I do not self understand

[OtOFrance]

Hi from France Guys and Gals !

For anyone who does not know me, I lool like a joker, a funny guy. Someone with no problem and no bad side. When I look at myself in the mirror, I sometimes feel the same. I have a well paid job, a great wife, a nice little Breton house, a small boat and I work from home.

But ... here comes the truth. I feel like there is a giant hole under me and I spend my life buiding scaffolds not to fall. They will sometimes be drugs (xanax, sleeping aid...), they will sometimes be food (too often) and they, now, tend to be alcool (whisky mostly).

As I explained in an other post, my life is at no point different to anyne's. Dad died in last June (all dads must die one day), I spent most june and july helping mum worh the insurance and social security things. Then, at the end of July, we went to Paris for a few days with my wife to celebrate our first anniversary. She felt in the hotel room and broke 2 of her leg bones (tibia and fibula) and now rests in bed 23 hours per day.

I prepare lunchs, take care of home and everything. Nothing "spectacular" nor exceptionnal, this is part of the less-fun parts of marriage I guess.

When I want to be fair to myself - sometimes I do - I compare those "macro" issues to those people who have no money to live, no money to have a house or are sick at hospital. I say "dad may still be alive today, he'd be connected to plenty of machines and he would not be himself anymore". In one single word, I have what it takes to be happy and live a pretty life.

But no. It is not the case. I do not miss anything "material" (not sure this is english, sorry dudes), all I know is that I miss something. Now that the paper work for dad is over, is feel useless. I try to help my wife as much as I can (and once again, in my words, no tasks are for men or for women only, anything can be shared) but I feel like I am here as a tool, provide a service then disappear behind a screen.

I really try to self understand. I read loads of books about self esteem, well being or other meditation stuffs. They all have great ideas, as long as you are just a bit worried about being the nices guy at the office or if you need to get a wage increase. They will not help build what was not build at the teen age. Neither what was destroyed years before.

Am I the only one feeling like that ? What am I sick of ? Am I sick ? Is this depression ? Is this bi-polarity ?

Not sure what to think, what to say, how to live !

Have all happy day !

[Blueruth]

I think you are correct that you are missing something. I can relate. My life isn’t that “perfect “ but I am in a better place than most so I try to help even when I’d rather be hiking. I can’t say what it is but it probably involves giving back. Donations are nice but kind of limited in impact. Helping your wife is nice but most women don’t consider it “nice” to help their spouse. It just needs to get done. Helping someone get a raise is good but that’s probably part of your job or it should be since the cost to live never goes down.

You are clearly good with people and want to help. Use those skills and your position in life to find a passion but maybe look outside your bubble.

[designguy]

You might look into information about attachment style and co-dependency. I didn't think I had issues with co-dependency until recently found out more about it and attachment style which we develop very young. Through learning about it I realized I have been looking for validation from my mother and was co=dependent on her for approval instead of being able to be my real self. With awareness of what was really going on for me I was able to heal and move on.

[OtOFrance in reply to designguy]

Hello designguy,

Can you please detaila it what this "co-dependency" means ? I am not sure I get it.

Thank you,

O

[designguy in reply to OtOFrance]

If someone is codependent it means they have an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner or even a parent. They can be overly reliant on a parent very early and then seek and repeat that same dynamic in an adult relationship/marriage. It can be hinged on attachment trauma and your attachment style during your very early years with your parents. The attachment trauma style can be played out through and into adulthood because we are unconscious of it and how it affects our relationship with others and even ourselves. There are different types of attachment styles so you might investigate them to see if this offers you clues about understanding yourself fuller.

I knew I had issues with my dad but didn't want to admit for years that I did not have a healthy attachment to my mother. It took me a long time to admit it and really start investigating my relationship with her and the consequences of it. My parents provided us with a house, clothes, etc... but were never emotionally involved or supportive and my mom was very shaming and verbally and physically abusive by whipping me and my brothers.

[Midori]

Hello and welcome!

One thing jumped off the screen at me. Is your wife (or is it your Mum?) a disabled person, or has she taken to her bed since the leg break?

If it is your Mum could she be depressed about your Dad? Has she passed the menopause? Brittle bones come with advancing years, and Calcium is needed, especially for women. This could easily be true also for your wife.

If you are carrying the whole load, as well as coming to terms with the loss of your Dad, it is no wonder you are feeling that hole beneath you. Have you seen your GP to get some help, either medication or therapy? Might be an idea.

If she is normally active, it is dangerous to stay in bed all day, every day once the original break has healed. She could be losing bone mass, as well as muscle tone. Exercise and daylight, especially sunlight will help to strengthen the bones. Vitamins A and D will help, as will exercise.

In case you are wondering, I was a nurse until I retired.

Cheers, Midori

[OtOFrance in reply to Midori]

Hello MIdori,

My wige has been taken to bed since she broke her leg, at the end of July.

I went to my doc who gave me both anti-depressant and things to "relax", when I feel panic or stress are becoming too strong.

I have filled the gaps since dad's death with all the paperwork (insurance ...) for my mum and, today, the things are done, and I face the reality of his absence.

Thank you so much for your lovely message !

O

[OtOFrance in reply to Midori]

Good Morning

I really need to think that way, never saw my "thteee calls a say + ten sms a day) with my mum with such a point of view. I am, amongst my brother and my sister, the most aware about the intimate (not only sexual, I mean everything private) lige my parents had / did not have. And mum also explained me what her babies (us) made her abandon.

How do you think Ivan evaluate suc attachment level ?

O

[Midori]

I'm beginning to feel that your whole family need support from medical/ social services (sorry, I don't know how it works in France). There should be advice centres where you can get this advice.

Your wife will need Physiotherapy to regain her strength, but she must be encouraged to get up, even if you tell her that you will no longer bring her meals to her in bed.

It's unfortunate that you mother was unkind to you and your brothers, but it need not colour your life, I think your task lies mainly with getting your wife partaking in life again.

What part of Brittany are you from?

Cheers, Midori

[OtOFrance]

Hi Midori

I live near Saint Malo, beautiful place.

I must admit that the very first reading of your message let a sour taste in my mouth, a sort of "she judges us without even knowing who we are". Then,I remembered that in a discussion come two parts, speaker and listener.

I support (and all docs do, from the surgeon to the kinesiologist) to move and, even if she has to stay sub-pain, things are moving, as slow as they have to.

My relation to mum is a bit different. Amongst us 3 (my older brother, me, my younger sister) I think I am the one who reads the most "behind the map" or to say it in a different way, I think I have a sort of hypersensitivity which makes me hear any simple change of voice, change of habit and detect, being wrong sometimes, that something's not right (not opposite to wrong, btw, just not as it should be).

Loss of dad, her husband,in last june, came with time. He bad been more or less sick of dispressed since he retired, about 25 years ago. And, even before, being overweight - as I am back to be - has been a pain in his life.

I think my bro does his best to make mum feel better, but he does not know how to run "normal" human relationships, whether with his wives, his kids or unknown ones.

My sister makes her own lige being on ber side and, as she says "not breaking her head".

And I remain, the one in the middle, trying to make things work and make each and everyone happy.

I do things, do not expect a "thank you" or anything, just a drop of humanity I lack of from them all.

Hope you better understand the situation

Take care

O