I don't want her to die.I finally desided to call mom to ask for new year but she changed her number so i called granma. She's again with this sick voice. Said she's getting back to hospital after the holidays. Felt really upset.
Tried to cheer up by talking about pets. I told her i will get a Pet once i get a job and bigger accomodation. She said the daughter of the priest Studies, works and helps her father in the farm. Said mom also worked while studying. First granma doesn't give me the money to live, this is between me and dad. If dad tells me to work, i will. But granma has no right to judge. Second i'm 1 year behind her-She's graduated, i haven't. 3rd she's a teacher, mom's a doctor, i'm a psychology student. Teachers and doctors in Bulgaria get hired without even applying. Psychologists have hard time finding a job, getting a licence, courses, qualifications... 4th I'M DUCKING ILL AND THEY MADE ME. DO THEY UNDERSTAND GENETICS AND PSYCHOLOGY? NO, THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THEY MADE ME ILL.
THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THEY SHOULD HAVE MERCY ON ME. ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION ARE JUST BEING WEAK FOR THEM. THEY DON'T SEE THEM AS REAL ILLNESSES THEY CAUSES. Plus i have C-PTSD making me act like a...the way i act. (i wrote ducking on purpose so it's not too explicit lol).
The fact that only anti epileptic meds are able to help me act like a human not like a monster for some brief hours is making me think what if i have epilepsy. I trembled through the night. Idk. I need a serious diagnizis so my family stops treating me like shiz.
I forgot what i was about to write. My heart is going insane.... But Who cares? Ppl think that because i'm 20 something im immortal and invincible. I want to scream and curse. I'm not like that. I'm usually really shy but since cptsd im vulgar and angry all the time. It was hard for me to not scream to grandma but i knew it would kill her. Idk how i will survive Christmas with her. I have to medicate myself hard and still will panic.
Btw my first su1cide attempt was december 2018 when i was 18 and Grandma told me my coisin works and i'm not. Then my sister found me, screamed, Grandma came and slapped me with words "ligla" which is like "a bitch who is weak and only pretends and
