I want to give up

[Gandolfication]

Over about the past month, I have spiraled into severe anxiety and depression. I've struggled to get out of bed and sometimes haven't. It has affected by work as a lawyer, my family/kids and the relationship with my girlfriend. I feel abandoned by my family (which isn't quite true or fair, but also isn't completely imagined). My Dr. and therapist have been of little to no help. The website I used to post on, DepressionForums.org seems to have closed sadly, because it was good. I feel like dying all day, every day. I'm going to try to act opposite emotion, do the things I know I need to, and just get through.

[Curry223]

I’m so sorry you feel this way. You are not alone! I would recommend taking some time off from work and focusing on your mental state. I also recommend switching therapist if you fee they aren’t helping! You are in control of your own life, all it takes is a little push! Good luck

[Starrlight]

No one should have to feel that way and I’m sorry you do … i can relate to it today as nothing is calming me down from my fears in the back of my mind and anxiety is distorting my mind although I’m trying to find the way out of anxiety. I will be patient.

It sounds like your depression may be the bigger part of the problem or is it the anxiety harder to bear or are they so intertwined that it’s always both at once that you experience?

Are you in therapy or on meds?

[Starrlight]

I just wanted to add that you are not alone and that after every difficulty comes ease and it will be ok. I don’t know if you are spiritual or not but trusting in God (or trusting in the process of life can help ease the pain and find hope).

[Gandolfication]

Thanks for all that. Wow, I was not expecting responses, let alone so quickly. Seems I may have found a good new community; (which was part of what got me on here today as my old dearly beloved one appears to have shut down).

I really needed to hear some of this from some people who I'm sure understand it.

I'll eventually go back to the one really good therapist I've had, who is also my former law professor. She doesn't do insurance, so I had to stop. I'll start a new anxiety medication tonight or tomorrow too. Anxiety is the worst part for me. Depression just seems like a part of life I can deal with in some ways, and I've never found any medication that helps with that.

I wish I could take time off - I kind of already did that by simply taking mental health days unfortunately in bed, and avoiding things restlessly and anxiously. Now I have to try to pick up the pieces including at least one missed telephone pretrial conference with a court, in an area of law I need to get out of. One day at a time.

Thank you all, very much!

[Tealpillow in reply to Gandolfication]

Welcome to our community! I think you will like it here - tons of excellent advice and listening ears.

I hate when depression and anxiety hit me the way they are hitting you …. I never know how long it will take to emerge from the agony. But - I do, somehow. And you will, too. Keep posting here if you can - many of us relate to what you are going through. I’m having a hard day so instead of advice (which I could probably also use) I’m sending you hugs and support!

[MindfulMoment in reply to Gandolfication]

Oh the mental health days, those magical days you’re supposed to gather yourself to return stronger, but in reality we just use them to hide the intensity we can no longer keep to ourself. Days spent tossing and turning, ruminating over and over how we’ll go back and what people will think. They always end up almost a punishment. The work piles up while we’re gone and we know it. Which only adds to the anxiety we already feel. Back in February my mental health days began a new cycle of panic attacks. 6 months later I’m finally doing what I should have done back then. New meds, new therapist, focusing on my mental health. Because my family, work, and everything else needs a healthy me. I deserve a healthy me. I hope you’ll find your own mate. Anxiety is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Rolling panic is enough to make me crazy. But I am determined to find peace again. May the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.

[Lve2dance in reply to Gandolfication]

This is a great community with so many beautiful people 😍. Some days for me it's one hour at a time 🙃..

[80sDreamer]

thanks for sharing your struggles. You aren’t alone. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out.

[Hidden]

I’m going through much the same right now. You’re not alone in your feelings. The doctors and therapists can only seem to help so far and meds are hit or miss. But you can always remember the things you have to live for and let that motivate you.

[Lve2dance in reply to Hidden]

So true 😁. For me it's my job which is also my passion... selling and fashion. My coworkers are like family, and my customers can be hilarious. I love this site.

[dutchgirl71]

I understand. I feel the same. Take the time you need, then move ahead one step at a time!

[Allthingspink]

Be patient with yourself as anxiety meds take TIME to work, sometimes longer than what it will supposedly take. You made need a new doctor too. Are you seeing a psychiatrist?? That’s what you need for expertise in dealing with anxiety and depression. Spoken by one who knows. Hang in there. There is restoration coming.

