I can't... just need moral support

[vanessi]

I have been posting about my problems and feelings since last December, still it's been a very tough year. I'll be brief cos I feel I'm drowning inside. Last Wednesday was my birthday but I had a breakdown since I woke up, I felt so empty and lonely. Right now at home my mom and I are struggling with money so she didn't have enough money to do something big but she invited few relatives and made a tiny party at home, she cooked one of my fav dishes, but I was so moody to really celebrate and I was rude, then I said that was not what I was expecting and wanted. She got really upset and I hurt her feelings, then I felt bad and I apologised I was truly sorry for not appreciating what my family was doing with a lot of effort. The thing is I wasn't expecting and wanting that! I thought was gonna be different with John by my side, married and being loved by my man, that is what I really wanted since last year, and it was nothing to do with the small party or money or my family, it was cos i felt so alone and then I remembered how all my dreams disappeared since last December. Finally my mom and I fixed things up and I explained the reason why my behaviour. John texted me that morning wishing me happy birthday and that took me down as soon as I opened my eyes early that morning.

Yesterday a year ago, i arrived in Ireland with many dreams and hopes. John texted me again reminding me that! He said basically he thinks about me and our love every single day since the breakup and he apologised for the hurt caused. I reply being truly honest! I wasn't mad, i don't hate him and I said there is not day I don't think about him and I expressed my feelings, I said love is a risk and I decided to took it! The truth is I haven't recovered at all from the breakup, I just try to live without him, and there is something very true that I said to him. I am not the same woman and definitely I will never be. You guys don't have idea how many men have tried to have something with me since I'm single, but I have no time for that bullshit and I don't have eyes for anyone. I prefer to be alone.

I haven't been able to sleep properly the last few days because I have many problems in my life and I'm so stressed out that I got so broken again. I'm worried about my future, I have many things to do and little time and little money too. Problems with mom are very often. Sometimes I'd only want moral support or a word to push me to keep doing the things.

I need to make some decisions that can change my life completely and I was never good at that. Takes me a lot make an important decision

I'm so worried and scared of failing again and all my plans get ruined one more time. I feel I can't count on anyone and I'm alone on this! Should I keep taking the risk to move to Europe(that has been always my dream) or just giving up on everything and focus on doing a life here in Mexico?

I'm just crying cos I've lost the path and nothing makes me happy, I live miserably sad for almost a year.

Hope you can share your point of view

Xxx

[zevietnameseguy98]

I think if you truly want to go to Europe, then do it! Just make sure that you have a good plan of what you want to do during your time there and have everything prepared :). Pursuing your dream can make a positive effect on your life and mind. So sorry to hear about all the horrible things that happened to you. Wishing you all the best and stay strong. Good luck xoxo.

[vanessi in reply to zevietnameseguy98]

To be honest with you, I hate making plans. But I think it is what I need in my life, the only thing that freaks me out is to keep feeling in the way I do and being alone so far away from home! I think to do that I should be good mentally... but I can't feel good since last December

[JOEDEM]

Hey girl. It’s been a while since I responded to your posts, I got a new phone and stopped using what’s app too where we used to talk. The struggle is real, keep pushing on. I know it feels hopeless and you are still hurting.

Like I said before, if your dream is to go to Europe and live and work there, then go for it. Just know that what you think you want now might change...and that’s OK. If you try Europe and it doesn’t work, well at least you tried and have that experience. It sounds like a change of scenery might do you good.

We all like to plan things out and then have everything go according to plan. It almost NEVER happens like that though. Maybe if you just go to Europe and don’t have any grand plan, the plan will just happen for you. It’s hard for us when we have anxiety and depression, because we like stability and we don’t like curveballs. So how about your plan being just getting Europe, and then leave yourself open to options after that. I know talked about being a translator too, so keep all your options open. You could still come to the States and do that no problem too.

[vanessi in reply to JOEDEM]

Sometimes I think I will be able to do it and change my life, sometimes I think I won't. With all the anxiety and depression I have I don't know if I could stand it. I'm so confused but at the same time if I stay here I'll keep doing what I have been doing during this time! I don't want that life for myself forever. I was a little bit stronger as I used to be before my last relationship I would be in Europe some time ago. At the same time I can't control my feelings. One day I say "yes, I'll do it " at night think "what am I supposed to do if I feel really sad, depressed, lonely and homesick and being so far away from my family"

I'm very scared...

[gogogirl]

Well, do you have a job waiting in Europe? You certainly do not want to be jobless and homeless in a strange country. At least you have family and a place to live in Mexico. Check out your options. Good luck!

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

Actually if i go to Europe is cos i have a job waiting for me! That is what I'm working on it to be able to get the job!

The thing is I don't know if I will be able to keep it when i am there cos the depression and anxiety. Being so far away from home and alone in a strange country can be a challenge. With John things were easier cos at least I knew someone worried about me, looked after me and loved me, so I felt like kind of safe and more confident to adapt. Had his family over there and some of his friends who always helped me and were with me when he was at work! Now things are completely different.

Before the relationship I felt I could do everything I wanted, that I was strong and being in Europe was gonna be "easy" talking about adapt myself. Now I'm not confident at all and scared but if I don't do it I feel I will stuck in the past and the depression.

[gogogirl]

I think you are answering your own questions. Why is it so important to go to Europe and be alone? Of course you would miss everyone- that is quite a trade off. I know people who studied in Europe when they were in college, but that was a temporary situation, and they were with other students.

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

Because 1. It has been always my dream

2. That is why i studied for

3. I can grow profesionally

4. I absolutely need to change my life

I was never afraid of living in a different country, but i've been through bad times and depression that i lost confidence

[gogogirl]

Well.... only you can answer that- sometimes indecision is tough. What does your family think as well as your college counselors? So.... you have a job waiting for you- if so that's great! Only you can make the decision, and it does not have to be for forever.

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

I'm not in college anymore I graduated more than 2 years ago! I have a degree in languages: English, French and Spanish and I want to keep improving to become a translator one day! Nothing and no one ties me up here because my siblings live in Canada, they've been living there for ages, they are also Canadian residents. My mom is planning to move to Canada soon too. That is what the decision of moving to Europe. I'm not a little girl anymore, I should be brave and I always was, right now the depression has taken me down

[gogogirl]

Also, do you know anybody where you are intending to live?

[vanessi in reply to gogogirl]

I have some friends in Europe, near where I'm planning to move but not the same city