Isolation and connection- your thoughts welcomed

[Thankfulforhelp22]

Hello all.

I got a question. For many years (decades really) I have leaned heavily towards isolation as opposed to connecting/interacting with people. Being by myself provided the safety I craved. When I did interact with people I found it took a lot of energy of which there was a limited amount. Not all interactions were the same in terms of comfort level. It gets complicated.

I sometimes got great enjoyment from being around people and realized it was helping me and that I needed to be connected and not just on a surface level. The problem is that my mental inertia/tendencies really make it difficult to be proactive even with family. It's like I can't make myself escape this ingrained behavior. It's so much easier just to give in to inaction. I know what is healthier and more fulfilling but can't get there.

I know this is kind of a rambling statement, but I thought I would try anyway.

Thanks all.

[Starrlight]

I relate so much. I feel safer and calmer away from others but then again, like you, I can get such joy from connecting with people. I would like to have a better balance.

[Hidden]

I really do understand about isolating yourself. I've done it a lot over many years. I find it easier to isolate, especially when people hurt me or don't choose to understand me. I really hate the phone. When I befriend someone, I tell them right off the bat that I am not a caller, and not for them to take it personal. But, being on antidepressants, makes me want to talk to people. It's a love/ hate thing. I love the isolation, since people frustrate me a lot. But I also hate the isolation, since eventually I get lonely and depressed. I just felt I wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Good luck!

[Thankfulforhelp22 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your comments. I really appreciated it. It helps to know you are not alone in fighting a battle.

[Countryfan1]

I am also an isolator. I suggest setting up having dinner with someone who understands once a week, for me I do dinner with my sister every Saturday. Well isolation feels good it can also spiral into more and more negative feelings. Granted everyone is different this just works for me.

[Elizabeth830]

I feel the same way. I isolated myself for so long and now I want to be more social and it’s so hard. Meeting people feels so awkward to me. I hear myself saying that I am boring, this person doesn’t really find me interesting which is just my anxiety/depression talking. The thought of being hurt or rejected is not something I want to deal with. I don’t have to deal with that if I isolate myself. But that’s not healthy. Everyone on here tells me it takes a long time to have a deeper connection to people. That is totally true. At work I tried to be more social about a year ago and now I am starting to feel a little more included but I want to feel included immediately and that isn’t going to happen. Also, with me, if someone includes me too quickly, I get scared and run in the opposite direction. I figure they must want something from me, they couldn’t possibly want to be my friend thus quickly.

I attribute it to when I was little, we had a pool and if I had a new friend start coming around my mother would always say it was only because the pool was open. Maybe initially it was, but what if a friendship could have developed? She robbed me of that.

[Thankfulforhelp22]

Thankful to you all for responding. God bless you.

[designguy]

I can relate and for me a lot of it had to do with having social anxiety which I no longer have anymore. I think being in covid lockdown also added to the isolation and weirdness and we are still recovering form that. Part of my recovery from social anxiety has been forcing myself to do things if I feel the slightest resistance to doing them which has helped me. Going to something even if I don't feel my best has really helped with my confidence and self-acceptance. One thing you might do is kind of build up gradually, I found I enjoy people and being around people even just sitting in a coffee shop or eating lunch somewhere or even going to the store and it gives me a sense of connection and joy.

[Thankfulforhelp22]

I have had thoughts about taking your approach and have tried - a little. But, you are reinforcing my belief that doing what is hard can bring great reward. I kind of know that fighting through the fear is the way and it helps to hear from someone who has found success.

Thanks.

[optimismrus]

Thanks for posting this. Like you and others I struggle with socializing. What I've learned about myself is that I prefer to be with people on my own terms. What I mean is, I like belonging to a group that meets on a regular basis, i.e. a support group, a book club, church groups, etc. Also, I know that I need a lot of time to myself, so I try to stop the negative self talk of "I shoulds". Thanks again, and remember "you're not perfect, but parts of you are excellent"! That's what I tell myself. 🥰

[Thankfulforhelp22 in reply to optimismrus]

awesome - thank you 😀