Afraid of everything

[Mandakate27]

I normally don't post on boards like this, but I feel like nobody gets what I'm feeling. My family doesn't do feelings, my few friends have so much of their own stuff going, and my counselor makes me feel like a nutcase...I'm literally paying her to make me feel worse how is that okay.

I have a lot of fears that are holding me back. I'm so afraid of driving I'm 27 and have never had a drivers license which really sucks living in rural Montana. Just the thought of driving and I feel like I can't breathe and am shakey. I picture myself behind the wheel and I just imagine myself losing control and getting into a wreck.

I have never been in a relationship. Every man I've ever been interested in has destroyed what little confidence I did have. The most recent led me on for 4 years only to find out he had secretly gotten married. I was picked on as a kid called fat, ugly, you name it. It's gotten so bad when I'm around an attractive man I feel like I morph into some hideous monster. Every time I see something romantic on TV or a movie my chest tightens and I literally...and I mean literally feel like I am being punched in the stomach. I feel so broken and don't even know how to begin to heal and get over this pain. I specifically asked my counselor for tools and exercises to help with this and the only advice she had was, unfortunately that's how life works and it was a learning experience. I don't even think she gets it's not just about wanting a relationship but to be a normal functioning person. I mean I should be able to sit on an airplane near an attractive man without having a severe anxiety attack for hours. This happened and it was so embarrassing. I pretended to be asleep so no one could see I was crying.

I feel so dumb even posting this but hey maybe if even one person understands maybe I don't feel so broken.

[Hidden]

If it helps I am forty this year and never drove a car or been in a romantic relationship. I don’t feel I am missing out on anything. Everyone is different. You have to learn how to just go with life. Things will happen when the time is right. Like the old song title says to everything there is a season.

[Mandakate27 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words I think my biggest problem right now is just the fear of trying....like something will go terribly wrong if I go after what I want. I almost feel undeserving or something. I will keep reminding myself though that life can't be forced and will happen when it happens

[Butterfly2424]

Hey I read your post and sorry to hear what you are going thru! My 16 year old son is experiencing exactly what your are as well. We just took a walk and he is so confused. Is like he doesn’t know how to express or bare with his emotions. He starts to cry and as a mother it kills me to not know what to do. Are you seeking professional help?

[Mandakate27 in reply to Butterfly2424]

I'm so sorry to hear your son is struggling. Being a teenager is so hard. I'm glad he has you to confide in, even he doesnt have the words to express himself. I will keep you guys in my thoughts. I've gone to a couple different counselors but just haven't quite found one that will listen, which is so frustrating.

[Butterfly2424 in reply to Mandakate27]

Ahh I’m sorry, I know what you mean...not everyone can understand what you go thru and understanding where your coming from. We have gone thru 2 mental hospital and like 4 different counselor and some I just believe they are there for a pay check sorry to say, but that’s how I feel 😬. Feeling depressed is the worst feeling ...

[Vonnah]

You and me are like exactly the same. I am 20 years old and i don't have my license either. The thought of driving and being in control and behind the wheel gives me crazy and awful anxiety. I hate it. I want to overcome this but haven't yet.

I never had a relationship and it makes me feel worthless. I was bullied in high school and was called ugly almost everyday.

My family doesn't do feelings either and i was emotionally neglected as a child and teen by my parents. I hate my life. I have no friends and I've always been on my own and all alone.

I had depression and anxiety since 12 years old. Life sucks for me.

Your not alone and i can relate to everything your saying. Please private chat me on here if you want to.

[Mandakate27 in reply to Vonnah]

I just want to give you hug! Maybe we can work through some of our anxieties together, be a support system. Please don't think what those bullies said about you is true, I know easier said than done. And you are not worthless because you've never had a relationship. Feel free to message me too!!

[Vonnah in reply to Mandakate27]

Of course we can work together on this. People like us gotta stick together. It's hard to think what they said isn't true. Still can't believe i thought after high school all my depression and anxiety would magically go away just because i wouldn't be bullied anymore. Ehhh- wrong! 😢

Guess this will be my whole life battle. Being called ugly at such a young age......not to mention going home and getting emotionally neglected, emotionally and verbally abused...yeah still can't believe i didn't harm myself or end it all. Don't know what kept me going. Even now i don't know how i keep going. I guess I'm used to the pain and suffering. All i know is my own self neglect and self hatred. Thank you for your sweet words.

[Mandakate27 in reply to Vonnah]

You are such a strong and amazing person! And you are going to get through this! I had those same thoughts in high school, that college would somehow be different. It was but not in the sense I had expected. People could still be cruel and I still had my demons. But I also discovered how much I love poetry and that became something that really helped me. Do you have any hobbies or outlets like that where you feel like you can completely be yourself?

[Vonnah in reply to Mandakate27]

Nope. I used to write and i haven't in months. I did a little when i was being bullied in high school. I stopped. I just need help--a therapist. I think now i realize from being emotionally neglected as a child and teen, i always had problems feeling like my emotional needs matter and that includes writing. I feel like writing won't make a difference. It can feel good but still nobody will ever hear my cries or read what i think anf all that i have buried deep inside. I never had my feelings and emotions validated. I was ignored by my own parents and abused......so maybe that's why i neglect myself and been doing it since a young girl. I just don't think I MATTER. I feel worthless and feel like everybody's life would be better off because I'm a burden. So in the end nobody would wanna read what i gotta write or say. Because I've always felt invisible. But i think it's better that way and used to it now......

