but to Embrace the suffering, and stop trying so hard to figure out the "Why's" of life, and just accept it. Stop running or trying so hard to avoid or to stop the suffering, just go with the shitty circumstances of life with sarcastic humor as your attitude towards it all. That's how I've gotten through my 43 years of suffering. It must work because I'm still here writing this! Lol Good Luck.

[Hidden in reply to Tbine]

Yes I understand. I just don't know how to embrace it. I'm just to weak emotionally everything gets to me. Thank you for commenting, I deeply appreciate it.

[Tbine in reply to Hidden]

Faith Warrior, . when i wrote embrace it, what i meant was "know" that unfortunately suffering is part of life, and the Faster we can Accept this as a fact of life, Truly accept this, and be OK. With it,. Then suffering becomes less of a "Bully" that we keep trying to run from, or get away from at all costs. The Faster you Face that "suffering Bully" in your life, not by trying to run from it, or avoid it, but by seeing it for what it is,. Something that we must experience as human beings,. Period. I don't write you this in a mean way faith warrior, i been where you are, and sooo many other people have. We ALL have to find our own way out of our sufferings,. Get creative and decide that YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY OUT OF YOUR SUFFERING. Write down positive things about yourself in a notepad and read them to yourself every day until you start to feel better about WHO and WHAT you are. Tell yourself " I am a good person, i am a strong person, i am a Faith warrior" I'm serious ! Believe that you are a warrior for Jesus who is being hardened, or tempered here, because he needs strong warriors for what he has planned for you, and hopefully me? Give your sufferings a "purpose". The purpose may not be known now, but you WILL learn the "Why's" when it is time to.

[Agora1]

FaithWarrior, You say that no docs or meds have ever helped you. However, you say you

have faith in God as well as many blessings that you do not take for granted. Most of us

have suffered, some more than others. Life is a learning experience. We learn through

our sorrows as well as joy.

I think you question your existence because you don't believe in yourself and what you

are capable of achieving. Wishing won't do it my friend. You are none of the negative

things you think you are. You need to turn those thoughts to more positive ones.

It starts with believing in yourself. Only you can make the difference in your life. We

each are responsible for our own decisions. Taking that step out of your safety zone

may be just what you need to prove to yourself that there is a reason we all are here.

Man, Woman, Weak, Strong, we all have an intricate part of the puzzle of life. With

one piece missing (YOU) the puzzle is meaningless. I believe in you xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

My family has for years told me that only I can do something about this, it has to come from within. But what if I'm empty from with in? I'm not strong, I have no friends, I'm stuck in my room all the time and I'm not independent. I'm not anything special and I don't deserve to be. If I have to spend the rest of my life in my room so be it. But I don't want my family to suffer and I just can't stand my negative thoughts anymore. I always feel bad about myself and if I deserve it, then why am I here? I just don't get it. I'm thankful to God for the blessings in my life but I have let him down to many times counting all of what I'm writing here because he gave me this life and I'm here questioning it. I'm low. I'm sorry. But thank you for replying, I appreciate the kind words.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

My friend, you haven't let down anyone but yourself. If there is anything

we can do to support you please let us know. You have a lot of people who

care. xx

[Broken_Alive18]

I totally understand where you're coming from. It's hard being broken.

[Hidden in reply to Broken_Alive18]

Yeah it is. I just pray everything works out for everyone and we all get better. I hope, well I try to anyway.

[Pagesofwords in reply to Hidden]

I hope you are doing better today, Faith. I was concerned that you hadn't replied, and I continue to keep you in prayer. I wrote a long reply to Completely-zero654 below and thought maybe my words to her could be of help to you as well. It was such a high mountain to climb to get to here and I'm still climbing. There is always value at any time or place on that mountain--but we sure have a hard time believing it sometimes. It's so easy to tumble back down.

[Hidden in reply to Pagesofwords]

Oh sorry I wasn't ignoring anyone, it's just I sign in and check notifications and reply and then sign out. But with everything going on in my life at the moment, I just try to do stuff to really distract my brain from anxiety and racing thoughts. But thank you for your prayers and kind words!! I appreciate it!

[Pagesofwords]

I'm so sorry for how hard everything is feeling for you right now, FaithWarrior. Everybody has to find their own solution. Have you tried doing something kind for someone else? Is there someone who gives you hope you could talk to? Are you in a church? Or could you think of one good thing about yourself or one good thing you really like to do? Then try to build off that one positive thing. Feeling better takes effort and practice. One good thing, two good things, etc. Keep building. You have such a beautiful name, Faith. I will pray for you.

