How to deal with suicidal thoughts

[Rafael_]

I've been having some relapses for the past weeks. A lot of thoughts of abuse, loss and codependency I've experience in the past that keeps invading my thoughts while I'm working on things and my emotional state is crippled everytime. To the point where I barely have energy to do anything for the rest of the day. I don't have anyone I can reach out to, I'm stuck to being alone in my house without any way to get out. The friends that I have cannot do anything about my situation the more and more I vent to them. I'm trying my college's counseling soon but I'm all alone trying to mend this. I want to know if there is any way

[Marysblue]

Yes , you can heal and get better.

Have you tried calling crisis lines, they're just there to talk with you. 9 8 8 or Google some warm lines. When I get in a place like you're at right now I call them.

I'm glad you reached out on here this is a great place to get support. Most people on here have been where you're at. Maybe watch some YouTube videos Eckhart Tolle comes to mind he's about living in the moment. Or Michael Singer two of my favorites. Be kind to yourself, youre going through a rough time. You'll get past it.

[Hidden]

I've also been dealing with some past traumatic memories resurfacing. I thought it was really bizarre as I haven't been directly triggered, yet the memories come with such conviction anyway and don't leave when I beg them to. They're also just as offensive as they were when it first happened. The duration of time that the relapse has been happening is also about the same as you mention - a couple of weeks. Anyway, to see another person experiencing this same issue makes me think it's because of some sort of planetary shift .. "something in the air". I text America's Suicide and Crisis Lifeline when I have thoughts of suicide. I like to call them, too. There is also an online chat feature at it's website - Puerto Rico seems to have something like this with my quick search..

[012703060610]

We are all here working to mend our fears and our pasts. Agree a hotline can be very helpful, just make sure you know how things get handled. I made a call once just for support and the police showed up and committed me....which meant I almost lost some custody of my kids (state specific guidance). Thankfully it all worked out. My SI has gotten so bad I finally told my husband. We are struggling to keep it all together and now I feel shame. I can't tell how he is handling the news because he hasn't really spoken to me for a few days. He's deflecting things. I need to give him some time and then will reengage him on my feelings. I need to find the will to be honest with him on some things that will hurt him too. Opening up though did feel good and it released a ton of mental pressure that felt like it was making my head explode. Keep posting, because we are all here for you!

[TangledUpIn in reply to 012703060610]

That is so scary to me that when you reached out for support on a crisis line that you almost got committed and lost your kids!

[012703060610 in reply to TangledUpIn]

Totally crazy right! We are back in court again and I have to keep it together which causes even more anxiety! I want to get the help I need, I'm ready. My physical health isn't on my side and if I can get the mental support I so want, I would feel like I could live my last years with some serenity at least.

[TangledUpIn in reply to 012703060610]

Omg you are going through so much, as am I. Sad that you can't get the support you need from a crisis line but you can always reach out to me, I'm a supportative listener and have a good head on my shoulders 😙

[012703060610 in reply to TangledUpIn]

Thank you. Really means a lot!

[littlemawther]

I WANT TO POST, BUT FORGOT MY PASSWORD AND ITS BETTER TO BE OUT~

[NoRegret]

I have been in counseling for many years, it helps me to talk thru what I am thinking.

[catsrock]

Tapping meditation has helped me a lot and it's free and you can do it anytime on your own. Just an idea. Just choose the free meditations - that's what I do. thetappingsolution.com/

[fauxartist]

I'm glad your sharing here, your not alone...others here especially can understand your despair....I know it can be crippling...the rumination of things we cannot change can keep us stuck in the guilt, remorse, regrets, etc....but at some point we have to catch ourselves when it starts up, I have to sometimes literally say 'stop' in my head, remind myself that I have no control over anything, but I can change how I choose to understand past events as something that is done, is past, and I cannot change a thing. I make amends where I can for my own actions, accept others for what they are or are not, and try to focus on the here and now. Do for me what I need to do for right now.

Eventually when you do get some professional guidance on how to cope with the rumination of past ghosts and haunts, and learn to forgive yourself for what ever it is you may feel you have past regrets about, and let go of those who are now in your past...little by little, each time you will get better. Some days in depression you just have to white-knuckle it, but also remember that is the nature of depression, you don't need a reason to be sad, you just are, it's chemical...you ride it out, it will pass...one way or another you will recognize the triggers, and the cycle of this thing. There is no cure yet, just individual coping mechanisms, we are all different, so we tailor our tools for getting through the lows, and cruse and appreciate the highs when we can feel the sunshine on our face....

