Mixed feelings about motherhood

[MandyBueno]

hey community! I decided to title this " mixed feelings about motherhood" simply because it just sums it all up. So, I have been married it's gonna be 4 years and me and my husband dated for another year on top of that, so we have been together for a total of almost five years. I love him, dearly. He is a great man and he exceeds all of my expectations. I would say we have a good relationship ( not perfect) but definitely a very loving relationship. I will be turning 27 years old in December and he is 31. And of course, the topic of having children causually comes up. Whether it is someone else that asks us or we just end up talking about it. I have to say my husband does not pressure me into having children any time soon ( which helps) and I'm also going through school. However I know he is gonna want children someday. As the years goes by I feel like I get closer and closer to this day, and I have always thought that someday, I would magically wake up feeling ready to become a mother, but that day has never arrived and honestly, I fear that it won't. Now, don't get me wrong I love children, I have worked with children. They are sweet, and cute. And I totally understand why people have them. And every now and then I get a little baby fever whenever I see a little baby in a passing stroller, or watch an Instagram reel of a baby laughing etc... but nothing has convicted me. To be honest, motherhood , in my opinion, it's the greatest act of selflessness one can make, and I will explain you why. From the moment a woman gets pregnant, her nutrients, her vitality, her body , it's just not her own. I have had friends who had a cracked tooth, or severe anemia because their nutrients all went towards the fact that they were growing a baby inside them. Then, you give birth, and you don't feel like yourself, and your body changes and your schedule changes, and you have to take care of that brand new human full-time and be functioning on little to no sleep, whilst trying to find time for yourself. The simple task of washing your own hair, seems quite impossible to accomplish and you wonder if your life will ever be the same again. You find yourself not having quality time with your partner and you're busy trying to figure out what the heck parenting is all about. Then it's not just the two of you anymore. You can't just book a hotel room, hit the road on a long road trip to unwind, without planning every aspect of it. Will this kid be okay on a long road trip? Do we need to go somewhere more kid friendly? Do we get a baby sitter?.... it just seems like your freedom is gone. And no matter what people say, to me, frankly, it's just plain scary. I say that because I know women who had flat out said " I love my children, but I regret having them." And it sounds awful!!!! Just awful!!! What I'm trying to say is, I don't want motherhood to be a box that needs to be checked ✔️ because it is too serious, and it is a commitment that at least to me, it can be more serious than even getting married. There is no turning back. This is the scary part to me. As much as I am curious to hold a baby of my own, and watch my husband be a dad, and watch my parents be grandparents and experience their little milestones. I am also not ready to let some things go. I love my independence, I love my sleep, I love my me time 💆🏼‍♀️, I love the little routine me and my husband have. I love that we can do, and go anywhere we want without having to worry. I just love this. And as time goes by, I get more and more stressed out, not knowing what to do. And I say to myself " Amanda, people do it every single day, this is life! You get married and you have kids, that's part of life ." But I cannot bring myself to it. And I feel bad.

[LifeIsThePitts]

There is nothing to feel bad about if you want to have kids... or not. 😉It's a personal choice that should be taken seriously, especially these days with economic inflation and instability, climate change and political upheaval on a global scale.

Congratulations on getting your degree. You're intelligent and insightful and have a wonderful marriage with a supportive husband. Don't let society or culture or religion or family push you into a life long commitment that may, or may not, be the proper choice for your lifestyle and ideals.

I'm almost 50 and by the time I was 20, I KNEW that I wouldn't have children of my own by choice. The thought of being a parent wasn't my calling and I'm still in 100% agreement with my younger self.

My husband and I have been together for 30+ years and married almost 25. We are our own Masters Of Destiny 😉 he's definitely my "Better Half" and we have conquered plenty of challenges in our 3 decades together. I don't regret my choice in the slightest. We're going to be retired long before we're 65+ with total freedom to travel with dispensable income and ZERO debt. I don't know anyone else our age in stable financial comfort as we currently are in this economy. I seriously doubt I'd ever be able to retire if we had multiple grown kids to support at home because they can't afford to move out even with college degrees.

A cashier at trader Joe's has a son that graduated with his bachelor's degree and still works as a cashier with his mom. He can't survive financially on his own. He makes more money with better insurance on his trader Joe's income than if he took an entry level job in his career field. He's going to get his PhD or doctorate while still living at home with his parents and he's 24.

Life has choices and consequences.