[completely-zero654 in reply to Pagesofwords]

Dear Pageofwords, have read Faithwarrior post and replies, I too and my husband is worse than myself with depression/anxiety for many, many reasons. We are Christians although do not go to church as we ought to, but recently have prayed and prayed hard because we are alone with these problems, one thing after another keeps happening, and these last 2 months things haven't got any better.

Why do our prayers not get answered, my husband of almost 38 years and we met when I was 15, so have known him such a long time has always, always helped others, done things for people who needed things doing and not asked but happy when he has been and done like mowed their grass, odd jobs etc and myself the same although not mowed the grass as I am disabled, all the same we have both had things go wrong in our lives, one thing after another. So why doesn't God listen when we ask for some help, why are we both being punished for nothing we are good decent people but life is destroying our lives to the extent that we would be better off out of this life. It's not as easy as it seems to stop looking for reasons as to what you have done to deserve being punished like this. It's like a huge black cloud that follows you wherever you go and whatever you do. There is help out there but the people that offer help need to have gone through the same themselves to understand what your going through, have never come across anyone who has or will say they have. So how can anyone help unless they have been there. It is no use us praying as he doesn't seem to be listening.

[Pagesofwords in reply to completely-zero654]

Dear Completely-zero654,

I am sorry for how alone, frustrated, and saddened you and your husband are feeling by the difficulties of your life. It is good that you have one another to love and care for. It is wonderful how you both reach out to do good for others as you are able.

Perhaps there is someone who could give you help in return as you go through hard things. Many people do care but maybe they don't realize what you need. Have you thought of seeking out someone?

In this letter I will share some of the ways I have dealt with major depressive disorder. I hope that something will give you hope or thoughts of what you can do to help yourself and your husband. I'm no expert but I keep trying, believing, and learning and--when I can--finding a little humor. I have been on antidepressant medications for 35 years and also had many years of talk therapy.

What happens to us doesn't define us. Who we are goes deeper than that. We are created in God's image. We are God's beloved children.

However, I do understand questioning, "Where are God's answers to my prayers?" I have experienced similar feelings and battled them for years. I don't believe that you are being "punished" by God for something you did. The notion of "punishment" seems to be a negative thought or guilty feeling that is made worse by your situation of being depressed. What if you changed your thought from punishment to something positive and held tight to that? For example, "I am a precious person. I am a child of God. God loves and protects me whether I feel it or not."

Depression is an illness of lies. The unhealthy brain is sending out incorrect information, and we are believing it. It is based on faulty reasoning and repetition. The depressed brain believes the self is bad, there is no hope, no one understands or cares for us, we can't do anything, we are worthless, etc. These are part of the sickness and are NOT reality.

When I am getting down and caught in feelings of self-loathing and despair, my husband reminds me: "The devil is a liar." He does not want to listen to me complain about myself or how I feel. He wants me to stop believing lies. He wants to change my thinking. He challenges me by pointing out I am believing lies.

It takes practice and persistence to challenge irrational thoughts when you have them. You have to reteach your brain how to talk kindly to yourself.

Have you ever read the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People," by Harold Kushner? I found it very helpful to me when I read it about 20 years ago. From it, I gained new understanding and worked to change my self-pitying feelings into compassion for myself and others.

I also find that if I help someone else, it ends up helping me feel better about myself. Do you and your husband feel better after you do that? Gratitude journaling--listing five things each day that I am grateful for--is another self-help technique I've used. I have heard that reading (or praying) the Psalms outloud and really thinking about what the psalmist is saying can help you refocus depressed feelings. I like to play the piano and sing uplifting hymns. I love to read all kinds of books. Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy?

I belong to a congregation and attend worship regularly (even when I am depressed). Being part of a church family is what helps me most, week by week, day by day. I have brothers and sisters in Christ and a wise pastor who are there to love and support me, lift me up (when I let them), listen to me, rejoice with me, cry with me, pray for me--and I am there to love and support them, encourage them, listen to them, pray for them, and so on. The connection is a powerful base on which to stand, a safety net that catches me when needed, and a bridge that leads to greater faith in God's love and grace.

I think it is not so much that we "ought" or "should" go to church. Going or not is our own decision. However, I believe that the Holy Spirit does "call" us to community in Christ--and for so many people this means being with other believers--gathering for worship with a congregation or through a Bible study or prayer group or an informal church family. I find that it is in relationship with others that we can feel less isolated, learn from one another, grow in our personal faith, and stay the course on this earthly pilgrimage.

