I have a successful business that I am self sabotaging.
I am financial stable and comfortable. Yet, I don't take care of my paperwork timely and put everything off.
I want to but a house and stop the over priced rent.
Im approved. But, don't have the energy to go OUT and look at houses.
I am divorced from someone I decided to leave. But, I can't stand being alone. Not much to get excited about by myself. I promised not to pick the wrong man this time. But, I have. He's not at all for me except he's so smart, in the same industry and so handsome. Sex is awful. He does nothing for me emotionally. There is no excitement whatsoever. But, he's like an old house flipper that has become comfortable. No one likes him but me... and I really don't like him.
I have seen family doctors for years and have been on all types of medication. I have suffered typical ups and downs for the last 25+ years.
My family has a history of mental health issues, suicide and depression.
I have bounced back everytime. This time is different, I can't seem to get out of the valley. I am sinking further away. People are beginning to notice. I continue making excuses. I am angry with myself. But, I can pull myself up this time. I feel numb, emotionless, flat... stuck. The last 8mos I have started medicating with drugs I shouldn't be dealing with. But, have stopped in the last 3 weeks.
My boyfriend caught me. Now he is verbally and mentally using that to control me, like blackmail.
I'm lost... I'm facing massive deadlines and I can't sleep until the morning comes when business is happening. I am not going to win.
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Sharilox1
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You sound clinically depressed and maybe have anxiety that's keeping you up all night. You need to see a doctor asap before something forces you to do that. Why wait and let your hard work building/keeping your business successful go down the drain? The bigger the mess the harder to clean it up. Act now and get feeling better sooner, please.
You know the boyfriend has to go. If you can't do it now, it'll have to be done later. If you're clean and your home is clean of drug paraphernalia then his word probably isn't enough to cause you a problem unless there's more to your story. Think about that and clean up anything you need to so the blackmailing can stop or be ignored safely. Congratulations on staying clean for 3 weeks!!
You will also benefit greatly from a counselor, one who specifically works with codependent people. It's recommended for anyone with depression/anxiety but you have the codependence issue in addition. Where there's depression there's anxiety sooner or later. They occur together in most people. Set yourself free and do these things for yourself asap, please!
You can go to psychologytoday.com to look up doctors and therapists/counselors in your area and they indicate their prices, whether they accept a sliding scale for people who can't afford their regular rates, areas they specialize in and more. Please love yourself and get the help you need. You already know you need it. Take care and Blessings...
You're very welcome! You help me feel the time I put in is well worthwhile. ;o)
I seem to have neglected to actually say that the doctor I wish you would see is a psychiatrist since you've seen family doctors & tried lots of meds without seeming to reach a healthier, happier place. Also, if you're running out of drug options, I can tell you that Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation for both anxiety & depression is being accepted by insurance companies (it's expensive) and where to get info if you're interested.
Please don't give up, I know it takes effort you don't seem to have, but that's our bane, that we have to push when we least feel like it.
Counseling. A new doctor who's better at finding the right meds. And getting rid of a boyfriend you don't like and who mistreats you. That's not even a boyfriend - they are supposed to be sweet, caring, and loving people who want the best for you and who you consider your beloved. Who cares how smart he is? There are plenty of smart people around. You can hire someone to be smart about certain things if you need to. I'm sure you are plenty smart yourself.
Sharilox1, you have so much going for you. Don't throw it away. You can get yourself healthy again and enjoy the good life you have built. Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself. There is a thriving, dynamic person inside you just waiting to come out and live.
If you are truly feeling like harming yourself, perhaps a hospital stay would be a good time out. There is no shame in that. This is your life. If others are noticing something is wrong, they shoudl be glad you are gtting help.
You have friends here, and I hope you'll count me among them!