I have no talents, hobbies, or skills. I just don't know myself. I have a very bad sense of self. I'm still learning from research. That is also a affect of emotional neglect. I really don't know who i am. I always felt lost since middle school. Just a hollow shell of a stupid little child. I'm just being real with myself.

[Butterfly2424 in reply to Vonnah]

Hey your not alone! As I read your post, you are very smart and have more great things to come in life. Let Time role and you’ll see the great things to come. Try to make plan like goals you want to achieve which will motivate you. Also you think you don’t have skills but you do. You just have discovered them. Your emotions are not helping you to see that but continue to talk to someone never bottle everything in on what you think and feel. Your not alone! Everyone has felt alone and continue to do so. I joke that helping others help YoU feel great. Maybe joining in a charity to keep in busy and engaged in helping others will eases the struggle. Please let me know your progress! I’m eager to know every step! Have a beautiful day!

[Vonnah in reply to Butterfly2424]

Thank you, your advice is good and sweet. I try to set goals. I want to go to Job Corps so i can become a nurse. I want to help people with mental illnesses as a career. I'm very interested and fascinated in becoming a psychiatric nurse practitioner!!!!!!! I know that will take years to get there but I'm trying to be positive but it's hard and sure not gonna pretend anymore so i say what i feel.

[Butterfly2424 in reply to Vonnah]

Hey hope your feeling better today! I love you goals! Go for it, your experience will definitely help others! What better than someone who knows the feeling. I look forward to hearing your achievements!

[Vonnah in reply to Butterfly2424]

Thank you so much. I am....actually having a good day because i got great news from Job Corps. Looks like everything is going the way i need it too in order for me to change my life.

Of course i want to help others and it's all i care about really. Yeah i hope i can share my personal stories with people to help them and make them realize i'm right there with them❤

[Hidden]

First, change your counselor! Second deal with this before you wake up and you are 50 married to the first man who showed you interest only to find out you wish you had stayed single. Listen I can tell you you are making something very simple into a unmovable mountain but you will have to learn for yourself, or do you. You need encouragement, you need to surround yourself with people who care. Find a church filled with love of Christ. People who are having a hard time dealing in the world need to be in church. Praying!

[Elixus]

I understand what you’re going through, but just keep telling yourself, it is not forever... because it’s not.

I would do all you can to ditch that counselor, it doesn’t sound like they know what they’re talking about. Possibly it’s one just giving some “tough love” but that really is not helping you here, and not what you need. I think you should seek therapy from someone else in my opinion.

What you need are some baby steps. What is at the top of your anxious list? Is it driving? Dating? Something else? Once you identify what causes you the most anxiety, other things will start falling into place quite easily. The important thing is to not think of everything as a whole and how hard it seems to get to. Take one day at a time, take one goal you have, and break it into tiny little goals. So instead of thinking “getting my drivers license”. Think along the lines of “read a book about rules of the road”.

I live in a very busy area, so the thought of driving terrified me for the longest time. I didn’t get my license until I was 24, and even then, I drove to my house, and work; that’s all. Once I started getting usdd to what I was doing through experience, my confidence level grew, so maybe on the way home I’d tell myself to stop at the store to treat myself (that way it didn’t seem like a chore).

I think you’re not giving yourself credit where it’s due. You sound like an incredibly tough and courageous person. What have you got to lose if you try?

[Mandakate27 in reply to Elixus]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am going to take your advice with taking baby steps. ❤

[Hidden]

It sounds like you need to seek a new therapist, we don't always click with the first one! I'm scared of driving in the winter, so I can relate to how you feel. Know how strong you can be & focus on that! Don't allow any one to take your power from you! Wishing peace for you!!! Here's a big hug!!! XXX

[Mandakate27 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much!!

[Hidden in reply to Mandakate27]

My pleasure!!! XXX

[legallystressed]

Oh honey, I just want to tell you you’re still very young and it can happen for you. But your counselor doesn’t seem to be helping you in any constructive way. Have you thought about a new counselor?

[Mandakate27 in reply to legallystressed]

I've decided to stop seeing. Right now I'm honestly doing better just researching cbt worksheets. I'm glad I came here and got input from you guys....a lot of times I just assume I'm being over sensitive

[legallystressed in reply to Mandakate27]

Good, cbt has helped me a lot actually

[Hidden]

I relate to your post a lot!! I limit my driving to local and my family doesn’t understand. I’d be happy to share information with you if you’d like to talk. Lynn

[Mandakate27 in reply to Hidden]

That would be awesome Lynn! Good for you having the courage to drive in town, I know how hard that is

[Hidden in reply to Mandakate27]

Thank you! Sometimes it is hard

[Hidden]

Our family is like that. The part of not showing emotions. We hardly ever hug before we go our separate ways. That's the way it always have been. I hate that we don't hug, say I love you or anything. But we have a bond where if one needs help, we are there for each other. So why the unemotional output? Not sure. Maybe someday. I'm sorry you've gone thru those relationships with those men. They weren't truly men if they treated you like that. I hope you find the man of your dreams and get married and have a "real" happy life. You deserve it.