[Gandolfication in reply to Allthingspink]

Yes, I do see a psychiatrist/neurologist. He reminds people of this along with his harvard credentials in every conversation. This weirdo (I lovingly contend that all psychiatrists have to be weird) also attended my law school, so he's extra weird. He's fine, except like so many he's sworn off prescribing any controlled substances which is an overcorrection, because on an as-needed basis, they worked for me.

I've worked with so many psychs and a number of therapists over the past 20 years, and read and tried everything I could get my hands on legally, and some I couldn't. In 2020-21, I served as a magistrate (Jr. Judge) presiding over our large county's mental health court, and got to learn and see a side of the system I never had before, except for my own 1 voluntary hospitalization. It was sobering to say the least. I now serve as a volunteer board member of our Alcohol Drug Addiction and Mental Health Services (ADAMHS) Board trying to help make some difference, while mainly I feel like I'm just trying to keep myself alive right now.

I am hoping within the next year, to go back to my old good therapist, and former law professor who became and LPC and is good at it, with whom I had worked and made some real progress. Then life happens as it will.

Anyway, thank you for all the feedback and encouragement. I'm at a place right now, where I'm just going to try to soak it up and have it to pay it forward later.

[Hidden]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Please know you are not alone . When I saw your post, it resonated with what I’ve been going through this past month and a half. I’ve been trying ACT ( Acceptance Commitment Therapy) and it appears to help with dealing with the crippling anxiety I’ve been experiencing. I urge you to check it out.

Hang in there 😥. Even if it’s one moment at a time 🙏🏽.

[Gandolfication in reply to Hidden]

I read Steven Haye's ACT book, Get Out of Your Head and Into your Life 3x, and this was essentially the primary modality I worked on with my former professor-turned-LPC over the last few years. I agree, it is the most powerful mode of therapy I've found (along with Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), although it is also challenging and can be very subtle and paradoxical to me.

[Hidden in reply to Gandolfication]

Agreed!

[dmt1121]

You sound like you are in a very dark place right now and have really struggled to pull yourself out of it for your family and yourself.

As a professional myself, I understand the high stress, long hours and unrealistic expectations that never seem to end. Being an attorney is a very demanding job and I have found after a career of this environment that I was unable to withstand the pressure over time. I was great at my job but sacrificed and physical and mental health in the process. I cannot say that this is true in your case but it may be a big contributor.

When this type of pressure combines with external or self-imposed pressures in your personal life, it can create feelings of guilt and depression at the seemingly hopeless situation in which we are trapped.

It may be worth taking a close look at the positive and negative stressors in your life and seeing if a change of changes are needed in one or more areas to rebalance your life. It is easy to get so used to the stress and ridiculous demands that we are only left with the resulting anxiety and depression.

Life is to be lived and enjoyed. Some of us can withstand the demands of high-pressure jobs and some of us can but pay a very high price. The high paying job is worth nothing if we are mentally and physically incapacitated by it.

Good luck.

[Gandolfication in reply to dmt1121]

Thanks for that. A good bit of it resonates. The self-critical, perfectionistic nature of the legal profession, combined with my own unusually strong negative inner critic, are a problem. I've put a lot of time, effort, courses, and practice in to practicing mindfulness and self compassion, but they are difficult and do not come naturally.

I left law practice in 2010, returning to legal/tech sales, but returned in 2018. It's what I do now, and is also how I support the family. I'm not getting rich; still trying to get out of a financial calamity - and have come a very long way, but it never seems enough. That's partly the disease speaking. I don't have a simple answer, but I greatly appreciate the thoughts and support.

[dmt1121 in reply to Gandolfication]

You sound like you have already done a lot of thinking on this subject and financial security is always a tough issue when facing the toll it can take on our health. The mindfulness part is great. Qui Gong may also help but I believe your lifestyle and your outlook are most important.

If it comes down to working yourself into the ground versus finances, it may be worth filing for bankruptcy. It creates upheaval but not as much as the alternative, which you may not recover from. I have known couples who have gotten divorced and then one of them declares bankruptcy to have one with decent credit.

That may be too severe of a choice. It just depends on how severe and debilitating your depression is.

Keep searching. You'll figure it out.

[Tealpillow in reply to dmt1121]

Thank you both for working in such difficult, demanding, but important careers. The rule of law is crucial to the success of our democracy. I’m glad you are both here and I hope we can provide you the support and understanding you deserve. 🌹

[gerrerd]

Do one thing, self hypnosis, it works its the only way to change your thinking. As we think so are we. So flip the coin, Put good stuff into your mind and eventually good stuff comes and your situation will change, Many years of struggling like you. Hypnosis helped me through making it better and manageable. Potentials unlimited, online get a download, Also look into Holosynce . Ray