New Years blues!!!

[lovedogs51511]

I'm housebound and scared shitless to leave my apt. I don't want to be negative but I'm not hoping for a good year at all. The last 44 years have been living depressed, full of anxiety etc. I do feel cursed by something not sure what it is yet. Its hard to feel happy or hopeful cause life never gets any better. Again I'm super sorry to have been so negative. I know everyone's going to have fun tonight. I'm just stuck in life and have been very suicidal. Happy New Years everyone😀

[ComingUpRoses]

It's ok. I understand you. I've been living with depression for 20 years out of my 31. Most of the time I see no point in continuing because there's so much hurt, pain, and ugly in the world. But sometimes I try to tell myself there's many little moments that make it worth being here. The taste of your favorite food; a beautiful, warm, sunny say; hearing the birds singing in spring; spending time with someone that makes you laugh until you cry; reading a book that immerses you so much you're unaware of how much time has gone by; listening to music that speaks to your soul. I love the outdoors and looking forward to spring helps get me through the depression of winter even.

Without these little moments, life would be completely ugly. These are what make it beautiful. Mind you thinking of these things do not help me all the time. There's lots of times I'm too down and out and it doesn't matter. And I'll be home by myself tonight too, but it's ok. I'd rather go to bed early lol.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to ComingUpRoses]

Lol that's all I want right now is to sleep and praying I don't wake up tomorrow. Like you in going to bed asap!!! The one and only thing I want and need is a dog. Haven't had one since my previous awesome dog Cheyenne.I havent been well since her passing away. I went everywhere with her 24 7!! Haven't had a dog in like 6 years. Very depressed cause I don't have a dog to love which would probably be a cure to my sadness. Thanks for the nice message. Your very kind and caring!!! Happy new years

[b1b1b1 in reply to lovedogs51511]

Get a dog. You can get one from a shelter, already neutered, at virtually no cost.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to b1b1b1]

Oh I'm planning on getting a new furry friend in like 6 months I think. I've got to find apt and some CNA training courses then get a new best friend.

[Lexica02 in reply to lovedogs51511]

They are non judgmental and love unconditionally. I’m sitting with mine right now. This is the first time she is sitting with me in a few days and it does feel good. My dog is not a cure but a friend that makes everything seem better

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Lexica02]

I'm so sad without a furry friend. You said it perfectly! I know that's what I need to deal with life. I just love making fresh dog treats, feeding her carrots and other goodies. I love when you bring home a new toy and to see how happy they are. I'm soooo jealous cause your dog is sitting with you!! Hopefully soon I will be doing the same. How's your night so far?

[metalminded in reply to lovedogs51511]

Hi again! You might be able to get a therapy dog a lot quicker! I have a friend at work who's teenage daughter is going through a lot and she was able to get a therapy dog pretty quickly.

You need a friend (besides those of us here) so you don't sit home alone and have all these thoughts and no one to turn to.

I hope you can find a furry friend quickly! Until then, someone here will be there for you.

You are more than welcome to message me to "talk" I kind of get your problem as I had something very similar, which you know from the message I sent you.

Take care of yourself!!!

[lovedogs51511 in reply to metalminded]

Thanks so much for such a sweet message. I'm moving to southern Utah and will get a furry best friend in a few months. I love this site because so many nice and caring ppl seem to be willing to help any way they can. Its been really helpful!!😀Yeah I'm here if you want to chat too.

[metalminded in reply to lovedogs51511]

You're very welcome! That's great!

Thank you!! I appreciate that very much!!

[Dennison in reply to lovedogs51511]

yup, I remember before starting my meds, I didn't want to kill myself. I just wanted to pass away in my sleep. But I started my meds and things have been so much better since better, not all sunshine and rainbows, but now I can cope with life and actually enjoy some moments of my life at times.

Could you get a dog again? I too believe that would help you. However, if you're like I use to be, It would have been very difficult to take care of an animal because I could barely take care of myself. But then I just said F it and got myself a Yorkie! Best decision ever. Maybe you could too? Hypoallergenic pups are great! Even if you don't have allergies, someone, you know might or someone you meet might, so these kind of pups are awesome!

