Anxious all the time need help

Hi there , I come from a small state of India .I have been a tomboyish kind of girl since childhood, when I was little I used to wear all boyish clothes and reject the girly ..everyone thought I was a boy until my parents said that I was a girl . As I grew up I started suffering from mild anxiety when I hit puberty when the male female characteristics started to get more defined and then started expireincing major anxiety since my college days when I was 18 years of age . Till then I used to think that eventually at least 16 or 20 girls will dress up as tomboyishly as me as they get over 18 but no I was the only girl in our class in college ( in my bachelors) to dress up like a guy. I was embarrassed, anxious,Alienated in a way. I used to hang out with boys from our class who treated me like a guy( crushed on other girls in front of me as if I was not a girl , adjusted their clothes , hair). I dint even feel like a boy but like a dog just following then around . I had no option , if I hung out with girls they would talk about boys , nail polish, girly dresses etc. And moreover they would call me dude, bro, which made me feel very very odd. So I guess you want to know about my love interest well my first crush was a very slightly girly lookin guy from a TV show , then a girl from my class when I was 7th standard ( god you're the first one I'm telling this to ) , then a guy when I was in 10 th standard but I was heart broken when he was dating another girl ( I cried my heart out that day) . In 12 th I had another tomboyish girl like me we connected on a level that concerned about being strange in terms of teenage romance ( neither of us were interested in anyone) , about being question girl or boy ? In many instances . So we started reading Buddhas life biography .. got devotional, inspired . We studied zen meditation . We felt like we were soulmates ( platonic) . But the after school we got separated ,she was very passionate about art so she went for it to a different Indian state. but me i went to a different state as I dint know exactly about my career goals like her .she is also more social than me , I have been shy since childhood but now I'm totally anti social . Not because I hate people but because I'm tired of standing out as a strange , androgynous lesbian sort of human . And the place that I come from is very unaware, or if even aware they pretend to not to know about it because of shame ( including me self). But hey stranger if you help me our with this you will give my soul that has been suffering since 10-12 years : PEACE of mind .my parents they know about homosexuality but think it as abnormal , deep down they look at me as if they know my sexuality ( which I'm confused myself : bi, asexual) but totally not straight I know . But at the same moment they look at me with shame and a look that sorrow says ( even if you are try and find ways to hide it ) . In my college days. There was a girl in our class who looked like the one from 7 th standard whom I crushed on ,.. so I would just stare at her trying to grab her attention so she also started to look at me ( that ) way , you know the romantic look . But at the same time she had a boyfriend . So I felt confused and of course ashamed of my feelings . Also I had a crush on another girl ( she anwered all the questions in a Harry Potter( quiz and that really caught my fancy for her) whom I stared at so much ( at first with admiration which later turned out as idk love? ) she also started staring in a "loving " " smitten " way at me . I felt elated but more than that " anxious" as I knew I didn't have the confidence ( still don't have ) to approach such a person whom I admire so much that belong to the same sex . She tried to approach me I think but I shied away from it every time . It's been 2 years since I saw her but whenever I think of her I really miss her face and the way she used to look at me . Also our batch had an Indian teacher at the same time, I crushed on her too like super romantically . .now everyone in my house is straight , even the locality I think . I feel like an alien . I feel suicidal at the same time j am sane enough to think it's impractical to take your life . I know about gay celebs but this is a very judgemental town I live in . I was so anxious lately , i only could sleep 4 hours so I wen t to a psychologist in this town , ( of course to whom I didn't tell my real problems but only symptoms like inferiority complex , social phobia ) . So. The only thing he helped me in was with sleeping pills , after taking the sleeping pills I could sleep well , I still am taking those pills , god knows if I will carry on with the regular sleep pattern after my dose is completed . I am a girl of 23 , had crushes on may be 3 guys and maybe 6 girls in college/ celebs crushes . I look like a lesbian . Forget my ambitious nature : to earn well to buy my parents the clothes they never got to wear , the place they never could afford to go . I am struggling with my very existence : my face. My body , my emotions ...feel like a total misfit. It would be of great help If you could tell me about few steps to Be more accepting about myself . To be more confident and be more positive and how to garner faith in me .

