Been quiet cause im sinking. Im still alive...sort of. NOT STUDYING AND I NEED ABOVE B+ TO RANK for a master's and SURVIVe

[Against_the_current]

And something else important but i forgot it.... Ah i remembered. My homecity has higher salary and better workplaces than my university city even tho it's smaller?! I don't want to go there because my triggering family is there. I feel so bad my city is so expensive and meanwhile offers no good jobs and much lower salaries while having so much refugees from the country and from warzones and both don't behave themselves but have more money than me and are more stable than me so they thrive more than me. If you never seen balkan and east European countriside people, you don't know what sort of barbariness im talking about and i wish you don't know. You can't imagine Im sinking. Im always nauseous and fatigued and overwhelmed and having a headache and scared to leave my room especially when people are moving in and out the next room. Yesterday i panicked so much because of the noise of someone moving out that i hid in bed and apparently fell asleep when adrenaline ran off. Woke up at midnight. Stayed up and tried to bathe and i collapsed in the bathroom. Luckily I could get myself to the water filter and drink some water and make myself a sandwich. Staying awake now, trying to sleep at a reasonable time but it's hard with people moving in and out the neighboring room. Extremely fatigued and overwhelmed. Anxious. Depressed. Absolutely useless. Not studying. Unable to function. Scared to go out for food and even when i get food i feel like throwing it up. I feel like im dying. I can't talk with family because my state will upset them and they trigger me and im not on myself rn. Absolutely no irl people to talk to. An online situationship which is supporting but i get worried they're mad at me or mess up because of anxiety. Like now when i got asked why i didn't sleep. I actually had to go to the post office and i didn't even fall asleep because i would sleep like 1 hour before i have to go there and the thing dissapointed me but idk what to do it, i don't have energy to deal with customer service. Like my mother im always anxious my friends and so will leave and they actually leave. Damn overwhelming

And don't get me started on studying. It's litterary year 1 - pandemic - dad's baby -mom drinking - war - crisis about what to work and where to live - final exam. I putted myself through exams during these times but i can't now. And dad's paying for me while I study. I need master's for both one more year and for a job. But i need to rank up and everyone is studying and I can't. I have 28 topics and i can't. I can't. Nobody understands im sinking. Also weird body pains. I can't step, my foot hurts so much, i get numb and achy sometimes. Im visibaly not okay, struggling with mental health spreading to physical and cognitive. But no understanding, mental health services and social services

[Starrlight]

I hear you. I so wish there was more I could do to help but I’m here listening and rooting for you. I’m so sorry you are in pain and things are so hard on you. You deserve good in life. Keep hope. Things change. At one point in my life things were total shit it was hard to get through any of it all the time for a very painfully long time… but I came out of most of it. Things can get better. I wish you some peace.

[SoporRose in reply to Starrlight]

I can’t think of anything better than what Starlight has to say. Sending you hugs and care.