After the final investigations, it appears in only a few hours the attacker send 718000 emails and abused a couple of other services of my email provider. The attacker exploited a vulnerability in my website so my responsibility was engaged.
After negotiations, my provider reduced my bill to 1600$. For me, it is still a huge amount.
This put an end to my attempt at making some money online from my expertise in IT. Not only I didn't have the necessary skills to make some income, but now I will have debt for several months.
Computer programming was my passion since I was 12yo. I never made a living of it. And at nearly 50yo, the universe gives me a clear sign I have to abandon every hope. I'm completely desperate. I'm giving up on my lifelong dream. And I have absolutely no idea what I will do now.
My current feeling are very dark. I feel like my life was totally useless and everything I did or try was a waste of time.
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Sylvain-
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12 Replies
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there must be other ways you can make money from computers
Thanks Vonus559. There "must be other way"... I tried to convince myself of that for years. And I tried many things. Probably in an awkward and pathetic way, but I tried. For years I was sad seeing " unskilled" junior devs landing the job I dreamed of. I was jealous when one of my students well below the average obtained a nice first position. But the reality is I was the loser, the unskilled one, the imposter.
Frig... I like to listen to stories of hacks and stuff. A few years ago someone found a vulnerability at Facebook and Google (!) with their billing system. They stole MILLIONS before they were caught which took YEARS! Facebook and Google employees fell for, of all things, a SPOOFED email... English wasn't their first language so there were probably grammatical errors... for a large tech company? Simple stuff. The thieves were stupider because they weren't satisfied with one or two mil. They had a whole group sending "invoices".
Point is obviously these hackers are smart enough to fool the best. Don't feel bad. Or let THAT ruin your goals. Just last night I saw a documentary that highlighted people who changed careers at 55 and 60ish. Heck... if I lose my current job in the next 5 years I will be changing my career. I might change anyway! I'm older than you. You got time.
You already gave me more support and advice than I would deserve. I joined the forum at an all-time low. And at some point, I really saw a small light in the dark that brought me hope.
But it has gone. For years I pretended I was good at IT, but I just didn't have a chance with the recruiting process. When I saw I would never have a developer job, I tried recording course videos and writing blog posts. But once again it was a failure because I wasn't able to produce content on regular basis.
The truth is recruiters were right: I do not have the required skills and capabilities. It's not even a question of age: that also was a lame excuse. I'm just not good. I have to admit it, but for now, it's really painful.
"I wasn't able to produce content on regular basis." this is super hard and really has nothing to do with developer skills. Good advice is if you don't love doing it dump it. I know a couple that is successful at it but man do they love making them... totally passionate. That would never be me.
You do have options. One thing I observe is you project an desire for the job more than the craft. If all you care about is the job then do something else! Like I said before there are a ton of careers and businesses that are better suited for those that are older and do not have young children.
But if it is the craft you care about then do it! There are so many free courses. Make a mobile app and put it on the google store for grins. You don't need to worry about third person approval. You can be more creative. Who cares if it gets one download and it is your nephew! Plenty of people also end up with a career out of their hobby. Just have fun!
What I see is someone that just needs to open their mind a little and just try stuff. Don't even bother with a "goal". You could pick up a pen and doodle for now... it would show you how to let go. Make a paper airplane... whatever. 🤷♀️
I felt so bad today that I didn't feel the energy to add more comments. But your response made me think. And focusing on abstract problems helped me for a few minutes to create distance with my sad emotions. For what it is worth, here are the fruits of my reflections.
So, you asked what I wanted. Instead of that, let's talk about what I am and what I need.
I'm suffering from very low self-esteem. Like all people with LSE, I seek to compensate for my perceived deficiencies through external validation (acceptance, admiration, respect) while at the same time fearing rejection (being ignored, disliked, or ridiculed).
This leads to two somewhat opposite coping strategies: avoidance and the search for others' approval.
Avoidance in domains where I do not excel according to my standard because failure would mean rejection and every imperfection would be a potential attack vector for adverse judgments.
Approval in domains where I comply with self-imposed very high standards. This is the only way to hope for some approval without risking any disapproval.
That latter is particularly important as people with LSE have a great sensitivity to critics and negative feedback, whether justified or not. Justified criticisms or adverse events would confirm their incompetencies. And when facing unjustified criticism, because of the poor perception of their capabilities and worth, they pain at refuting threats and objections. Which leads to more withdrawal and avoidance strategies.
With such a profile, it's understandable for people with LSE to seek approval through irrefutable professional/academic accomplishments or in narrow and very specialized occupational activities.
Speaking about me specifically, my assumed field of expertise was IT. For all my life, that was the buoy that prevented me from drowning. Now I doubt that too.
So, what do I need? Something I could be proud of, and that I could show to receive authentic approval. I don't know exactly which form it would take. Unfortunately, and despite all the support from the forum, I am stuck in a downward spiral where each failure to meet my expectations leads to more withdrawal behaviors, to the point I would like to disappear completely.
is LSE a disorder or a variable? I’ve been pondering a lot about how the way we think of these things as labels impacts our ability to heal or learn how to work with it. We use labels incessantly. LSE is also about sensitivity which the tech worlds needs badly right now. You could bury it or harness it.
I’m saddened that you don’t see how much you have to be proud of. You have written about a wife and children. You write about being able to teach. That’s the stuff you remember at the end…not the career. Is there a French “it’s a wonderful life”?
There is no such thingas the universe giving you a sign, this is just bad luck. You should continue, you could even make a post about the security vulnerability and let others know about it. 🙂
So many engineers rely on people like you putting information out there online, it's a wonderful service you are providing for others.
As I said above in response to Blueruth, I wasn't even able to create content on a regular basis.
I have countless half-written blog posts I will never complete. And I'm so ashamed and depressed I don't see how I could write a word of this incident.
You seem to have an unrealistic opinion of me. Today I realized I failed because I deserved it.
I don't believe you deserve it, bad stuff happens, it's part of the pain and suffering of human existence. The way we view reality makes it so.
You were doing something meaningful which can help people, that's incredibly noble. Whether you finish or not you had good intentions and that's important.
I think you are capable, the recruitment process for big businesses is rediculous, everyone wants experience when what they actually need is someone with a willingness to learn.
"the recruitment process for big businesses is ridiculous, "
☝️When I was a sucker for recruiters I got so stuck working with one set of Microsoft tools. They wouldn't talk to me if I didn't have x years on x tool. I was so sick of it. No more!
I assume you have checked with other sources than your provider to make sure you are actually liable for these costs. If someone hacked my website and sent all those emails from it, it damn well would be my providers responsibility not mine for allowing the security hack in the first place.
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Disclosing my condition to someone I like
The long road ahead
Someone to Talk to
My thoughts at the moment 
