I'm excited to report the latest innovation in medicine. A secret the Bulgarian doctors were keeping for too long. A magic herb that heals anxiety, depression, back pain, fever, chicken pox, cancer and revives the dead. The ✨valerian root✨
So i was having really severe back pain. My ribs and spine hurt like hell. Having hard time standing and sitting, even laying. Feeling like Adam from Cyberpunk when his spine was removed. It was 1am. At 4am i took an Aspirin, it got a little better and went to sleep. Had terrible nightmares about my parents arguing again and insane acid reflux. It's risky to take aspirin on empty stomach. Anyway, at like 4pm i collected myself and went to the ER. There was a girl before me, waiting for the doctor, visibaly feeling unwell. I even thought she had a fever or was going to faint or something serious. She got out of the doctor's room and sat again in the waiting room. I went in and started telling the doctor what happened and that my back hurts really bad and im almost paralyzed, worried if a nerve got wrong. The doctor just said on broken Bulgarian (i guess the doc was Turkish or middle-eastern) "I have seen you before. You had a panic attack an year ago. Go take a valerian. You have to pay for the diasepam shots from back then. Go take a valerian". The girl in the waiting room gasped "oh, he told me to take valerian too". An old man feeling unwell appeared too. Guess what he was yold to take.
So apparently if you have anxiety, all illness on you are caused by the anxiety. Also i took a Clonasepam and it didn't help so how's a valerian supposed to help?
I called grandma to tell her but i started crying. Grandma told me to call mom and report the magical medicine. Mom triggered me as hell. She sounded inadequate, complained about my father's parents and my sister and how they raised us both, repeated herself, told me to become an university teacher because being a therapist sucks and what would i do if a girl came and said she was r@ped by her father (how vulgar my mom was ik). My mom litterary told me to get a PhD without getting a master's. Which is even more ridiculous than taking valerian root or Bulgarian alcohol for every illness known to humankind. My mom litterary told me "You have one month left, then start working. You should be an university teacher". How the hell should I get a PhD without master's?! I have asked my proffesors multiple times. The order is bachelor - master's - PhD. I need PhD to be a proffesor's assistant, then a senior assistant, then a docent, then a proffesor. I can't skip. Skipping master's and becoming a PhD and even proffesor's assistant is like skipping elementary school and highschool and going to college.
I need help. Medical. Psychological. Emotional. But all i recieve from medicals, therapists and family is more pain. Im crying writing this
*Disclaimer: This is satire, based on my disappointment from Bulgarian health system and discrimination of pathients with mental health problems
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Against_the_current
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To be fair, I have known people whose anxiety is greatly helped by valerian, o the doctor wasn't totally crazy suggesting it for you. BUT I realize that valerian wouldn't help you with your ribs and your other issues and for this doctor to tell everyone to take it for everything, as if it is a panacea, is irresponsible malpractice and I do hope you report him. I hope the other patients do, too. I hope you tell your usual doctor about him as well.
What happened to you is inexcusable. If you still have the pain Monday, I hope you'll call your regular doctor or try the ER again and get a different doctor.
I'm am heartened, though, to see that you still are funny and snarky and satirical in the face of being treated so abominably. Hold on to that side of you. When you're finished with school, I hope you'll write more and maybe get some of your pieces published. Perhaps you could start with the opinion pages of your local newspaper?
You're right, of course, about the progression of degrees. Some schools here in the U.S. do have combined MA-PhD programs. Do any of the universities there have programs like that? I do see your mom's point about being ready to deal with people who have been raped, abused, and need help with horrific problems. You mention how easily you get triggered and having patients who need to talk about these issues over and over again for months or even years might not be what you're ready to do.
Do you have any interest in teaching? If your mom thinks that's an easy job, she's wrong. As you know, students bring all sorts of problems to their teachers and I'm thinking you won't want to be like your own professors who blew you off and didn't care.
If you do like the idea of teaching, what about teaching high school? Do you need a PhD for that? You might need to take some courses in teaching, but you could probably get through those in a year and then get a job. Maybe you could be a paraprofessional who would work with only one or two students. Again, I have no idea what Bulgarian schools are like, so I might be way off the mark.
