November 1st and I'm already struggling with holiday anxiety. Last 3 years I've been "that guy"... that guy who looks for open bars on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years Eve. You'd be surprised as to how many places are open to cater to the lonely.
I've become "that guy" that sits and sips his Whiskey Sour and stares at whatever is playing on those giant TV screens. I'm not into sports so I usually have no clue as to what is going on during the multitude of games on TV. But I look intently at those screens in order to fit in with the rest of the losers. All the while, my mind will most likely be somewhere else.
"That guy" who can no longer offer anything to his own community by way of volunteering during the holiday season, if only for his own selfish reason in order to feel wanted, needed and of some value.
"That guy" who no longer makes eye contact with people because he's tired of people looking down their noses as they look back at him.
"That guy" who can't help but ruminate on all that has been lost, including himself.
honestly I emotionally avoid the holidays. My birthday is today. It is just a reminder to me. Maybe go to dinner on Thursday but it is just a coincidence. Occasionally someone invites me to thanksgiving dinner but usually not
I don’t expect a lot of joy during this season. I just try to not overthink it’s importance. I don’t go to malls. I’m going to visit my mother the weekend before thanksgiving. Then I will watch goodfellas sometime during the season. I will make something in the slow cooker but not turkey. Way too expensive this year
I usually book a trip for January. First it is cheaper. Second it is less crowded. Third it gives me something to focus on.
It might sound pathetic but it mostly works. When everyone is freezing I will be in the sun in a colorful place
A bar alone is sabotaging and self deprecating. Is there something else you could do? Why do you feel the need to sit in a bar?
I've done the bar thing just to be around people. I used to have a great love for the holidays but much has change. It's no longer the feel - good time of year for me. I agree about it being self-deprecating but unfortunately it's the only option available during this time of year.
I did have a neighbor who has already extended an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner but there's no way I'm going to be in someone's home and being the person that everyone feel sorry for. The only person I would know is her because of course I don't know any of her friends or family.
It's just something that I have never experienced in my entire life up until a few short years ago. The experience of being alone, especially during the holidays. It's an experience that I'm having difficulty in accepting and learning to cope with.
I think that's a great idea, taking a trip somewhere in order to get out of your head. But my ex-wife promised me that she would financially ruin me for the rest of my life, well, she has succeeded so affording a trip, no matter how big a small, is out of the question for me.
Enjoy that sunny and colorful place. You can take us all with you, even if only in spirit.
Your expectations... they are not serving you. Someday you will treasure those years but honestly most people can not say every year was holiday heaven. You have just come down to earth.
I don't accept invites for Christmas but TG is for friends, new and old. That is a perfectly valid invitation and I think you should reconsider. You are completely missing the point of the TG holiday. Refresh your knowledge of history.
The bar is not the only option. There are a ton of meetup groups you can go to. Doesn't mean the "holiday party meetup". Just go to anything you like. That will make the actual holiday feel less lonely because you did something. Pre Covid there were a few movie and hiking groups that would have meetups on the holiday. A mixed bag of people alone or not alone but not into the holiday or just love movies/hiking showed up. Hopefully they are back. I'm mid 50s so don't try the too old bit Just GO!
Hi there!! I feel anxious around the holiday’s too, but for different reasons. I am expected to host and do all the things with no help, so I find myself wishing at times I could hide. I digress…my thoughts are, what if your neighbor invited you because she really wants you there? What if it had nothing to do with feeling sorry for you? Why would everyone there automatically feel sorry for you? I think your anxious mind is lying to you here. I’m not saying you have to go, but I do ask that you try to think of it from a different perspective.
Hello, I'm definitely feeling anxious about it. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses to have a pity party but knowing this neighbor I'm a little afraid that she will give her guests the heads-up about my current situation. A little backstory, I'm very well known in the neighborhood as being the community go-to guy (or at least I used to be) and many have wondered why I've isolated myself from everyone after my divorce. I guess it has to do with shame, embarassem, etc,... So it has been difficult being around folks without the feeling of being judged. I'm certain it's all in my mind but it's been tough to overcome.
I understand. I have been challenging my thoughts too. I think with anxiety a lot of us feel that passerby’s know that we suffer. Like we have a different look to us or something. So to avoid potential embarrassment, or being outed we hide. I started reading the book Dare and in it he says approximately 40 million Americans aged 18 and over have an anxiety disorder. So what is that? Like 1 out of every 4/5 people. I say this to remind you that you aren’t alone, but also because if it is that many of us that means that those we see out and about suffer and we have no idea. So when people see you, they have no idea you are anxious either. Hearing your back story, I think that these people are genuinely interested in having you there. They aren’t doing it out of pity. For all they know you have been working from home, or studying, or anything really. Most people are so caught up in their own lives that they probably haven’t even thought too far into why you haven’t been out and around like you used to be. Just food for thought. I will talk to you on Thanksgiving! Christmas too! I’m here for you.