I don't know if you take meds if you've been living like this for 44 years I'm assuming you might have. But if you have before maybe you could try a new med? I'm glad I did, it really probably saved my life. It could do the same for you.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Can you call a crisis hotline? We are close in age. I feel like I constantly take one step forward and 2 steps back. Then when I think I’m on track, BAM it knocks me on my tail again. I choose to live for the good days. I too love dogs. My dog is my best friend. I feed off her sweet energy. Her calmness when she sleeps in my lap. Then her excitement when she gets a treat. I rarely leave my house unless I absolutely have to do it. I’m so sorry you feel like their is no hope. I chose hopeful in my name because I live for hope that one day it will get better. I hope you can get some help. I wish I could help you more. I have to get ready for my one night a week job. My baby steps to getting better. I’ll be here to talk though anytime just please don’t give up. I don’t know your situation but I truly believe there is always hope. Please call someone. I’ll check in later. If you need a friend you got it! We care, I care and YOU DESERVE it! I fully understand. I truly do I’m just really tired of this so very slowly trying to do something different. Not very well but baby steps I guess.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Oh thanks for sending such a cool message!!! Yeah we do have a lot in common. Tell me more about your best friend. She sounds like a really awesome dog!!! I lost my best friend about 8 years ago. Had Cheyenne for 14 years. It breaks my heart knowing she's not here anymore. I tell her good morning and goodnight everyday. I guess that sounds weird but its because she was my best friend too. I don't need ppl I just want another sweet dog like my lab-shepherd was. I went with her everywhere. I've been really depressed cause she was my rock. Without her feels like I died too. As you said one step forward a million steps back!! I really don't have any expectations for 2018. I'm jobless, no car, no license. I've got no friends here in Vegas. I'm just so alone everyday for the past 44 years. It took me a lot to get my license and pay for the car I had but only 2 damn months I had seizure driving. God I so wish I could of died. That's why I am hopeless. 45 and broke with nothing to live for. I'm very sick and tired of having to get up one more day!!! Where's your job? Your more than just kind, caring, supportive compassionate. You really helped me by just sending a message. Thanks a bunch for taking the time to write it. Your awesome and you deserve good things in 2018!!!!😀😀😀😀😀😀

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to lovedogs51511]

I work in a small gas station near my house. I started nursing school in high school. I worked in the hospital for 14 years and ended up disabled from a car accident that put me in a coma with both legs, arms, hip, face etc fractured. Ruptured spleen etc. I went from basketball practice to a coma. Breaking records in basketball and softball to a wheelchair. I also lost my child. After I quit at the hospital due to my disability I was a substitute teacher for 7 years. Then it just got too much. It was nice because I could work when I wanted. Then several years not working. I need out of this house but have no friends. So I got a very part time job. If you go to a therapist and psychiatrist you can get disability. That would help you get a car. To get on your feet. As you get your CNA license and a job you can eventually get back to working. Seizures, mental health both can get you a job. I’m here to talk anytime. I could help you.

So, my furry friend. I have a 14 year old dachshund rescue dog. My little hot dog. She is in my lap or my bed etc 24/7 unless I go somewhere she can’t come which is very very rare. I don’t leave my house. My job is a baby step in trying to do that. Tater Tot my baby is 14. She has CHF. Congestive heart failure. She has been the best dog I have ever had pretty much. I have had a lot of dogs in my 46 years. She is just awesome. So sweet but also protective. She sleeps with me and on my lap and I feed off her energy. It’s getting closer to the end and that is causing me panic. My son has a yorkie/beagle mix puppy that I keep. She is so sweet. Her puppy excitement is awesome. Sometimes a little too awesome. I haven’t dealt with potty training in years. I taught the puppy how to give hugs though. She is so smart!!! I say I need a hug and she will jump up and put her paws on each side of my neck on my shoulders and lay her head down. Talk about love! Oh my goodness! I cry a lot and my Tater Tot is not a licker which I like but she will climb up and lay her face on mine. It’s unconditional love and judgement free. Dachshunds like Tater Tot also have a life expectancy of 17-18 years when healthy. Smaller dogs have longer life spans. I’ve already been researching dog traits for my next dog. I want the longest living dog. Dachshunds are up there at the top and very smart as is the mini yorkie/beagle mix. I think a calmer dog is good for me. My son is 23 and if he moves out I could not live with out a dog and he would be taking Athena with him. The pain of losing them is truly awful. The blessings though far out weigh that. If you have mental health problems and especially seizures you would qualify for a therapy dog. Then you can take her everywhere. Even stores etc. They are trained well and so very loving. You could look into that. I’m thinking about it. Often times they are rescues. We thought about getting our Athena certified. She is 4 months. Just can’t afford the training yet. Still getting puppy shots then spay and chipped. If you get a rescue it saves you almost a thousand dollars because they have shots, fixed etc. If you pick it out before they fix it you could also get it chipped. It’s very inexpensive. Our vet said 32.00 when we get her spayed.

Anyway, I’m sorry to have dragged this out. I do that. I will tell you I’m glad we met. I hope you wake up in the morning! There are big things in store for you! I know it! I have faith. Hit me up anytime you need a friend or an ear.