I know how you feel on many levels. I am successful in business, but doing what I have to in business is becoming more and more difficult. I have been separated and moved out since January and my divorce should be finalized next month. I am have been dating a wonderful woman who also suffers from depression and anxiety and she is in a really dark place right now and I don't know what to do to help (see below post that I wrote yesterday if you are interested I'd love any advice that could be offered). It sounds like you need to find a good therapist and get on some form of medication. Oh and no offense, but your BF sounds like a huge douche.....lose him.
I could sure use some advice if anyone is willing to offer. After battling depression/anxiety myself for years (and I still do, everyday) I now find myself in a support role to my girlfriend (which is very new to me). Although I know what I want and need when I am in a depressive state of mind I have been at a loss to try and figure out what she needs from me. When I ask her "what do you want and need from me?" Her response is "don't ask me that. It puts too much pressure on me. I don't know what I need." I feel like everything I say or do is wrong. I try giving her space. I try sending her loving text messages. I try to get her to open up to me. She is in a very dark place right now and has a lot that has gone wrong in her life over the past few months. She was already dealing with a lot from her past to begin with.
I have read so many articles, so much advice, but I just can't figure out what the best way to support her is. I don't want to smother her when she needs space, but I also worry that if I back off too much she will think I don't care or I am going to leave.
Her depression/anxiety has also made her even more sensitive than she already was. She gets offended/takes personally almost anything I say or do and she knows she does this which I know is part of the reason she is keeping me somewhat at bay. She feels like a burden and told me she feels like she is ruining my life.
I tell her I'm not leaving, I tell her I love her, I send flowers, I write letters. I know in the state she is in that they don't illicit much of a response in her right now because she doesn't love herself, currently. Do I keep doing these things? Do I back off of doing these things? I just can't figure out what to do. I am worried about her and I care for her deeply. I just don't want to be shut out and she her continue in this downward spiral.
It seems a light touch is warranted here. Let her know you love her - say it, don't just show it. Maybe back off just a little. Your intensity may be overwhelming her. If she can't perform a task, tell her you'll do it, then ask where the ..... is so you can do it. Or run an errand for her. If she's so depressed, she has no energy to think about what needs to be done. So, just ask her permission to do something that needs to be done. 'I'll just take out the trash. OK?'
If she can't get out of bed, go over and sit with her. Maybe you can read to her, listen to soothing music, or, do nothing at all. Just knowing you are there and not asking anything of her may make her feel safe enough to get some sound sleep, or get out of bed!
If she's not eating, take her some pre-made food that she likes. Lay it out for her, start eating your share. Keep the conversation light. Don't remark if she doesn't eat. Treat it as normal. Put her leftovers away, so they're easy for her to get. After a while, trusting you not to judge her, she may start eating.
These are the kind of things I'd love to have done for me when I can't cope anymore.
Helping her may also help you. When we help others, we learn a lot about ourselves, like what would help us.
You are doing the right thing by loving her and wanting to help her. I hope these hints help both of you to heal.
Thank you very much for the advice. The difficulty here is that we don't live together. If I ask her if we can get together or if I can come over and be with her and she says she isn't up for it I can't do any of those things you just mentioned, which I would love to do.
