The isolation is killing me

[Existing]

I've lived in a place I can't stand for 8 years only because I can't figure out how to get out. I reached out for help with my severe depression and trauma when I got here, and that was the biggest mistake. They added layers of additional trauma and pain as I kept searching for competent mental health professionals, until I finally realized it was not safe for me to keep seeking help here. As bad as I was, I just had to shut the world out cuz I couldn't take any more of their "help".After awhile, maybe year 4, I felt a little more stable, and have done my best to seek out any social opportunities and to get involved in meaningful ways here, but this is a horrible place with vacant uninteresting people who have no interest in me. I know this sounds bad, but I've never met such incompetent (stupid) people, like they are completely out of touch with the rest of the world, not knowledgeable about anything (but they have academic credentials (from here) and seem to live in a make believe world where they are all pretty full of themselves. I can't stand it here because I'm such a growth oriented person. I have no friends or family anywhere, and the isolation and lack of opportunity for healing or meaningful engagement is literally killing me. I do have a therapist for the last year, but just to have communication with someone, because she's not useful beyond that. Again, this sounds bad, but it's like I'm too advanced for people here, and with an educated background in mental health, I know what I need, but no one here has it to offer. That is what scares me here... that I'm still too damaged emotionally, in such intense emotional pain for 8 years and have no support whatsoever to help me move forward. I can't bear another 8 years like this, but I see no hope for any progress here, and I can't keep going on like this, feeling like I'm just dying a slow painful death, in my own little empty world. I can't do this alone, but there is no one to reach out to who can be trusted, or even to care.

It's getting really tough these days to stay out of the black hole of darkness and death. We need hope and connection to survive.

[Windsorgardener5087]

Hi Existing,I am here for you even though I am in Australia. 💜

I am just 2 years younger so that we may well mean we have lived through a few interesting times together and more to come judging by the state of the world.

There is a big time zone difference between us but I will reply to your posts when I can. 🐈‍⬛

[Existing in reply to Windsorgardener5087]

Oh thank you so much, I'm not sure if I replied. It's really getting.. thanks

[ThePaperLover]

Hello!

I once had a similar situation in school. I didn't like many people in my school, and this one author made a good point: He said something along the lines of "everyone? That everyone is not the type of person I was looking for? Even if 90% of the people are not the people you want to be around, there's still 10% of good people, you just have to find them!"

That perspective shift changed my mind, because I realized I couldn't really apply my stereotype of my environment to a specific person each time, and I started making more friends and enjoyed school more. Hope this helps, it helped me a lot!

[Existing in reply to ThePaperLover]

Thanks for your kind response, but I don't think that's it. I realized as a young adult I was never going to be part of 90% off people, and also I'm pretty conscious of doing a lot of reality testing on my own thoughts and feelings, like when I go through something repeatedly, im aware that it's probably got something to do with me. So, when I wrote that, know how hard it is to say that, because .. well, cuz I would probably respond just like you.But, I'm pretty dead serious about saying "nobody". And I still leave the possibility that there might be one or two here somewhere. But, I don't have enough in me left to care. The culture is in everything, and it's killing me. I have absolutely no illusion for hope here, ever. And it's taken my life over the 8 years of watching myself fade further and further from a memory of being alive. It just makes sadder every day hiding from the slow painful abandoned memory of a past life. I have to release myself at some point soon. I would not be able to watch a lifeform breathe for years. Put it out of its misery

[PeaceNeed]

Hello ExistingYour situation as far as isolation and having no support mirrors my own. I moved to a new place and feel like the odd man out. I don't fit in. Here you will find many other people experiencing the same pain. My struggle has been going on for 7 going on 8 years now. Each year seems worse than the last. I hope you can find some peace of mind. I try to read and paint to distract myself from the negativity that permeates my brain. Take care E and I do hope the future improves for you.

[Existing in reply to PeaceNeed]

Why do you choose to continue. I think or feel like it's cruel to atrophy. I've never been attached to this material life plane. I did my best to live out my personal mission here in this life that I received many years ago in a very powerful 'spiritual experience that never left me.. but as much as I thought that was to play out in this life time, I'm realizing I don't think that is going to happen here, in this life. Funny, because I know that carries with me, to whatever form and chapter is after this. There's a time to let go, I think.

[PeaceNeed]

With me its time to take a swim in winter

[Existing in reply to PeaceNeed]

Would you like to say more on what you mean with the 'swim in winter'? Like the showering, that feels a bit painful and unpleasant in my mind.