Bless you! Tink

[hypercat54]

No everyone is not going to have fun tonight. I for one am not in the mood to go out so am staying in like lots of other people. Don't assume everyone else's life is great apart from yours! Happy new year anyway. x

[Lexica02]

Don’t be sorry. Say how you feel don’t keep it bottled up. I’m going to be alone tonight too. Except I will have my dog with me. If having a dog helped you in the past maybe you should consider adopting one. Or maybe you can volunteer at a shelter. Knowing that homeless shelter animals look forward to human contact may help you get out

[Lilly5]

Have you tried going to a church? That is what has kept me sane and with hope through the years. The best part is that it's free!

[gogogirl]

Sorry you have had so much pain. I hope that you do get to go outside and at least experience some little moments of change. I imagine you do go out sometimes to get food or are you completely housebound. All the best to you.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to gogogirl]

Thanks gogogirl! Yeah I get out and go get groceries and to the Dr every two months. That's about it. Ppl just stare me down making me feel like dirt. I hate that and I'm trying to not give a shit what they think but it never fails and it hurts every time. Ugh. Going to my Dr tomorrow morning and everyone gives me shitty looks as if I have no right to be there. I'm soooo dreading on going. Having anxiety already just thinking about it. Hope you have a great 2018!!😀😀

[gogogirl]

Thanks for your reply. You have so much to offer I'll bet anyone would like your company.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to gogogirl]

No one has ever really talked to me. I feel like I'm a disease and ppl act and look at me strange. My face seems to scare ppl. I give up trying anymore. If someone talks to me ever I'm very shocked. I try and be very respectful and nice to ppl. I don't know what else to do. Thanks for messaging me I really appreciate it.

[gogogirl]

I hope you can reach out to people or even homeless animals- they love unconditionally and people who love animals are a special breed as you know. You are not a disease. I am looking at your picture, and you look like a very nice person with a kind smile. I will also bet that people at senior centers would love your company. Thank you for your reply.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to gogogirl]

Yeah I have worked with the elderly since she 16. I've been unemployed for almost 2 years. Rough times. Thank you for the kind words. You are very kind!!! Its funny cause I've always hung around elder ladies. I've had many neighbors that are elderly and I would water their flowers, talk with them and just assisted them with everything they needed. At least that generation had respect for others unlike my generation. At school I was always bullied and basically made fun of my whole life. I try and be opposite of those type of ppl. Thanks for being so awesome!!!!

[gogogirl]

Sorry about rough times. I have been through those myself. I hope this was not due to the recession which is still with us.You're right about the respect - I am in my sixties so I do not know if you are in that generation but I know what you mean. Sorry you were bullied- I know that that stuff sticks with people. I hope you can find other employment doing something you really find meaningful . Have you thought about pet sitting? If I sound repetitive - it's that age thing creeping up! Anyway, you sure are awesome yourself. The generation that went through WW2 and those before sure could teach others a lot.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to gogogirl]

Amen to all of what you said!!! Yeah I'm 45 in two weeks. Omg!!! I'm starting to be almost like dementia like. If I look at like a name and then try to remember a second later I can never remember it. Can't see at all anymore. Its hopeless. It shouldn't be this bad at this age. As far as pet sitting that would be a dream for me. Working with any,breed of dog would be heavenly!! And what you said about the elderly generation, there's endless stories that are just amazing. This lady I worked for was Jewish and she was telling me how she had to watch out because of being Jewish. It was so scary for her. So,interesting. She passed away,from cancer on my shift. Watching this beautiful soul pass away killed me!!! She's in heaven with her family. I was just blessed to have known her!!!

[gogogirl in reply to lovedogs51511]

How are u today? I am finally starting to turn the corner with bronchitis and asthma. Plus it's ten below!

[gogogirl]

I understand about what she said about being Jewish. You're forty five? My goodness you're young! I am over twenty years older than you. I 'll bet you'd be a great pet sitter. I did that for a while quite some time ago, and now am looking to do it again on the side. Great exercise, and the animals are awesome. And the people are interesting also. I might have asked already, and for that I apologize about repetition again- but are u in the US? You worked with the elderly- what a wonderful soul you are. Are you a nurse or CNA? Whatever you do- wow there are no words for that kind of compassion. You are a gift to humanity.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to gogogirl]

