Has anyone else had to put their child in someone else's more capable care,because of problems with depression anxiety PTSD etc?

[Montana136]

Hello Community I hope you are well. I went to the top of a mountain yesterday to talk to god. To pray to listen to the birds see the forest I went to places I hadn't been in 25 years on that mountain. Beautiful places that are secluded. I prayed awhile I listens to the birds and the breeze sat against a tree.. it's good to be with nature I enjoyed it. But I'm back here in the real world now which is currently my bedroom having these morning anxious thoughts about how am I going to handle this problem what am I going to say to solve that problem how am I going to manage depression enough to where it doesn't destroy my life and I have to start all over again. I'm 56 years old I have a 20 year old daughter going to University who is very angry with me because my depression fractured our relationship I couldn't take care of myself so I sent her to my mother she became angry with me with me immediately did not want to see me just don't want to talk to me it's been 6 years and she still still showing signs of anger. She's too busy to face the problems she's going to college there's friends there's boys. I am definitely at the lowest priority in her life. I raised this kid with determination confidence purpose fun and love for 12 years before I hit a wall of depression and this kid treats me like I am on a need to know basis and frankly there's nothing I need to know. I feel rejected by her I'm feeling so sad I'm thinking of suicide I'm feeling like she be better off without my sad depressed ass who's always having to start over again because I fall into a deep hole and sometimes I don't even recognize it and I can't get out of them easily. Couldn't get out fast enough. I made the best decision I could make by giving my daughter up to my mother when my daughter was 14 because I was falling completely and totally apart. I wasn't taking care of myself I was very dysfunctional making bad decisions for myself and by extension for her. that it took a lot of courage for me to say my child was better off with someone else. I'm so tired of being hated on and being punished. She is polite to me she treats me like an acquaintance. So what am I really complaining about right but I think you guys know it hurts when a child treats their mother this way. She said horrible hurtful things to me on Mother's Day things that she normally wouldn't say to me and then she left on vacation and I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks. She was the one that made Mother's Day plans with my BFF out of town. and then choose not to tell me until before Mother's day. She's and my BFF the one that made that inconsiderate error and I'm feeling like the one that has to apologize for feeling so sad and hurt by it. They really raked me over the coals for expressing how sad and overwhelmed I was about their decision to spend Mother's Day together and not with me. Screw that I really didn't do anything wrong. Either my best friend nor my daughter have talked to me in 2 weeks no word from them at all I'm still really kind of pissed that they did this and then turned it around on me. Mostly the problem is is my daughter has locked away her anger towards me and won't express it healthfully she's too busy to heal or process which means that she has not been able to forgive me it's been 6 years and I cannot rush her healing because she has to do that in her own time but she is really making me suffer and treating me in such a way that I am becoming more and more depressed. I do have a therapist I do take medication I do active things to help myself I am moving forward right now getting better doing more positive things for myself better self care but I still feel overwhelmingly treated unfairly and hurtfully by my daughter. I do not know how to address this with her I hurt her feelings she just simply not understand that I gave her up for her own protection. So that she would have more successful opportunities and not watch her own mother fall apart. She seems to be trying to give me a second chance but still punishing me at the same time. Does that make sense? I don't know what to say to her I'm afraid of of offending her or making her angry and driving her further away so I'm anxious when I'm around her I don't know what to say I don't want to talk about I just talk about her school her friends her cello I try to keep it really light but she will leave a visit and not give me any indication as to whether or not she's leaving feeling good or feeling icky or stressed or happy did she enjoy my company did she not this girl says nothing has a blank expression on her face. she's just freaking polite. I have no idea what to do I am very sad and overwhelmed because the state of our relationship I have done everything I can I have been present I've been helpful I've offered guidance I've listened to her I've helped her I've supported her I'm keep repeating that I love her and I have told her that I'm sorry I hurt her. It seems to go in one ear and out the other. I'm not even really sure why she's visiting with me. I mean I know nothing about how this kid feels about me right now 6 years after this horrible fracture in our relationship. And when I'm forced to guess what's going on I usually catastrophize and guess the worst things possible. I blame myself I call myself a failure but somewhere inside I do know I made the right decision to send her to my mom. And I think maybe at 20 years old she's just too young to understand how hard and difficult life can be. Not to mention I have severe major depression, generalized anxiety and PTSD so this makes all this kind of crap even harder. And she has no concept of how damaging these conditions can be. I can feel her judging me all the time. Just wanted to hear other parents talk about their stories any solutions any ideas any videos rituals anything to ease my mind every morning is like hell!! Thank you for listening to me ramble I really needed to say all this today. Thank you so much for hearing me I appreciate your support in advance take care of yourself and be well! ❤️🌈✌️

[Loner41]

I’m sorry your going through that my daughter is about to turn 20 so I sympathize with you we went through a rough many yrs together where she was angry and we did communicate well I was depressed at the time and was acting like I wasn’t and she was too she was cutting herself and I didn’t understand it at first which pushed us further apart even though I was depressed at the time I wasn’t thinking about hurting myself at the time she grew up without a father I was a single mom and I was always working it was hard for us we had to have a lot of hard conversations in order to help our relationship but I hate we had the pain to get us there but I feel like one day she’ll be open to talking with you I had to fight for us to get better she was upset with me for working all the time she was bullied and it was a lot to unpack but she’s my biggest support system now but it hurt like hell for a while before we got this way ❤️🙏🏽

[Agora1 in reply to Loner41]

xx

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

You seem like a great mom and I’m sure she’ll be able to to open up some day. Keep being there for her. I’m glad she’s been supportive for you too. Great job 👍

[Iansmom2]

Some day she will have to perspective to realize that you were an amazing and brave mom who made the hard decision and sacrifices to make her the person she is. She will get a few heart breaks and disappointments and see that life is not easy and we are all doing out f’ing best from where we are and who we are. Be kind to yourself momma ❤️🙏

[roses4all]

I look at it like this... the entirety of your life decisions got her into college. So, later, when life hits her... she will have her education and the good paying job that goes with the education. So, good job.

I think she will deal with her anger when she is ready to deal with her anger. We can't make people be ready. I have walked away from psychologists who tried to make me follow their agenda; and I have appreciated the ones who helped me with what I wanted help with.

She wants to spend time with you. There is joy in that. Enjoy your daughter and your time together.

[emmi331]

Montana, your daughter has not learned to forgive and you have not learned to accept.The most encouraging phrase in your post was "Screw that". Maybe you should say this to your daughter, followed by, "I did the best I could at the time." Then change the subject. Part of the problem here seems to be that you spend a lot of time trying to appease her and apologize. Stop that, please! Ignoring you, raking you over the coals, and giving you the cold shoulder is a form of bullying, so it might be time to stand up to her.

The fact that she has not tried to get help with her anger is HER fault, not yours.

Accept that your relationship is in a bad place right now. Accept that what's in the past is over. Accept that you have NO power over what your daughter thinks. And accept that it may be awhile before she has the maturity to put things in perspective. Keep in mind that acceptance is not approval. It means you understand the current reality and are willing to live with it. And remember things can always change; just don't keep pining for them to.

When your daughter hurts you, say nothing and don't complain. Hold your head up and focus on what is good in your life - nature, friends, people here who want only the best for you!

My final thought is that no one should have this much power over you, not even your child. It seems she's been living rent-free in your head for years. Ask your higher power for help with the strength to evict her, along with the guilt that is still nagging. FWIW, I don't think you should feel guilt at all.

And there's no need to walk on eggs. 😉