I had a lot of reflection to do today, which led me to the realization that I didn't live the way I should have. I had all the tools and privileges to make me lead an "excellent" youth, where I'd look back as an elderly man and say "Oh, I lived," but I didn't.
My high school and college experience were not bad, but they were bland, "vanilla", if you may. I didn't do what my other classmates did; I didn't go on trips with my friends, I didn't skip class, and if I were sick and had to skip, I'd spend the day worried and feeling guilty. I didn't drive, so I missed a lot of nights out with friends because I was too embarrassed to burden someone with picking me up and driving me back.
I was anxious a lot, so I didn't even work on my hobbies, my cooking and writing. I have always wanted to create a blog about cooking and I always thought I'd have a novel written and ready by the time I am twenty-seven. Clearly I am far from all of these achievements.
I want to eulogize my youth, which I spent in utter banality. Anxiety might be the beast that chased me through the jungle, but my mindset is the culprit that made me take the longer turn and waste so much time on the escape. So much time that I am still running.
I look in the mirror and I see so much wasted potential. Sometimes I don't even realize who's in the reflection, frightened eyes that stare back at me, but I know that behind them lies a great amount of unused strength. The intelligence everyone around me keeps praising, especially at work, where is it when I need it? Where was it when I needed it then?
In a way, it all seems like a waste, the years given to me. I wish I were able to spend them on fruitful endeavors, but I only lived them for the commonalities, school and work, with a completely vapid rest-of-life that was only spiced with a ladle-full of anxiety and fear.
I am petrified by the thought of wasting more years in such circumstances. I still have 50-60 years to live and living those decades thus is completely unfeasible and intolerable.
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alat
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I think most of us can look back and regret something or lots of somethings. However, we of the anxiety ridden bunch can fall into a bad trap. You get stuck in the cycle of regret which leads us to get more depressed. Then the anxiety overwhelms us and we don't chance that next step. More regrets. I think we all need to adopt the AA creed and take it one day at a time. I know this battle, I've fought it many times and still get stuck there at times. Try to make your goals small and celebrate them for the big things they are even if it's only on here where people will understand. Accept the rough moments and reach out for support. When you beat yourself up when something feels too hard, you just makes things worse. So, if this eulogy is a genuine letting go good for you, if not leave it as much as the past as you're able to. Good luck and we're here!
Well that was very thought out and well-written. I can see you being an author of some type of novel. It makes me think of a poem by Blake Auden from his book Murmuration. The poem goes like this;
Anxiety is not free
It cost me more than I know
How to give
These days it's the most
Expensive thing I own.
True words have never been spoken. I understand what your life has been like. I had anxiety since I was 9 years old. At that time I didn't know what it was and frankly no one else did either. I unfortunately was caught in a time where mental health wasn't really discuss. You were either stupid or lazy. I was classified as lazy. I didn't want to apply myself. I was an a honoral student. Then when I got to middle school in A and b honor roll student. I was never lazy. I was just too terrified to go to school. Partly for this anxiety was because my third grade teacher bullied the hell out of me. And that stayed with me. My parents separated when I was in the second grade. I witnessed them have countless arguments. And when my dad left that broke me. My mom then turned her anger and frustration out on me. I was not the kid to be confrontational and stand a firm. I guess she might say I brought it on myself because I was a shy kid. The only thing I had going for me was that I was tall for my age. But like you I didn't get to do the things normal children at my age did. Go to sleepovers that was totally out of the question. I didn't get my driver's license until I was 24 not at 15 or 16 like most. Never went to prom and shamefully never graduated from high school. Never dated in high school. Didn't get the college experience. However, it is never too late to start living. Everyday you get a new chapter and since you are the author of your own story, you can change that. Yeah I didn't learn how to drive until I was 24 but I did learn. And I got pretty damn good at it too. I never dated in high school. However I did end up meeting the love of my life and now I'm engaged to him. We've known each other for 10 years. I never thought I would go by myself on an airplane. But I've done it at least three times. Never thought I would get to a place where I would be able to travel to different states. Or see different cities other than ones that are nearby me that my mom has taken me to. But I've visited Pittsburgh and I visited New York City three times. I drove 4 hours to another city. Something in my teens I would have never saw myself doing. And I was hella proud of myself. now even though I suffered this setback in my life and I am crawling my way out of this hole. I see and get glimpses of who I used to be. She is not lost. She is still there. It's like I'm a drift at sea and she is on the dock. It might take me a little while but eventually I will see her again I'll just meet her at the other dock. Self-reflection is okay. But I wouldn't stay stuck on it though. What good does it do you to reflect on what you've missed out on? It's in the past and the past is history. But everyday you get another chance. You know what they say past is history, the future is a mystery but today is a gift, that is why it's called the present. Or to quote red from the Shawshank Redemption get busy living or get busy dying. You can get over this anxiety. And start living life. You said it feels like anxiety is chasing you through a jungle. Maybe it's time you become the hunter and you start chasing it. And I know you can do this. 🫂❤️
I think it's important to realize that where you are in life today is because of the knowledge you had at the time and you did to protect yourself and did the best you could at the time. We only gain wisdom and hindsight by our lived experiences. Unfortunately, none of us get to go back and have a do over. By continuing to have regrets and beat ourselves up over our past we just keep ourselves stuck in the past reinforce our low-self-worth/self-esteem and accomplishes nothing and continues to keep you powerless. So forgive yourself and accept you did the best you could at the time and focus your energy on healing your anxiety/depression so you can get on with living the life you want.
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