Thanks. Glad you like it. Well, i thought about it. I was in a highschool as my last semester was practice. Tbh i don't see myself as school teacher but i can see myself as university teacher because there are grown people who chose to be in this class and who payed to be in this class, not wild kids or teens. Also the salary and working hours are much better. Mom said dad works two hours a day and gets enough to fund me and my stepmother and her child. For highschool teacher i need master's and for university teacher i need PhD. And apparently psychology got removed from the subjects so i would have to study a brand new subject to teach as well as pedagogy. I can be a school counselor with my master's but i see it as a temporary opportunity of a job. Too bad i again can't report this. Especially because I have anxiety as well. Valerian root is really a light supplement that needs no prescription and bulgarians without clinical anxiety and depression use it freely, but for me whom has diagnosed anxiety, depression and C-PTSD a supplement isn't enough. Especially when i took a heavy med like Clonasepam and it didn't help. It's like having fever and antibiotics and ibuprofen/paracetamol/ aspirin aren't helping and the doctor tells you to take vitamins and herbs. I really thought we used to heal with herbs during caveman times but apparently Bulgaria is still in cavemen times. *Having flashes of terrible villages, terric ruined houses, people, music. I must stay in the city. I must stay in the city no matter how expensive it is....but what if dad doesn't pay for sis because he's paying for me, mom said everyone loved me more than sis and im crippled with guilt*. Im losing my sanity. And the psychiatrist said "i can't give you a new family". And apparently that's the best psychiatrist i could find, i tried many. One almost killed me. She almost killed my friend too. Nobody to report to
2L84x put it perfectly: "I love your writing, it is sweet and acidic at the same time! Like lemonade." Again, writing is a gift you have that you can use to explore your career options.
"Mom said dad works two hours a day and gets enough to fund me and my stepmother and her child." I'll bet if you ask your dad he'll tell you he works a lot more than that. Besides putting in the time teaching, professors have to plan classes, grade papers and exams, are required to sit on committees, hold office hours, participate in hiring and admissions committees, do their own research, keep up on everyone else's research, write papers and books ("publish or perish"), supervise and train new profs and graduate students, oversee PhD students and guide their dissertations, attend weekly faculty meetings, do their lab work, meet with and supervise their TAs, and deal with all the problems their students bring to them. Your mom may have good reason to be unhappy with your father, but she shouldn't denigrate his work and make it seem as if his supporting family members is meaningless.
"I can be a school counselor with my master's but i see it as a temporary opportunity of a job." It's OK to take a temporary job — whether it's as a counselor or as something else — while you find ways to be less dependent on your family and take time to figure out what you really want to do. Don't mind-lock yourself out of options. I made that mistake.
I wasn't suggesting that valerian would solve all your problems and bring about world peace or anything like that, just pointing out that it's a legitimate medicinal aid for a lot of people. "I really thought we used to heal with herbs during caveman times but apparently Bulgaria is still in cavemen times." A lot of modern medications are based on the healing properties of plants and their chemical compositions drawn from plants. The effective ingredient in aspirin is found in willow bark. Turmeric is used to treat inflammation. My docotr just recommended arnica to help heal an injury.
Heavy doses of any drug that is the wrong drug for you aren't going to work. Have you asked your psychiatrist about trying other options? There are also drugs that are used in conjunction with/as supplements to anti-depressants to boost their efficacy. I wonder if something like that might also be worth exploring?
"I must stay in the city. I must stay in the city no matter how expensive it is" — Why? Because you imagine other places are worse? I worry that you are building walls that are fencing yourself in, that you are trapping yourself in the environment that is killing your spirit and warping your mind. I know the saying about how the devil you know is better than one you don't, but I don't think your only choices are between various demons. I believe that there are places in this world where you could thrive and grow and heal, but you'll have to figure out if you can get yourself there. I think that the time will come when you will find a way to do so. Under all your fears I see great strength, perseverance, and determination. I believe you were drawn to psychology in part to help yourself understand through what you have gone and are still going, but also because you want to help others and make a difference for good, which is why volunteering out of Bulgaria might let your spirit soar.
My therapist has said the same thing to me about not being able to give me a new family, but she said it kindly. We have know each other along time and have the context and relationship which allows her to say something honest like that without being cruel. It sounds as if your counselors have not established that kind of trust with you. I'm sorry your therapist was dismissive. It doesn't help to have someone say something like that unless it's followed by some practical advice. Have you talked with your therapist about how to make new friends or win back some of your former companions?
There are regulatory bodies to which you can report brokers and therapists and professors, but you'd have to do some research to find out what they are, and you may not have the energy for that now. But when you do, if you decide you want make such reports which might help others, you can come back to your posts here and have excellent examples and written narratives of what you have experienced to use in those reports.
Do whatever you need to do to get your diploma. Then we'll help you tackle what comes next.
I love your writing, it is sweet and acidic at the same time! Like lemonade.
I always got angry when I heard that saying, "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!". Like you could make lemonade if life hasn't given you any sugar... (But I guess the saying wouldn't really work if it was, "If life gives you lemons and sugar, make lemonade!". Because they want to tell people that you can make something positive out of something negative. But then they should have made up a better saying.) These days I just answer, "Well if life gives me lemons and stupid people, I guess I could make some sort of stew!" and then people back off.
Anyway, it is very frustrating to not be listened to or understood, when people pretend they care but they just want you to go away instead of being a pain in the neck. So I sympathize with you. I hope you soon feel a bit better.
Thank you for calling out all those people who toss out facile bromides like the lemons-to-lemonade "advice." You perfectly articulated the thoughtlessness that lies behind such empty words. And I LOVE your snappy comeback. Thank you. Your post was a gift to us all.
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