My name is Sara, and I’m 22. I just made an account and joined this group like 20 minutes ago. I was scrolling on tiktok about a month ago and I saw a video that was talking about therapy dupes lol I’m a broke college student so therapy without the therapy money? Sign me up. Of course, he said it was support groups and went on a spiel about how much they help. I’ve been too nervous to sign up and am very anxious typing this up now. I’ve been having it really tough lately.
I think I’ve been depressed ever since I was a kid. I used to fantasize about dying, and then I started to fantasize about killing myself. Life has always been difficult for me and as a kid I just knew that it would only grow to get worse and I remember thinking I’m gonna fuck myself up if I let myself live. I’d sit with a knife and I’d drive it in me until it felt like I was gonna break, I never followed through though I was always too much of a coward. But now, I think about it everyday and I wish with everything in me that I’d have died when I was young. The want for that is stronger than anything I’ve felt yet. Now, I would never kill myself because my cousin already did and it showed me how much it affected everyone. I can’t do that to my family, it wouldn’t be ending my pain, it would just be transferring it. But I am so angry and my biggest regret is not killing myself when I was younger. They’d have been over it by now if I had.
Somewhere along the way, I became an expert at not actually feeling my feelings. I’d be zoned out, not thinking about anything, or I’d be reading and not thinking about me, or I’d just be completely numb. Recently, my emotions have been hard to escape.
I isolate myself from everyone because I could never try and tell anybody anything. I feel like my heaviness is a little too heavy for others, or like my darkness is a little too dark to share. I have this persona that I show everyone, I’m like the funny carefree person & I feel like to let anybody in is to show them I’ve been lying to them for years. I feel guilty when I answer their questions and tell them I’m doing great. I go through my days feeling so heavy and everything is harder, smiling, acting like I’m happy, conversing, just acting like an all around good person. I have a little sister that’s really young and she tries to talk to me but I am so irritable and I snap at her for no reason. She’s just looking for connection and i’m being so horrible to her. It makes me hate myself so much.
I don’t know when my anxiety came into the picture but I’ve been struggling extra with that. I’m so tired, it’s like I can never catch a break. Even when I’m trying to relax, I can never stop feeling this bubble of worry in chest. I was trying to go to the bookstore the other day. I couldn’t get out of my car, I was too scared and too anxious. It felt like there was a pit in my chest that would grow every time I took a breath and I just sat there and started crying because I didn’t know I let my shit get that bad. So I am here because I am trying to find, I don’t know, some help? Maybe some emotional support??
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bookishly
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I know the feeling! I get you so much. And/but, the first thing I want to say is that, no, your family absolutely would not be over it by now, had you actually committed suicide. Not at all, You are absolutely correct that you would just be transferring your pain and problems along to others. You are a very good person for considering how your death would affect your family, friends, and who knows who else. That is true strength.
I know it feels unbearable, but you just have to keep trying. Try to find a way to love yourself, even just a tiny bit. Try to find a way to detach from the thoughts! Even if you do so only for a minute. And, keep looking for solutions. Everyone needs to find what works for them, as evidenced by this site. You will find something. You will find relief. Keep exploring. You are going to have some amazing times ahead, and you need to stick around for them. You will have more hard days ahead. And, then some more amazing days.
One of the best things I have learned is using the breath to change my mood. Somedays it will just take the edge off a tiny bit, and some days it totally helps me get my feet on the ground. Exercise, exercise, exercise. Eat well, drink lots of water.
Try the support group. Learn all you can about any healing modality that catches your eye. And, when ever possible, try to be of service to others. I teach, and when I am in the classroom I am free from depression.
Thank you for that. I’ve read this over and over again and it has been comforting each time. I really appreciate it, it feels like you gave my heart a hug.
I’ve tried time and time again to do some self help, get myself better and healthy. I’ve done it too many times to count. And it has worked, I’d get better and think I’m actually doing good now only for something to pull me back down. It felt like the better I get on the way up, the worse I get on the way down. It was like a cycle and becoming happy started to feel dangerous, like I was dooming my future self. It felt like I was losing either way and then I think I just became too exhausted to keep trying. I can’t promise that I will do it but you made me want to try. I never really believed that telling others about your struggles would help you but your words meant a lot to me and I can see the truth in it now. Something in that did help, a lot in that helped. Thank you. ❤️
I was definitely sending you some big heart flowers and hugs! I know how hard it is to suffer from the inside! Ugh! And, I totally understand that cycle and fearing feeling good, only to have the depression come back. There is going to be a moment in your future when you are so grateful that you stayed on board to experience it. Just keep working, learning about all the different approaches, and trying them sincerely. You are SO not alone!
My precious friend, you don’t lack courage. The courageous thing is that you don’t give up, even though you may feel miserable, backed into a corner, or feeling no hope. Are you safe? If you have thoughts of hurting yourself, wanting to die, or a plan- go to the emergency room, or tell a friend/ family member or call suicide hotline: 988 if in the U.S. I wish I had the right words… you sound like a kind, sensitive soul.
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