Thank you my friend..... Believe me when I say your words don't fall on deaf ears. And you're right, some of these folks don't have a clue nor a thought as to what's going on with me. Sometimes we need to be reminded that we're not the only ones going through this.
Wow. Great post. I have felt like that. I hope you feel better soon and find some good company also. I saw your coloring post too. I think that's a great idea as well especially if you enjoy it. I had a therapist a long time ago (from England). She would try to get me excited about my life. I didn't understand but it helped me try new things that I would never have considered. She really supported me moving out by myself the first time in my 30's. I tried a lot when I was younger and it was like very disastrous. It's been long enough I can laugh now. Also, unexpectedly, figured out I had a co-ocurring health problem I didn't know that got better. I have to be really careful what I put in my body. I recommend tea instead of alcohol. And whole foods diet. I feel like I'm channeling what she would have said to me. "Life is a journey, not a race."
I hope you find what you are looking for! You may be surprised by the really awesome things that happen in there. Maybe try befriending those who you don't expect and joining groups and getting a strange therapist. I got a lot, personally, out of support groups. Being alive is hard and I know this and you are valuable. You are doing it. Good job!!!
Thank you for this very inspirational response to my post. I often forget that life is not a race. It's like I'm always in a hurry to go somewhere or do something but I never quite know what that thing is.
Divorce is rough and it’s a process to try to get over it when you’ve been together with someone for a long time. Me and my ex split up, we never had children. It’s complicated, in some ways we are still friends and we talk on the phone sometimes. But I really know by now that nope, we’re not going to try to live together again or anything like that. We’re better off being separated and being friends than trying to make all of that work. And in some ways I’ve really hurt him, I’m lucky that he still wants to talk to me. That’s got to be rather depressing being in bars around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Is that where you really want to be? Besides looking into going to groups on meetup like someone else suggested, have you thought about possibly volunteering your time on Thanksgiving or Christmas at an assisted living center or a nursing home, or places like a homeless shelter or a womens shelter??? There’s people there that are spending the holidays by themselves too and they are going through difficult times. Sometimes just volunteering some of your time to talk to and get to know some of these other people can make all of you feel less alone. There was a time when I didn’t work for awhile, I volunteered three days a week during the day for about six months at a convalescent center. A lot of older people were sort of shut in there. As some of them got to know me I would take the time to play cards with some of them and just ask them how they were doing and get to know some of them. There was one elderly woman who was blind and she would sit by herself in her room a lot. I started talking to her and then she asked me to read certain books of poetry she had to her and we developed some kind of friendship. She appreciated someone just spending some time with her. Consider doing something like that rather than hanging out at a bar. The only reason I go to bars sometimes is when they have karaoke because I enjoy singing and sometimes it’s fun. I usually only drink a Coke and I don’t stay past midnight. Try to have some more meaningful interactions with people than sitting and drinking with televisions blaring. Give it a try.
Hello, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. Unfortunately as a convicted felon I can no longer volunteer for any of the organizations in my community. It's a shame because years ago those were my go-to places. I would often volunteer at the local Jewish center, children's center, and at one point I was even a court appointed child advocate for abused and neglected kids in the foster care system. Unfortunately due to bad decisions I completely messed that up and can no longer do some of the things I was very passionate about. About a year ago I tried doing a meetup group in Manhattan and that didn't go well for me. I got very self-conscious because as soon as I showed up, even though I was still wearing a face mask at that time, folks were able to see my tattoos and body work that all reflect my days as a biker. Needless to say I was made to feel a bit less than welcomed. So, I never gave it a second chance.
I'm sure there are a few more things I can possibly get into if I really tried looking around but I have waved the white flag and have pretty much given up. So I lowered any bit of standard I had and decided to just do the loser thing and hit the bars. But believe me I'm certainly not alone in these dives. Plenty of misfits to go around. And of course the only place I would dare participate in karaoke would be in my shower... 🤣🤣🤣
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Oh okay. I’m sorry that’s where you’re at. I’m kind of wondering what you got convicted for but I’m sure you probably don’t want to talk about it. I don’t know, maybe you could do something like visit some other people who are in jail who don’t have any family or friends visiting them. Would an organization like the Salvation Army let you do anything to help them out? Like something where you’re not with people but you could help organize food pantry stuff or something? Or could you get involved with some kind of church in some way? I’m just trying to come up with some ideas. There’s got to be some other kinds of things you could be part of than sitting silently at a bar. That is depressing!!! You’re life isn’t over yet. Whatever happened in the past, it’s in the past. You’ve got to figure out what kind of direction you want to go in now.
That's awesome that you're trying to come up with ideas. I really appreciate that. It was because of my conviction in 2008 that I decided to leave the biker community. Been riding solo ever since. But unfortunately some things follow you wherever you go for life. Life was okay for a while but then came divorce in the middle of a Pandemic. So needless to say I found myself in a place where it was easier to throw in the towel than continue to fight. I think it's very kind of you to try and help, we should all have people like that in our lives.
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