Being part of a church family keeps my light of Christ kindled, strengthens my faith, and helps me when I am depressed. It isn't magic, and it isn't perfect. People are always imperfect but we can love them anyway. I was taught to look for the good in others. Because of the hymns we sing, the sermons and lessons I hear, the bread and wine, and the words of confession and reconciliation, I am better able to trust in God's faithfulness and the call to "love one another," instead of focusing on my personal faults, pain, and grief. I can give those things to God.

Do you know the hymn "There is a Balm in Gilead"? This is a special hymn to me because I hear it as a promise of healing. It says to me "Hang on. Do the best you can do. Life is very hard. Healing will come. God will bring the healing." I wish this truth to be real for everyone.

The injustice and cruelty of this world seem random. Horrible ills and suffering, violence, war, and worse can happen to anyone. We pray for God to spare us from these terrible things, but there's no guarantee that we shall be spared. Not in this life, not in the specific human way we want to be spared. The only certainty is that God does love us and will heal us. In heaven, we will be healed. God will wipe away every tear.

My beloved sister died July 19, 2018, of a debilitating illness called progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP) that resulted in her being paralyzed in a nursing home bed and unable to speak, swallow, and see the last six months of her life. She was only 52 and left behind her husband and two kids, 21 and 18, our 90-year-old mom, three siblings, many other relatives and friends, and our faithful church family who helped out in numerous practical and spiritual ways. She was my baby sister, my close neighbor in the same town, and, most of all, my best friend.

For more than three years now I have been grieving as I cared for her and her family--first grieving that she would die, then that she did die, and always now that we have to go on without her in this world. Grief is different from depression though. Grief seems easier. In my grief, I have deep sadness, yes, but also the hope and comfort of my Christian faith and my trust in God's love, care, and grace. While grieving I still believe I have value as a person, as a child of God, and I have the promise of the resurrection.

I find depression so very much harder than grief. In depression, I am not easily aware of God's love or my value; instead, my mind is fooled by the "lies" of the illness, the faulty negative premises of the devil's delight, the hurtful and irrational thoughts and feelings that attack the brain and wound the soul, the notion that I am a bad person and don't deserve to live.

After living with depression so many years, I am fortunate to be able to recognize what is going on when I am depressed--that my understanding is not accurate at the moment. It is a lie that I am a bad person. I am merely experiencing a low mood. I then can employ the positive coping skills I learned in therapy to help myself move through this mood as quickly as I can.

I wish you and your husband well. I shall pray for you to be given what will help you most as you journey toward better health and happiness.

Sincerely,

Pages

[Hidden in reply to Pagesofwords]

I respect and understand everything you said. My anxiety and racing thoughts have really damaged me over the years but I will continue to have faith in God and pray. I'm really sorry about your sister. She is in a better place now with God where she is safe,healthy and happy. I pray that God keeps you and your family strong and helps you through the tough times in life. Thank you for commenting!

[Pagesofwords in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Faith. I pray the same for you, to always keep the faith--your very name--and to trust that healing will one day come. As we tell the kids at school (where I work as an aide in 5th grade), always remember to take a breath! Take a deep breath. And another. And another. . . Be calm now.

I'm thankful I spent the time writing last night because I think it helped my own grief work for my sis, to clarify my thoughts and beliefs. Writing it out helps me process things. Is there a certain healthy activity you do that helps you process things? In the classroom, students are to doodle as they listen to the teacher read a book. When I was a kid in school, doodling was prohibited!

[sunandbutterfly]

Hello Faith warrior,

Sorry for the pain that you have been feeling. The question of human suffering when there is a good God who loves us is one that many people struggle with. This one thing I know, God sent Jesus to die for our every wrongdoing. He came into our mess and brokenness and loved us anyways.

I would recommend Hope When Life Hurts Most and Fruitcake and Ice cream by Louie Giglio. Also, you may find Lacey Sturm'sstory to be inspirational.

I am sorry that the help of physicians and medication have not seemed to be helpful. Have you tried Christian counseling?

Praying for you now.

[Mrspjsmom]

I believe we all have a purpose. We are all here to learn and grow. Perhaps part of your purpose is to experience mental illness and be a support for others like you. Another part of your purpose could be to educate others. HUGS and BLESSINGS! Always remember you are not alone.