Is it ever done?

[runinempt]

I was 7 when my father told me that my siblings had to be taken care of, and it was my job. I am the oldest of 9 children, 1 brother and 7 sisters. Not only was I responsible for their care, he informed me that I would have to start paying him 15 dollars a week to live in his house. I should mention that we lived on a 40 acre dirt farm in rural West Virginia. And it was 27 miles to the nearest town, so I would get up very early on Saturday morning and walk to town to cut grass and work day work at the car wash. I still had my farm chores to do during the week and the laundry ( done in the creek, by hand) and cooking for the whole family done on a wood burning stove. I was 18 when my youngest sister was born. I took every one them to their first day, of school. There are many things I can't bare to talk about to this day. Secrets I have sworn never tell any one. When I was 17, I met a girl, not a girl, she was 26 years old. But I was amazed at how kind she was, to me. It was as if she could see my heart and without being told she somehow knew some of the things, I suffered. But, I would never open up because I knew that to tell her anything would result in trouble for her. "What you see and hear here, when you leave here, leave it here." When my parents found out how old she was, they wanted her put in jail. I lost her, after that, she left the state and I never saw her again. I believed that when I finally left home, a grown man, my life would be totally different, I have suffered 4 failed relationships, I was in my 50's when I understood that I kept trying to build a life with the female version of my father. I have been hit, cheated on by three and called every filthy name, known in the human language. I never cheated, hit or deliberately lied to any woman I cared for. It is very hard to care for someone when they hate you and only stay with you for money. I have never been in love, I have never really felt loved. I raised 13 children in total, only one of which was mine. This story is long and some may think it boring, but I feel it needs to be said. " I feel " its been a long time since I uttered those words! Thank each of you for your kindness and patience.

[fauxartist]

I'm very sorry that happened to you, what a nightmare, and your childhood and adolescence were stolen from you....it wasn't fare.

My therapist told me that we tend to marry our parents...either the version of our father or mother. I never understood that until I too began relationships with emotionally unavailable people who ended up being abusive to me. For them, it was all about control, it was not real love on their part, only role playing for them to get what they wanted out of the deal.

We tend to gravitate to what we know, and as sick as that can be, it's the way it is for those of us who were abused and used as a kid. I too started taking care almost exclusively my younger brother and sister at age 11 as they were 10 and 11 years younger than myself. My mother was and is a sociopath. And I married one.....and dated a few more before that.

It took a long time for that damage to be done, it takes as long to begin to understand that it isn't healthy, and that we need help to 'unlearn' that we don't deserve to be abused. Your pain is validated, you are worth being loved, it wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it or do anything to make the abuse happen. We are the walking wounded until we start getting professional help to learn how to help ourselves and stop the cycle of abusive relationships. I've painted over that bullseye I used to have on my back.

[runinempt in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you very much, for your response. You gave some information and understanding I never knew!

[fauxartist in reply to runinempt]

I learn something new every day....it gives me hope...

[Hidden]

I’m practically speechless. You’re really a survivor. I could never understand why some people have more than three or four kids. I don’t have any children.

[NYCmom2]

Memoir as Medicine: The Healing Power of Writing Your Messy, Imperfect, Unruly (but Gorgeously Yours) Life Story

By Nancy Slonim Aronie

This is a book on my next to read list. I’ve always wondered if penning a memoir, with no pressure to show it to anyone else, would help with some of the lingering trauma.

[Trainchaser]

You have had a rough life. Your father took advantage of you big time and all he did stuck with you though the years. I hope that better days are ahead for you @