I heard from friends and relatives for decades that eventually I'd want several kids of my own. Nope! As life continued on, my decision was strongly reinforced as the years rolled by. I never wanted to be that parent that says behind my kid's backs that ..."I love my kids with all my heart, but I wish I'd never had them."

I'm going through perimenopause now and I thought maybe the end of my reproductive years would perhaps trigger remorse over losing the ability to procreate. Nope! I'm fully exasperated and irritated at the disruption that the physical symptoms of this 5+ year physical transition on the female brain and body pummel us with after decades of bleeding every month. I just want perimenopause to finish. I'll pray to whatever god will deliver me from this hellishness to full menopause, TBH. Farewell Aunt Flow !! I NEVER needed your monthly visitation 😠

Just saying... don't beat yourself up. There's TONS of reasons for having kids as well as not having them. Don't cheat yourself or your potential progeny out of what you believe is right for your Life. Whatever path you choose...1,2,3+ or 0 kids...dedicate yourself to it 100% and you'll never regret YOUR decision, as long as it is truly your CHOICE 🙂 and nobody else's

[gettingsomewhere in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

What a marvellous reply!

[gettingsomewhere]

Hi

Well my reply to you would be that you are still young and have plenty of time to think about having children. Thanks to modern technology and improvements in maternity care you can have children well into your thirties and even forties.

In the meantime enjoy your life, do all the things you want to do. I think it'll come to you when the time is right or not. Either way do what's best for you and your husband.

I had my first at 31 described by the NHS "geriatric"! Both my daughter and daughter in law are older then I was when they had their children.

Tbh there is never a "right" time.

[Uwharrieriver3944]

I have three grown adult daughters and I'm actually having an issue with one of them right now so you are right it is forever children never go away and you sometimes have issues with them and when they are little it is also the best and worst of everything which someone told me one time it's true you get a lot of highs and some hard things illness broken alarms it all just comes with the territory but I would never ever want to go back and not have kids it is all been worth it and it's your family one day you will really be happy that you have your own family there's so many Lonely People but yes you do sacrifice some things like trips but we learn to go on trips with other couples who had kids and get a grandparent to babysit Etc I don't feel like I missed out on anything I'm so happy I am a mother even though I'm having a problem now at the moment I'm 67 I never really analyzed any of the stuff that you're analyzing which is good because you know what you're getting into but I still have never regrets I have so many great wonderful memories they were the best times of my whole life even though my first husband and I got divorced I still look back very fondly on my children's childhood all the friends we made in the neighborhood and the things that we did together and vacations and I have no regrets

[LifeIsThePitts]

Don't talk yourself into doing what everyone around you wants or expects you to do in Life. You've only got one chance at this game...make absolutely sure it's the right life decision that meets your needs and goals.

Amanda, people do it every single day, this is life! You get married and you have kids, that's part of life ."

You shouldn't have to say this to yourself to CONVINCE yourself that you should have a baby in order to achieve a fulfilling life. I really believe you will know what you truly want when the time comes 🫂💓

[Dogcatnomaybehopeso]

I would think of how you would feel at 50 if you had never had a child. And how would you feel in your 60’s when so many of your friends are grandparents.

[Hidden]

Hi Mary, I'm older than you, but went through the same feelings. It's just such an awesome resposibility, and there's no guarantee of anything. I could never bring myself to be brave enough to do it. I love children; would rather be around them than adults. Finally, I just timed out & was too old to have any. Now I'm older & think = who'se going to look out for me when I'm old? Now, I;ve seen kids who fall all over themselves taking care of Mom, and others who abandon them, don't care, and just want inheritance. Sounds like the whole thing is one big gamble, and some like to gamble & others don't. I hope you're able to make the right decision for yourself. Maybe talking to some kind of professional would help you decide. Sounds like there's great joy in watching your kids grow and develop, brings you closer to family and friends,,,,Good luck....

[jadeite11]

Hi Mandy, firstly have you tried talking to your partner about this, you might find he feels the same as you. Also I think you need to be really honest with yourself. There is so much pressure on women to have children and nowadays there are more women choosing not to have children. From what you have said maybe you are not ready yet. I never wanted children. I can tell you have heard alot of horror stories about birth etc, but have you seen the other side of children, they can bring you alot of joy too. I think its worth keeping an open mind. Always be honest with yourself, you dont have to do anything to please others always remember that. Its really important. At least you are being very sensible about it all. I hope you find the support you need in your partner, you should be able to talk to each other about this too.. I wish you well, whatever you decide