Second update on old, alone, sick and afraid

[blueslite]

I came home from the hospital on April 6, posted here and everything was good. Then, not 48 hours later, at about 5am Saturday morning (the 8th) I started coughing up blood. It was horrifying. Good thing I was awake. It took less than 2 minutes - I grabbed my phone, my purse and as I went for the back door I called 911. I got outside and collapsed in my driveway still coughing up blood. I had told the dispatcher the street and house number, she kept asking for an apartment number. I was screaming into the phone "I'm dying! I'm bleeding to death!". I felt paralyzed, I had my phone gripped tightly in my hand. The ambulance came and that's all I remember until maybe hours later when I woke up at the hospital with tubes down my throat, I was being intubated in the ICU. Long story short on Wednesday the 19th they did a bronchoscopy in order to do a biopsy on my lung tissue. On Thursday I came home. They won't have the results for 4-5 days so I don't know what's wrong with me or what caused me to cough up all that blood and I'm sitting here feeling like a ticking time bomb - could it happen again? Or something else? I'm terrified, afraid to go to sleep, afraid to get undressed, ready to call an ambulance again. It took less than 2 minutes from coughing up blood to collapsing and still coughing up blood. The ambulance driver told someone there was blood all over the driveway. Anyway, they did tell me that it was either infectious or cancer. The biopsy will tell. It's a small part of the top right side of my right lung.

That's the gist of it but there's so much more so feel free to ask any questions you like. And that's why I never came back to reply to anyone on the first update - I was in the hospital - my phone isn't a smartphone and I don't have a tablet or anything, only my PC at home. But I think I replied to everyone earlier tonight. Hope I didn't miss anyone.

[Agora1]

Hi blueslite, I remember responding to your post when you came home from the hospital

the first time. You were so happy to find out that your heart was in perfect shape.

They had diagnosed you with pneumonia at that time put you on Antibiotics as well as

saying you needed to go home and continue another 30 days or so on them.

I am not a doctor but want you to know that just possibly this cough that continued

when you got home might have broken a little blood vessel which caused the bleeding.

Try not to focus on it being something more horrific. Once we go that route, we stay

in a stay of fight or flight. I understand how frightened you must be but as you saw

when you called the ambulance that you were in good hands with the paramedics

as well as in ICU. It's going to be okay. I feel it. Keep posting on the forum for support.

We are here for you. Not to worry. We've got you covered xx

[blueslite in reply to Agora1]

Thanks Agora. ❤️ When I came home the cough was completely gone. When I coughed up the blood it felt like I had a whole lot of mucus in my throat but it was blood and I just kept coughing it up. It took less than just 2 minutes before I lost consciousness. The surgeon told me yesterday that the blood came from my right lung. But no reason why. I understand and agree about not focusing on it being worse but it was such a traumatic thing to happen. And I had to clear my throat a little while ago, just slightly, a normal thing for anyone, but it made me nervous, scared. And I realize I'm very tired and hungry. I should have eaten a while ago. I'm cooking something right now. That should make me feel better. Tired and hungry doesn't help anything.

I'm trying to absorb your confidence that it will be okay. Trying to think good thoughts. Don't worry, I'll be here. If I'm not...well, never mind about that. It's good to have a place to go where friends understand.

[Agora1 in reply to blueslite]

blueslite, you are never alone, We wait the wait together

in this community. My best to you xx

[blueslite in reply to Agora1]

Thank you.

[Arymretep]

Wow that must have been so frightening for you, so glad you are back home , try and eat little and often to get your strength back, look after yourself 😘

[blueslite in reply to Arymretep]

Yes, it was very traumatic. Thanks!

[KrierandRosie]

diagnosis?

[blueslite in reply to KrierandRosie]

What diagnosis?

[msamyjoe]

I am so sorry for your troubles. I know that had to be traumatic for you. I am so thankful you had the strength to call 911 before you collapsed. I hope you are doing better and taking it easy. You can always try to drink nutrition shakes like "Ensure" if you are fearful of eating right now. Just do not get dehydrated. That is so hard to overcome.

[blueslite in reply to msamyjoe]

Thank you. Yes, traumatic for sure. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I went grocery shopping this morning and bought some protein shakes. Thankfully I have no problem cooking so I'm eating okay. I'm okay on the dehydration thing too - I've always been a big water drinker. LOL My main problem is all the anxiety this is causing me. I'm nervous, fearful.

[msamyjoe in reply to blueslite]

I am so sorry for the anxiety it is causing. I try to help my son through his anxiety by doing grounding techniques. When you begin to feel fearful or anxious, try this:

Move to a comfortable place, slowly take 5 deep breaths (in through your nose and out of your mouth) visualize yourself breathing in calm and serenity and breathing out all the fear and anxiety. Sometimes, we even use our hands to literally pull in the calm and push out the fear.

Once you complete that, answer the following questions. Do not rush through it, truly focus on the questions and be mindful of the answers.

5 things you hear

5 things you see

5 things you feel (physically feel, like the seat underneath you, the floor under your feet, the hair on your head, the clothes on your body, etc.)

5 things you smell

5 things you enjoy tasting, truly think about that.

That exercise will help you remain present and not focused on the ideas that bring you fear and anxiety.

Also, try to find some local support groups through your community center, church, health centers. They do not have to be support groups, they can be groups of individuals that do things like bingo, travel, dinner, pot lucks, etc. Keeping your body busy will in turn keep your mind busy.

Learn something new. Bake something you have never made but want to try. Visit your local nursing homes and spend some time with the members, volunteer at a soup kitchen, crossword puzzles, drawing, coloring, journaling, and above all, offering your wisdom to others in need of it. You are a wealth of information. Others would love to hear what you have to tell them. ❤️

[blueslite in reply to msamyjoe]

Thank you. I don't understand the 5 questions - 5 things you hear - hear when, right now? There's nothing here to hear, it's very quiet where I am, not a sound. The same for 5 things I smell - there isn't anything to smell here. Socializing with groups - I don't like to socialize, I'm very shy, it's difficult for me to be the first to speak to someone. If someone speaks to me I will answer and can carry on a conversation but otherwise I don't say a word. I'm afraid to drive, I only go a few blocks from my house to the store, don't like traveling at all. Hate cooking. You see, it's very difficult to help me because I'm quite stupid and also there are so many things I hate doing. But thank you for the effort, I do appreciate it.

[msamyjoe in reply to blueslite]

No, you are not stupid at all. You are a kind a brilliant piece to the world. It is a beautiful world because you are in it. Here are a few links that offer some different grounding and mindfulness techniques. Hopefully you can find one that works for you.

choosementalhealth.org/25-g...

therapistaid.com/therapy-ar...

healthline.com/health/groun...

[Good_for_us in reply to msamyjoe]

Hi Msamyjoe, I just came upon this thread almost a year later, and love what you wrote- it’s very comforting as it’s so easy to think less of yourself when life seems so easy for others that don’t have or don’t understand depression and anxiety. So, thank you! 💗 I’m going to try those links you provided, as well.

[blueslite]

Thank you so much for saying that.. As soon as I can't understand something I tend to assume it's because I'm stupid. I should probably stop doing that. Thanks for the links, I know I'll find something there to help me.