Regretting motherhood

[Asperanza]

I am a new mom who never really wanted to be a mom, I chose to have a baby because I loved my partner and they wanted a baby and that made me want one. Now that I’m in the thick of it I feel regret, resentment, and jealousy. My partners life hardly changed but my whole existence is different and I want nothing more than to take it all back. Of course I can’t and I do absolutely love my baby but feel so trapped in a life I don’t want. I repel broken, am lashing out, angry, sad, and tired all the time. I don’t know what to do

[Boston001]

As a guy I know I don't know the half of it. My ex went thru postpartum depression with my oldest daughter. The lack of sleep, crying baby, extra laundry, changing diapers, and making formula and bottle washing. Being a first-time parent is a shock. You have to insist that your partner take some of the load from you, Night time feeding and changing, you need this rest, unless they are a brain surgeon or something, sharing the interrupted sleep isn't going to get them fired.

[Hidden]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I know how difficult it is being a new mom. It’s supposed to be a joyous time (and it is) but nothing can prepare you for your world to be forever changed overnight the way a baby can. Sleep deprivation compounds the sadness and anger. My first born was a premature baby, had colic, cried 24/7 and had to be fed every 2 hours. At 4 weeks old, I picked him up out of his crib at 2 AM, he wouldn’t eat, I woke up my husband, handed him a screaming crying baby, told him I don’t like this baby, don’t want this baby, and we need to get rid of him. (Yes I actually said that and can’t believe those words came out of my mouth!). Got in my car and drove around for hours crying sure that my life was ruined. That’s what sleep deprivation did to me. Your partner’s life should be just as upside down as yours is right now. They wanted this baby so they need to help. It’s a double duty deal. I know you love your baby and believe your frustration could be from lack of sleep or postpartum depression. Talk to your doctor, let them know exactly how you’re feeling. Reach out to a counselor if possible and insist your partner participate in the counseling to understand their responsibilities. It does get better with time but you and your partner need to be on the same page with the responsibilities so you can get more sleep. Hang in there!

[Focusedmind]

I 100% agree with the other two replies above. Sleep deprivation is the worse part of being a new mom; postpartum depression is normal, and you need help from your partner. I also know that it does become easier as time passes. See if your partner can do a middle-of-the-night feeding and help with diaper changing. See if friends or family can watch your child and give you or both of you time away from the baby.

Ask questions of your doctor. Go to Mommy groups and ask questions of new moms. Ask questions of everyone about how they got through this awful period because it does get better, I promise!

[CLB1125]

I agree with everyone else. My oldest son was lactose intolerant and formula gave him constipation and we spent a lot of sleepless night while he cried in agony. It’s tiring and trying. You need help from your partner. Like the others said, they need to help you. And talk to your doctor post partium depression is real and can get really bad if not treated. I wish you and your baby well.

[hypercat54]

Yes I agree with the others. It is essential your partner is on board with looking after the baby as well. Tell him he wanted the baby after all so he needs to do his share.

How about sorting out an agreement with him? Eg on his days off he can do the night feed and let you sleep. Also when he is in tell him (don't ask) that you are going out for a while. Go for a walk and clear your head. Ask a friend to go for a coffee or something.

It's essential you have breaks as no one can ignore their own needs too long without cracking up.

Do you also have family who can help out? Good luck.

[012703060610]

I am so sorry. I have been there myself with my second. I got pregnant just 4 months after giving birth. I couldn't understand my feelings, but I felt as if the second was somehow stealing time away from me with my first as she turned 1. Now I had a partner willing to help out....I was the one working though so it made sense. I remember finally confessing my thoughts to my Mom who knew exactly what to do and say. I immediately found care and started an antidepressant. I waited to have kids and no matter what age, you really can't prepare yourself for the entire process. Your life is not yet ruined. The early years are the hardest....well I expect until my girls get to be teens. Having kids will have its ups and downs just like most things and relationships in life. I remember wishing I could turn back time and not even had gotten married. Your partner should be helping more, but I don't want to pass on full judgement as I am not there to understand your dynamics. For a short period, my husband at the time was working nights and I was working days/traveling. Shortly after having the second he realized we needed him to not work. I can reflect back though on me doing the working and him being home. It was never perfect and was hard....but I pretty much took over weekends so he could rest. We were both exhausted but we each had some time away for recharge. I think getting a few full nights of sleep without waking can change your entire world. We didn't have family around but eventually found a nanny we worked with part time, I can remember having her come over just so I could nap. She was just retired and was a Grandma. She is still in our lives today a decade later.

Be kind to yourself. You've got major hormone fluctuations. I am also not to say that you have post partum either....that should be a discussion with your doctor. In your wellness check ups with the baby, I remember always being asked "how I was doing" which made a ton of sense. Mom needs to be sane to manage it all. I remember feeling ashamed to talk to the doctor about my feelings. By the time I had my third, years later....I proactively started an anti depressant as soon as I birthed. We all figured I was prone to it happening again and I didn't want to end up in that dark place. For my third, I was keenly aware of what to do and how to manage a baby, but I also wasn't rested. Starting the med early probably stopped me from a total meltdown and collapse.

Sending good thoughts your way. Just remember you deserve some time for yourself and you can't do it all. If the house is a mess, who cares. Make it your comfort environment. I never followed the advice to rest when the baby was napping....boy do I wish I would have. Instead I would go into clean up the house mode. Nobody cared what the house looked like, but I put that pressure on myself. Virtual hug.

[b1b1b1]

I also agree with all of the previous posts. My main feeling is that it absolutely does get easier, but it takes a couple of years. Until then, see a psychiatrist, get help from your husband and go easier on yourself. I went back to work when my son was six months old. That also helped a lot as it made me feel more like my old self.