Grandma woke me up and told me sis said "the other woman takes better care of me than my mom". I was till late in the chat with my long distance support because i made him feel bad because I was acting like mom. I wonder will everyone ever love me if im so broken or if i become a psychopath like her. And my poor sister is living with her. Two years and she will probably run away. I will never get my sister back. Just a phone call ruined me. And mom saying all the family loved me more than sis. Im losing my mind. Maybe mom's not so bad, it's just my anxiety. I don't know what is real. Im losing it. Im freaking losing it. I need to be hospitalised but in Bulgaria it would ruin my career and the hospitals are like horror movies and i wouldn't get psychological help, just meds. Im doubting reality. Im scared that my cptsd is turning into a personality disorder and maybe schizophrenia in the future. Anxiety and depression make it hard to function on a daily basis and i lost all my friends. I lost everyone just like my mother is but the difference is she's having the psychopath ability to charm new ones and to not really care if she's alone. A fortune teller told me i will end up alone in the psychiatrist hospital.
I am sorry if im replying lame, just my forming brain is traumatized. I really appreciate your eords, your support, your efforts. You're a lifeline to me
I am losing this war
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Against_the_current
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I hear you. I’m so sorry you suffer so. I’m praying that you get a break, maybe try meditating to get a break from the stressors. The more I meditate the better I can quiet my mind. I’m here to listen. Keep writing.
Don't give up hope! You are aware of your problems and, unlike your mother, you are facing them, and that is a HUGE difference between the two of you. Eventually you are going to find the strength and means to break away from your family. Maybe you and sister will be able to do so together.
In an earlier post, you mentioned not having enough money to afford the help one of your professors offered. I get that. But that professor might be able to steer you toward other resources. I don't mean to suggest you to death, but what about trying this: Right after your semester is over, make an appointment to see that professor. Use your drawing skills to make her a card thanking her for caring about you. (Don't bad-mouth your other teachers, just praise her.) Take her a flower or a cookie or something small to show how much you appreciate her concern. Tell her (even if you've written it in the card) that you are grateful she wanted to look out for you. Then be honest and say that you're broke and are wondering if she knows of any organizations or resources that provide assistance to someone in your situation. If she does, then great! If she doesn't, you've done a good deed and let someone know she did something that mattered.
Thank you for your words. Im really admitting my problems and trying to get better instead of getting mad if someone points them out like her. And thanks for the idea but she doesn't even pick up the phone. Idk what to do. No resources here
So sorry the resources are not good where you live. You are trying so hard and I admire you and I really think it will pay off. Hang in there. I’m praying for ya and sending hopeful good vibes.
Your professor is probably crazy-busy with her end-of-year responsibilities. That's why it might be best to try again when the term is over and you've finished your exam. You might try sending her the card now, or dropping it off at her office, and adding a note that you'd like to come by to thank her (everyone likes to be thanked) when the semester is finished. She still seems like she might have some useful information and staying in her good graces might prove useful later, even if she can't help you right now.
I wonder of there are psychological studies being done in which you could participate as a subject? Your psychiatrist might know of some, too.
Thanks for your advice. Actually my psychiatrist gave ne my current therapist and his other sujestions of therapists aren't this good. I have a friend who goes to the prof and i asked her to ask for me and she didn't. I really have no friends irl.
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