[Goldenlover0730]

Rafael, Congrats on striving for higher education! That's great, and will help you exponentially down the road to achieve financial freedom. So I am not going to bash your Hispanic parents, but in my experience this culture likes to keep their "babies" home as long as possible. Your mother is probably doing everything for you to keep you from spreading your wings and flying away. Do not let them gaslight you and make you feel bad about wanting independence! That is a great, wonderful thing! Not sure why this is, do your mom and dad not have a solid enough marriage and everything revolves around you? I have a daughter in college, away from home. And while I love her to pieces and facetime her every night, I want her to become a self-sufficient adult that can take care of herself. This is incredibly important to allow your children room to grow, evolve and change. I am very aware that some people's minds are incapable of thinking any other way, but maybe have a talk with your parents and let them know that you will stay in really good touch with them, but at some point, you need to move on from being their little baby. I know you are still very young, but do you still want to be living with them when you are 30 years old? Some people have to, but if you have the skills and ability to live on your own and pay your own bills, there is absolutely no reason you shouldn't be. Good luck!

[Rafael_ in reply to Goldenlover0730]

Well, as for my parents what are reluctant into doing this, it is because they are monotoring me like you've said. But it is also because I in the past "betrayed them", as in for a few examples, I've stopped being a christian, I reject them from touching me or from loving them after being harassed, I don't have perfect grades, I don't talk to anyone while they are around. Their marriage has also been running on fumes, over the years I see them arguing with each other because of my dad's behavior, my mom keeping my dad at home due to his heavy drinking while he is fed up of being kept at home like a child because he doesn't know how to control his drinking, in the past me and my brother had to confront my dad from taking the keys and driving to get drunk. He isn't as hostile with it now, but when I'm in my room, basically this house's laundry/basement, I see my dad sneaking out to drink. Unfortunately I have to be kept around for chores and take care of things, and I can't do anything much beyond this point besides wrapping up college and going on from there I can have a solid job that can get me to move out. Currently, I live this way while taking care of my two guinea pigs which are thankfully safe from them, but it is hard trying to keep everything inside to be functional, at least on a social level. I would take the option honestly to opt out from confronting them about any of this.

[Goldenlover0730 in reply to Rafael_]

Yeah, it sounds like there’s a lot going on! I think your mom is keeping you around for buffer so she doesn’t have to deal with your dad alone. Your mom may also need to join a support group as well. But your religious views are your own and you are eighteen so you can make your own choices in regards to that. In some lives, church is very comforting, in others, it’s a source of anxiety. Maybe their church isn’t for you? But honestly, life is hard and you are young and you shouldn’t have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Try to comfort your mom as much as you can, but look out for yourself. Marriage can be great, but if she is in an abusive relationship, not so much. Maybe she needs to take care of herself as well. Not sure if your mom works, but maybe if she can pay part of the bills she can afford a small place with a roommate. Focus on yourself and try to do things that make you happy! My dog gives me lots of joy, I’m sure your guinea pigs do too! But keep your eye on the prize! That education is your ticket! Good luck 🙂

[Rafael_]

To be honest, their marriage hasn't been in that much disrrepair since 2021, she has come to terms with my dad a year ago or more, he has sobered enough to be a teacher in middle school and works around the house, he still drinks, just not weekly or monthly, and my mom has a lot of connections in my own family for support. The house is much quieter, sorry if I lead some confusion here. Though, being more honest about it after that I also started not even comfortable with myself, I was in a constant fight or flight mode, now I'm only able to breakdown how utterly worthless I feel about myself for not being able to be critical about my reality and kept looking for easy distractions. Ultimately now, being calm again and reflecting on that mess, I just don't know what was the point of suffering that much when I had time to myself.

About church, it felt really unethical to me at the time, I only saw it as another easy excuse to look at life and dismiss yourself for somebody greater. There are good christians, to completely fair though, and they might change how my beliefs with a good conversation, but it was unfortunately associated to how my parents acted around me. It might've been healing for others, but for me it was tied with getting disrupted from my time at home, along with my parents forcing me over to long trips. That might not sound all bad to be fair, but it was the only time I had to talk to anybody/hobbies outside of school and I couldn't stand it.

I'll try! I just can't quite really feel comfortably sitting down yet without needing to lash out, I need to heal and grieve over a lot of things. I just have to find some private therapist to not sit with these sad and angry feelings.