Hi there , I come from a small state of India .I have been a tomboyish kind of girl since childhood, when I was little I used to wear all boyish clothes and reject the girly ..everyone thought I was a boy until my parents said that I was a girl . As I grew up I started suffering from mild anxiety when I hit puberty when the male female characteristics started to get more defined and then started expireincing major anxiety since my college days when I was 18 years of age . Till then I used to think that eventually at least 16 or 20 girls will dress up as tomboyishly as me as they get over 18 but no I was the only girl in our class in college ( in my bachelors) to dress up like a guy. I was embarrassed, anxious,Alienated in a way. I used to hang out with boys from our class who treated me like a guy( crushed on other girls in front of me as if I was not a girl , adjusted their clothes , hair). I dint even feel like a boy but like a dog just following then around . I had no option , if I hung out with girls they would talk about boys , nail polish, girly dresses etc. And moreover they would call me dude, bro, which made me feel very very odd. So I guess you want to know about my love interest well my first crush was a very slightly girly lookin guy from a TV show , then a girl from my class when I was 7th standard ( god you're the first one I'm telling this to ) , then a guy when I was in 10 th standard but I was heart broken when he was dating another girl ( I cried my heart out that day) . In 12 th I had another tomboyish girl like me we connected on a level that concerned about being strange in terms of teenage romance ( neither of us were interested in anyone) , about being question girl or boy ? In many instances . So we started reading Buddhas life biography .. got devotional, inspired . We studied zen meditation . We felt like we were soulmates ( platonic) . But the after school we got separated ,she was very passionate about art so she went for it to a different Indian state. but me i went to a different state as I dint know exactly about my career goals like her .she is also more social than me , I have been shy since childhood but now I'm totally anti social . Not because I hate people but because I'm tired of standing out as a strange , androgynous lesbian sort of human . And the place that I come from is very unaware, or if even aware they pretend to not to know about it because of shame ( including me self). But hey stranger if you help me our with this you will give my soul that has been suffering since 10-12 years : PEACE of mind .my parents they know about homosexuality but think it as abnormal , deep down they look at me as if they know my sexuality ( which I'm confused myself : bi, asexual) but totally not straight I know . But at the same moment they look at me with shame and a look that sorrow says ( even if you are try and find ways to hide it ) . In my college days. There was a girl in our class who looked like the one from 7 th standard whom I crushed on ,.. so I would just stare at her trying to grab her attention so she also started to look at me ( that ) way , you know the romantic look . But at the same time she had a boyfriend . So I felt confused and of course ashamed of my feelings . Also I had a crush on another girl ( she anwered all the questions in a Harry Potter( quiz and that really caught my fancy for her) whom I stared at so much ( at first with admiration which later turned out as idk love? ) she also started staring in a "loving " " smitten " way at me . I felt elated but more than that " anxious" as I knew I didn't have the confidence ( still don't have ) to approach such a person whom I admire so much that belong to the same sex . She tried to approach me I think but I shied away from it every time . It's been 2 years since I saw her but whenever I think of her I really miss her face and the way she used to look at me . Also our batch had an Indian teacher at the same time, I crushed on her too like super romantically . .now everyone in my house is straight , even the locality I think . I feel like an alien . I feel suicidal at the same time j am sane enough to think it's impractical to take your life . I know about gay celebs but this is a very judgemental town I live in . I was so anxious lately , i only could sleep 4 hours so I wen t to a psychologist in this town , ( of course to whom I didn't tell my real problems but only symptoms like inferiority complex , social phobia ) . So. The only thing he helped me in was with sleeping pills , after taking the sleeping pills I could sleep well , I still am taking those pills , god knows if I will carry on with the regular sleep pattern after my dose is completed . I am a girl of 23 , had crushes on may be 3 guys and maybe 6 girls in college/ celebs crushes . I look like a lesbian . Forget my ambitious nature : to earn well to buy my parents the clothes they never got to wear , the place they never could afford to go . I am struggling with my very existence : my face. My body , my emotions ...feel like a total misfit. It would be of great help If you could tell me about few steps to Be more accepting about myself . To be more confident and be more positive and how to garner faith in me .