Wow that's very kind of you to say!!😀 At the moment I still live in Las Vegas. Moving in a few months to St. George Utah to be closer to parents. I have CNA certification but not sure if its still good. The only problem is that I got the 8 weeks training and then only got homecare in which I forgot everything I was taught! I'm beyond frustrated with mainly my forgetfulness. I've had 12 shock therapies for my horrible depression. Did not work at all but it fried my brain and now I can't remember a thing! My life has been nothing but failure after failure. I never get a break ever. It took me years to get my license and car and I paid big-time for all the repairs on it. Two months after getting it all worked out I ended up having a grand mal seizure driving and now I'm back riding this damn scooter I have. I'm lucky,to have the scooter tho. I'm sorry I'm rambling

[gogogirl in reply to lovedogs51511]

Sorry about the medical issues. How nice that you will be closer to your parents. No, you are not rambling at all are you kidding? I hope that you can see other specialists for the medical issues so that you can work on getting some of your life back. I hope that living closer to your folks makes a real difference in your life. You sound by the way quite articulate and not spacy. Hey, I have gone through some depression/anxiety/guilt and know what distraction is, but I have not taken meds or anything like that- just some counseling. Is there anything you can do for the effects of the shock therapy?

[lovedogs51511 in reply to gogogirl]

Yeah I will possibly begin therapy when I move to Utah. Its never worked for me but maybe I should,try. Its been way to expensive and all they ever say is "How do you feel about that...." Blah blah times up. Lol. That's awesome if you don't have to take meds. I'm to where meds are the only,thing that helps. I've got bipolar 2, ADHD, clinical depression and very severe anxiety. If I didn't take meds I get very mad, upset and beyond depressed!! Plus I have to deal with epilepsy too. I can't wait to see what the Drs in Utah can help with. The Dr I have here in Vegas is a psycho. He books 15 ppl for each 15 minutes so basically I've got to go get refills on my meds and it always takes 2 to 3 hours to just get refills only. I hate that Dr. He's a pain clinic Dr on top of being a psychiatry Dr. He's also quite the asshole excuse me I'm sorry. He just makes me upset. I've had nothing but problems with him. Other ppl hate him too!! He's the only Dr that takes Medicare/Medicaid. There's not a thing I can do about the memory loss. My memory is gone. You said you struggle with the same issues. Its hard I know to be dealing with these problems thru out life. I just want it all to go away. Be done with hurting everyday. That would be a dream!!! 😀😀 I've been sober almost 7 years. I've been a heavy drinker well horrible alcoholic and drug abuser for 28 years. That's how I used to deal with this stuff. So I know that's been affecting my memory big-time. All I can do is keep doing life minute by minute while talking with all the nice and supportive folks on this site!!😀

[gogogirl in reply to lovedogs51511]

Good that you have the goal of therapy. Sorry you have been through all of that. You are a courageous and awesome person, and a real role model including one for me. Your doctor excuse me sounds like a poor excuse so I hope that you are able to find better care . The fact that you have taken your life back to a point of being sober is amazing in itself and dealing with medical issues too boot. I have also met some amazing and forgiving folks on this site.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to gogogirl]

I can't thank,you,enough for being so very kind!!! You a such a caring, nice and supportive friend. You must have a zillion friends!! Oh your right about this Dr, He's unbelievable just in the businesd of making money versus helping ppl out. I looked him up on the internet and he's been arrested for writing bad checks, compulsive gambling and hitting on his employees!!! His name is Dr. Linden of las Vegas psychiatry. It probably still says all that. It might not be there on the internet cause it was a long time ago but it still might be there on the internet. Nobody likes him. We all bitch about him while waiting to see other Drs working for him. Well enough about him, how was your day?? Is everything ok for you?? Thanks for being so nice!! Your a such a cool person😎😀

[Maf46c]

I think you are beautiful. If YOU start loving yourself - then other people will too! And that’s a promise. I speak from experience.

[lovedogs51511]

Thanks so very much for messaging me. I agree with you and I really need to stop calling myself a freak, ugly, stupid idiot and more. That pic just turned out good but uunder that is serious sagging around my mouth causing a smokers face. Trust me its scary looking. I feel so embarrassed when I go outside. Too late now so ill need to live with,it. Thanks again for your advice.

[Shutterbug65]

i just want you to know that it’s okay. I know how you feel, I’ve had depression and anxiety for many years that has prevented me from becoming a better person. You are not alone. I have lots of fear about meeting new people and this has led to a very lonely life. All the feelings that you are experiencing I to experience.

[lovedogs51511 in reply to Shutterbug65]

Thanks for the sweet message. I don't feel so alone now cause of this site and wonderful ppl. Like you said its a lonely life. I've never been married thank God and have no kids so my life is very empty. Its all good tho. I'm doing things day by day. Hope your having a great Sunday!!! 😎😀☺