The lonely cycle

[ekhctohct]

I've struggled with anxiety and depression my entire life but I spent most of my 20s using drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism. I still have some substance abuse issues but the more I deal with those the more overwhelming the depression and anxiety is. I can't seem to keep my home clean or up on all my adult responsibilities. I can't even get off the couch many days.

I can't seem to connect with any of my friends anymore. Everybody is living their lives and has a partner, roommate, pet, child... I live alone and I am so depressed and have been such a recluse I have nothing to say to anyone anymore. I've let so many texts and calls go unanswered I feel like it's too much to try and get back in contact with anyone.

I've been a bad friend and I don't feel like I have anyway to explain it without blabbing to everyone about my depression... and for the most part they've all already heard it. I've let a lot of the people in my life in on how down I've been and they listen but they don't really understand and now I just feel like a broken record. I wish I could just call each friend and not even have to say a word and just have them tell me all about their lives and what's been going on so I can avoid the dreaded personal questions.

How do you repair all the relationships you damaged by seeming like an uncaring friend... how do you tell people how you are without being a liar or a downer... I just don't know what to tell people anymore. People always ask if I'm better than the last time we talked... not really.

[IncognitoC]

I too wonder how to repair broken relationships and for the same reasons. Nearly 15 years of drug misuse and after ending up in prison I shut everyone out. Now I sit alone trying to find myself again.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

I can somewhat relate. Though I never abused drugs or alcohol. I did live a reclusive life as a teenager. Most of my friends. I met them online. And when my friends would call up and want to vent about things that happened to them. They would say things like oh, I don't want to depress you or I don't want to bring you down. I'm sure you have your own problems etc. But my reply was always the same to them. I tell them I rather listen to their problems and their stories rather than my own demons.

And there came a point in my life where anxiety was a background character. I was traveling and doing things. I felt very much like an adult. It was freeing. To finally be able to feel like a real adult. And then I had a relapse in my anxiety caused by a medical issue. And it's been tough trying to get back. Because like you said all my friends have continued on with their lives. Two of them have gotten married and one moved into a house. And at the time I was really down cuz I felt I was working towards that and then this happened. However, my partner and I eventually got her own house. Now dealing with the stressors of owning a home. But I still get a bit lonely because my friends live more exciting lives than I do. I'm like a housewife. My vacuum. I clean up the home. My partner goes to work. My friend is a teacher and his partner teaches children to play piano and works for his dad's orchestra. My other friend she's a teacher and her husband is a security guard. But they're traveling. They're doing things. Especially my friends who live in New York. They have a band. And I can't help but feeling a bit of FOMO.

And my best friend recently told me that she's going to move out of the city and to a different city. Now. I won't have anyone here. And that sucks.

And I try really hard to see if I can connect with them. I do my best to call my best friend every Thursday after she gets out of work. And talk with her for a bit. It is hard for me to say I'm sorry that my situation caused some issues in our friendship. Because they moved into their house over 4 years ago and I have never been there. And now they're going to move soon. I know she'll tell me it's okay and that she understands. But I don't think she understands the guilt that I feel.

It is hard for people to understand depression. Cuz most have the sense that they think is just your sad. And if you think happy thoughts, you won't be sad anymore. But it's not like that.

I guess the best thing you can really do is try to reach out and try your best at conveying your apologies for seeming to be out of it. And even with that I know that's hard. I myself am not the best speaker. But I think if your friends are really your friends, they'll be understanding and be a bit empathetic towards you.

And with the depression you just have to try your best around the house. Even if it's a little things, give yourself credit for it. Like you got up and took a shower that deserves a pat on the back. If you brushed your teeth and you haven't done it in like 3 days. That deserves a pat on the back. Cuz it ain't easy. But don't speak too harshly to yourself. You can only do the best you can do.

And I wish you all the best ❤️🫂

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

My top 3 are "Smile a bit more even if you don't feel like it." "Just don't think about it." And "You gotta think positively."

Like Gee, why didn't I think of that. I'm cured! *Sarcasm* 🙄

Some folks do get depressed or a "funk" but for them it last only a couple of days or maybe weeks after a breakup back in highschool. They think that is the way it is for everyone. Same for anxiety. People think oh your shy or just nervous. It's more than that. And it's different for everyone. Same for depression.

Sounds like your hubby may need to educate himself on depression. It's not just laying in bed crying all day. It's also being able to go to work, socialize with co workers, laugh at stupid jokes, come home and talk with the family all while on the inside you feel completely numb and indifferent.

[012703060610]

This resonates with me as well. I had a pretty traumatic three years including a move away from everyone, becoming disabled and getting very isolated. My health is so unpredictable. Throw on that my entire support structure is across the country....I feel SO alone. I am married with three kids and I do need to put on that happy face. It pains me to do so and there are times my kids see me at my worst. I can't hide everything. People slowly drifted away over the past three years and some friendships I terminated due to toxicity....which felt really good. My circle is small and yes I wish I had some friends locally to support and help....but I have to deal with things day by day. It is shocking though to see friends leave. I sent a letter to everyone with a year end holiday family update and it included my health and the struggles were are having with finding care and getting the right care plan in place. It talked about each of us and what we are up to...so it wasn't just about me. I barely heard from anyone. Then when I try to reach out and ask about my friends....saying nothing about myself....I still barely get a response. I don't wish my mental and physical illness on anyone. If a friend ever falls the way in which I have, kind of spiraling out of control, I know in my heart I'll still be there through thick and thin. Maybe it's because I understand. I guess unless you suffer from various illnesses you truly don't understand how hard it is.

[Botum5961]

I know how you feel…I think

[Downinil]

It’s very difficult to explain how we feel. If someone hasn’t experienced depression, I mean clinical depression, they won’t know how to answer. So many people I try to explain it to tell me, “ I feel depressed but I do this or that and I’m fine.” It doesn’t work like that for a lot of people. Like they say, don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in their moccasins.”