Tired pf existing like this

[Milkshake_15]

I used to be a hopeful person. I could believe that things were going to work out even when I couldn't see how...but this year I feel like my hope died. A large project I've been working on failed (or it feels like it failed) and I don't feel like I have a purpose anymore. I have anxiety attacks daily. The anxiety never leaves. It's like a shadow that has completely taken over my mind and the only time I get a break is when I'm asleep. I'm trying to start a new project with something else I'm passionate about but I'm TERRIFIED to try. My anxiety, perfectionism and depression make moving forward feel like a monumental task. I swing back and forth between being excited to do something new and crying hysterically because it seems impossible for anything to work out for me.

I miss the person I used to be. I hate living like this. I hate anxiety and depression. I wish I could rip them out of my brain and go back to being the happy go lucky person I was.

[Bozfish]

Do you have a therapist? Would you take medication? I’m on low doses of Xanax and Wellbutrin. Not sure if meds help much but better than nothing, I guess. I hope you feel better; try to do your project and no matter how it turns out, you are trying. Love and hugs.

[Hidden]

I'm not sure if it applies to you fully or not, but I remember my own self-judgement completely killing the drive to complete the little creative projects I wanted to do. It would get so bad that I would end up writing enormous outlines of the project, without ever actually starting it itself lol.

The only way I stopped myself from being overly-critical of my work, is to just do it without any regards to quality. Quantity comes first, then quality as you polish it. And as a personal note, don't write huge overly-detailed outlines for anything, it kills creativity. However, depending on what you're working on, it can still be useful to break the project down into little pieces to make it easier on your mind to complete. So instead of having the whole thing in mind while you're doing it, you just focus on little tasks one-by-one.

All in all, a project can never fail, as long as you're satisfied with it.

Also if you don't mind me asking, what kind of project were you working on (and are working on now)? You don't have to say if you don't want to

[Milkshake_15 in reply to Hidden]

I'm trying to start a YouTube channel talking about writing and critiquing movies, but I can't get my brain to cooperate long enough to get anything done 🤪

[Hidden in reply to Milkshake_15]

Which aspect of it do you think is the hardest? I know that with video editing you need the script to read from, and the audio of you reading it. Don't worry about the actual "video" part of it until the end, it just needs to be a black screen with your voice first and foremost.

Let's say you're making a video about your critique of a book:

Don't focus on the introduction and conclusion of your critique first, ever. Those two are typically the last things people write down, because of how difficult they tend to be. I would write from favorite to least favorite chapters, because then you won't have to slog through the more boring parts first. Make sure you don't touch your writing at all until you move on to actually polishing them. In other words, don't polish anything until the very end, unless you want to end up constantly rewriting and rewriting and rewriting...

Next comes a choice. You can either revise one chapter-critique at a time, record the result, move on to the next, and repeat. Or you can revise every chapter-critique one after another without recording in between. Option one is a lot easier on the mind, but you'd need to make sure that you don't let your perfectionism kick in and tell you to redo the whole section. Option two is more "structurally sound"; it makes sure that the problem of option one doesn't happen, but it can be taxing to write all at once.

I wouldn't stress at all about speaking your lines. You should record at least 1-2 sentences at a time, instead of doing entire paragraphs (or even the whole thing) in one take. You'll string them together in editing anyway. After you're finished with the entire voiceover, you can go back and look through the quality of each of them; re-record the ones you absolutely positively know are "bad", but don't end up re-recording the whole thing in a bout of perfectionism. The benefit of multiple small takes means that you can just easily delete and replace them, without having to redo anything major.

As for actual video editing techniques, that's where my advice runs dry (I don't know anything about it).

Sorry if that was a bit long and rambly, I'm probably just telling you everything you already know lol

[Milkshake_15 in reply to Hidden]

I was thinking of doing shorts first because I currently don't have a computer to edit longer videos on. It's the mental aspect that's getting to me the most, I'm so afraid of failing I don't want to try (which subsequently means I'm failing lol) I know consistency is more important than views right now, but I can't stop obsessing about the numbers or comparing myself to successful YouTubers

[Hidden in reply to Milkshake_15]

We're all just a bunch of walking, self-fulfilling prophecies lol. If we believe our reality to be one way, then we'll subconsciously do everything in our power to fulfill that belief. When we let ourselves sink into our fears too deeply, then we can become that fear. An intense fear of failure makes people act as if they've already failed; while an intense desire for success makes people act as if they've already succeeded.

You're obviously aware of that: knowing that your fear is causing inaction. And as long as you're at least somewhat aware of it, it can't possibly go downhill from there

[AnxiousSilver]

"I miss the person I used to be. I hate living like this. I hate anxiety and depression. I wish I could rip them out of my brain and go back to being the happy go lucky person I was."

I'm still guilty of saying this (especially the part that I bolded, but the rest too), but wow.. I said this A LOT when I first broke down.

.

So I had this former mentor (who sadly has passed on years ago), and I used to complain to her A LOT that I hated the way that I was after I broke down.

But she was always quick to say that my former lifestyle that I was living was, "What brought on the breakdown."

.

Here.. (before I broke down) I used to be a crazy workaholic.

I used to work full time. I used to go to school full time, and I had an Ex-GF of 5 years that needed my constant attention full time.

People used to constantly warn me that I was basically burning the candle on both ends, and they were worried about me. Of course I ignored their warnings, and had a bunch of, "I told you so" people who then eventually faded out of my life after they had the chance to tell me, "I told you so".

.

I will say this. "I'm not happy that I had a breakdown", but I'm glad that it happened before I got married and probably would have had kids. (because that would have probably been a divorce with my Ex, and being "that dad" that tries to buy my kids happiness)

.

But my main point - Yes, I still have those thoughts to this day, and I still remember my former mentor telling me, that my former life is what brought on that breakdown.

I "try" to remind myself that (because it's not always easy to catch), whenever I have those feelings.

[Hidden]

I can relate to how you feel. It’s tough feeling depressed a lot of the time. You have to find what makes you happy and what inspires and motivates you.

[Mrspjsmom]

People often tell me that I am my own worst enemy. They are right. I am very hard on myself and it sounds like you are too. Try to hold on to that excitement. There's a good chance this project won't fail. So go for it.