I struggle with these same symptoms. I have usually been OK at work because it is a predictable environment and I don't give myself a choice about what needs to be done. There are times when that means I go to works hours before other people ad, more often, stay late after everyone has gone. I find I am able to be successful at deal structuring and negotiations since I do quite well and enjoy this part of business to the extent that I consider it the only sport at which I am good. I had a business that I could have saved in hindsight. My wife was my partner she was great with shepherding the work through the process that board me to tears. She hated the work that I loved. We were a perfect team. Unfortunately I was undiagnosed manic depressive and treated her poorly. I have since been correctly diagnosed, counseled for years with the only good counselor I mostly couldn't con and didn't when I could. I have thought many, many times that such a symbiotic relationship works great for me in business. I do the crazy thinking and solve problems and she follows all the rules to get it done. I honestly believe manic depressive people are an incredible asset as long as everybody understood managed mania and depression and harnessed it together with the right partner. I have recently started buying property where I find and make deals nobody expects and my exwives sister manages things the things that make me crazy after the deal is in place. The hard part is finding the personalities that blend with my kind of crazy. I am telling all of this in the hopes that you might see a solution for you by looking to form the right team instead of trying to do the parts you really don't want to do and which throw you into a tailspin. I have also had a weakness for pretty ladies and have brought myself around to believe that looks are a nice distraction as long as what matters is working. I imagine I am older than you and some people say with age comes wisdom. I much prefer admitting some things are very difficult and require a lot of time for nuts like me to learn. Perhaps, you might find some effective coping strategies by using the strengths you weakness provide while seeking relationships with people who understand the way you tick and fill the holes in you don't. For me, this let's me be a little nuts and still be happy more often and give me some help to manage myself by telling me my mood swing is out of control. It takes almost blind trust in the person to help me see what I am missing and to react accordingly. I hope this convoluted explanation is of some value to you. If not, thanks for reading anyway. Replying to you has been cathartic for me. God bless you. Royal
You're dealing with so much. But I'm sitting here reading your post and honestly, I'm so glad you're reaching out. It sounds like you recognize that what you're feeling isn't what defines you and you're looking for a way to handle it. Congrats on taking a really tough first step.
I would suggest taking steps to get help for yourself before you start trying to tackle the other things you mentioned. I'm really happy to read you've been clean lately, and given what you've explained, your symptoms could benefit from a counselor or other professional help. I've felt exactly how you do right now and I can tell you there's light on the other side of it.
When I read your post, I thought of this article I just read. It sounds kind of similar...maybe it'll help you too. bit.ly/2p4z7O4
I totally relate to everything except your man issue. Thankfully, I have not lost my desire to maintain my marriage. There- is a book. Iv been having Alexa read it to me as I am recovering from a major surgery. It's called "Unfuck yourself." by author Gary John Bishop. He's Scottish and hearing him narrate his book keeps me listening. I love it... it is helping me. Try it!
All great advice here, so I have nothing to add, except that I wish you luck. One thing though-you sound like a terrible procrastinator, ( as I am). I too have my own business and I wont even say what paperwork I have not done because I put it off and put it off. Sigh.......it's HARD, but try to take baby steps to work that out. A little every day. As for the house hunting-well boy do I wish I could go out hunting for a new house because I HATE the one I'm in.!!!! Start looking at homes online and I think you will get all excited about the idea!! I'd LOVE to be in your shoes in that respect, and I think that many among us wish that too!!! Best of luck in moving forward and making the best decisions for yourself!!!
When I first stated having depression i confided in my mom. She made me watch the movie "What about Bob". A silly child's movie with Bill Murray that at the time I felt like had nothing to do with what I was going through. I was struggling to get anything accomplished and I stated calling in sick to work just so I could sleep during the day. My mom told me to always remember Bob's "baby steps". Bob felt trapped in his house and never came out. His therapist told him to take tiny steps out of the house, walk to the mailbox, down the street, to the store, etc. I saw similarities in Bob and myself. Just like Bob felt like he was a prisoner in his home, I felt like a prisoner in my own mind. I had to start taking baby steps to improve the situation I was in. I started doing small things like paying my bills on time or even early, grocery shopping for the week, cleaning out my car, tiding things up at the house, and even making plans with friends that I followed through with. If your baby steps are different I encourage you to find them and make it a point to accomplish them. The small victory lap you take in your head may seem like nothing to others but it feels like you just climbed a mountain.
As for your relationship status I completely know where you're coming from. I lived with the trigger of my anxiety for a long time. I had gotten comfortable with him using my anxiety and depression as ammo in an argument and had come to even expect it. I finally had enough and decided I was going to move out. It took me a week to muster up the courage to actually leave but the minute I did i felt INSTANT relief. For everyone it is very different. The only thing that is the same thing no matter who it is it that if you're not happy, you have got to get out. It seems like a hard task and definitely not a baby step but you will feel a world of relief afterwards!
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xx
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