:(((

[Hidden]

Do you live in India

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Yep

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I wish u wasn't so far away.. and im sorry about everything. I usually dress like a boy too but only when im too lazy to do laundry lol 😁. Have you try meeting new people for example on social media u can find tons of them who can actually relate hun

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

It's ok dear , life's going good enough . No I haven't tried social media for ages now , Iam anxious about that too .. like people would judge me

It's really hard to talk to people for me :/

[gdhillsy25]

I believing when you try to keep whatever in u deep inside from coming out this is what happens anxiety frustration depression. If you can just be yourself do what you want say what you want dress however you want. As long as it makes you happy . We have to live for ourselves at the end of the day your the one left with your own problems

[Hidden in reply to gdhillsy25]

I appreciate your concern but it's so hard to put it into practice :...(

[gdhillsy25]

Yea I get it.

[DMM218]

So much in your post, so much stress. I'm in the UK so things here are different in some ways, others not so much.

My daughter has been describing herself as asexual for some time. She is 13. Many many people just don't understand it. I've fully supported her as it's for her to best express her sexuality and no one else can say whether she is right or wrong.

I'm proud of her but she knows at this young age being different means not being accepted or understood by everyone she meets.

Sexuality is a spectrum. As is gender. We are beginning to see more people coming forward saying I don't want to be male or female etc. For so long society has conditioned us to two sexes and a heterosexual life as being normal and anything else is wrong. Well you could say only brown eyed people are normal and everything else is wrong, it's the same thing. Just as we humanity reflect so many beautiful variations of physical characteristics, we also do the same with sexuality and gender.

So whatever you want to describe your sexuality as, at this point, that is fine. Again, some people love a specific sex others love a person regardless of gender. Some of sexuality is fluid for people.

The important thing is not to be defined by someone else's idea of what you should be.

It may be until you experience sexual intimacy you won't have enough information to know for certain. Again, that's ok. You have the right to fully explore this.

If we weren't talking about sex but say musical tastes, people would not come up with statements like - you can love jazz and classical. It's one or other. Or dance music is unnatural!

So why accept these foolish limitations? Society needed strong family bonds, for the growth of society. Sexual health problems ( which can now be avoided) meant sex considered wrong or dirty. These conditions do not apply in most countries now.

Accept yourself for who you are. It may be that an openness about your sexuality cannot be done publically due to others ignorance and hate. But that shouldn't stop you working out what makes sense for you.

How you dress how you act. These are your personal choices and may or may not reflect your personality. But do as you feel comfortable.

I will look again at your post and add to it if anything else needs said. Take care.

[DMM218 in reply to DMM218]

People are born into the wrong gender. In the U.K. Much more information coming out about being transgender. There has been some really good documentaries about teens transitioning from female to male to reflect their gender identity correctly.

There is stuff on you tube I'm sure. My daughter showed me posts from a 20 year old man who was finishing his transition process. It was amazing as you saw nothing feminine about him. He was his true self and to have continued as female would have killed him.

Slowly people are getting it especially as early transition is clearly physically and emotionally better.

I don't know if you are trans. I'm just giving as much info about these issues so you can look into it and work out if it's what you are dealing with or not.

My daughter would love to be neither male nor female. She feels sexual behavior and identity is unnecessary. How things work for her I've no idea but I love her and support her. This is a serious issue for her and me. I'm straight and I never imagined that my daughter would not be exactly like me. But, I forgot she's unique, herself, completely individual and not a clone. I'm lucky I've got her she has shown me so many different ways to think of things.

I'm not sure if this helps, but I know that there are millions of young people out there who are struggling with sexuality and sexual identity. You aren't alone. And if anyone suggests abnormality ignore it. There is lots of scientific research which shows human sexuality and gender is a spectrum. There are children born everyday whose gender is not clear from physical appearance alone. We've been hiding this fact too long and forcing them into a sex which will make no sense to them. Male and female doesn't cover it. There is more. Just as straight, gay, bi doesn't cover it. There is more. And it's natural and good.

[Windy101]

I can't add to the wisdom here. I just want to say that people care and understand your struggle. You are far from alone. I hope that you can connect with other people who feel like you do, either online or in India. It is a big place and you cannot be the only one, as being gay or bi or fluid or whatever is NORMAL.

[Hidden in reply to Windy101]

Thanks windy I like that you understand my problems